Tag Archives: LGBT lifestyle

Author, Interfaith Leader Chris Stedman Discusses Faith & Sexuality

Featured, Opinions and Rants, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

chris sted

One of the most profound changes that occur after we realize that we are LGBT is how we begin to analyze every other facet of our lives. As a result of realizing our sexual identity and nature, we question the validity of everything we’ve been told to believe throughout our lives. From rules set by our caregivers that guide and discipline us to what our religious and spiritual leaders tell us about God, this becomes a time of great introspection and discovery.  Most notably the time is marked by a series of questions and what religion and our faith are able to bring to our lives. We question if we can still believe in a religion or rather teachers of that religion that being gay is wrong.

Faith is believed to be blueprint to our morality as it sets to guide us through all aspects of our existence. To an extent, faith is believed to be the figurative parent to our morality. We know that this construct of what faith means is different for everyone. As we have our own unique experiences and upbringings we discover that no two people believe in the same way. So when I was asked a while back to discuss religion and sexuality I had a hard time collecting my thoughts in a way that made sense.

Luckily through social media I had the great privilege of getting to know author and interfaith leader Chris Stedman and he was able to shed some light on how our beliefs growing up may effect how and when we come out. And as time went on he agreed to have a phone interview to learn about his latest book, Faitheist. This narrative work that is both biopic and applicable principles to today’s society chronicles Stedman’s journey of self-discovery as a result of initially wanting others to come  together and share differing ideas all the while building a sense of community and acceptance. This serves as a steady bridge for me to approach the subject of faith and sexuality.

I knew that discussing Stedman and his principles would provide clarity of my own thoughts on religion/faith in this discussion and how it could relate to the LGBT community. Let’s face facts; this is a sensitive issue regardless of your stance because our beliefs are always associated with our morality. We are passionate about what we believe in and too often when the subject comes up, especially when it relates to members of the LGBT community, emotions are heightened to a state where emotions overcompensate for reason. Facts are misconstrued and beliefs are treated as vengeful weapons against any opposition. I don’t want this discussion to go in that direction. That’s why reviewing Stedman’s position on the matter shows how differences in beliefs can come together.

BOOK-COVERWithin the first five minutes I learned initially as we discussed atheism and group identity how different my own beliefs are from Stedman’s principles but still related to so much with what he advocates. Always at the ready to having meaningful dialogue, whether that be on his blog or his twitter account, I know that we can discuss this without conflict. When he explained pluralism and how Faitheist demonstrates inclusion of all beliefs it helped erode this stoic, detached persona so erroneously associated with atheists because of their beliefs. Even when Stedman admitted he feels that most of those that have a belief in God or deities are wrong that does not prevent us from knowing one another. His belief does not condemn me or anyone else and we can still relate to each other.

To further advance the reasoning behind his principles, Stedman brought up that while growing up he felt that he couldn’t be both gay and a Christian. He then told me about a religious cross he wore as a symbol of his faith and how he received a lot of teasing and criticism. Of course he was not suggesting that this lead him to atheism but it is something we need to observe because it shows an example that as LGBT men and women we do not belong to just one identity or community. Dichotomies exist within our community that we often enough do not discuss and duality can affect many aspects of our lives. Not only in faith but in racial/ethnic minorities, and even gender and socioeconomic status… Stedman believes that when we talk about this it creates an ethos that will foster experience.

Stedman helped me realize again how cooperation and acceptance are paramount as he discussed how his experiences shaped this principle. When he talked about him growing up in what he described as an irreglious home, he became a born again Christian at age 11 after his parents separated. Before he recommitted to the church he read about different cultures and perspectives and it taught him a greater depth of empathy. Shortly after his parents separated he sought out religion for normality and structure, and a community that was willing to support him all the while giving guidance from a position of authority.  Felt their rigidity would provide clear answers.

As I write this I remember a song by George Michael, How you gotta have faith. The video was expressive about sexuality and having faith in your ability to love yourself. Looking back on it now I know the reason I was so drawn to this music video at 8 years old was because George Michael had a nice smile was doing throughout it was because of my developing sexuality. But it also made me question what faith was because I remember asking my mom after watching it what faith meant. She simply referred to it as “something you know to be true”.  At that time I wanted faith because I thought it was cool. But I did begin to seek out comfort from it.

Both of our narratives, though completely different in our youth were looking for answers to faith with different environments and outcomes but the stories do reflect how we search for meaning at a young age. Looking for answers to why we feel the need to belong and what that means for ourselves. I think one of the greatest lessons we learn is deciphering what faith means to our self-worth. No matter what one’s own beliefs of faith or non-faith you have to reach a point in which you rely on the strength that resides inside you. A willingness to trust that we are indeed made this way naturally as it was meant to be, by biology or God.

We know that there can be many obstacles that we face before, during, and sometimes even after we come out of the closet. One of the things that we question most is our belief in God. We begin to speculate if we were truly meant to be LGBT because of what we’re taught about homosexuality and wonder if our sexuality is natural. Faitheist is a narrative of someone’s own journey that is continually seeking a sense of community and a celebration of our various differences. The concept of pluralism the respects the differing opinions, beliefs, and philosophies without the need of ostracizing. It gives the reader a relatable account of coming to terms with faith and sexuality.

I loved how inclusive his work is in both his literary work and his ability to apply that people of all walks of life. Faitheist is at its most general definition a story of inclusion. I truly marvel out how when there is conflict of beliefs, whether it’s critics or social media can be done diplomatically. As we delved deeper into this interview I asked Stedman about if the nature and principles of atheism makes it easier for LGBT men and women to process and accept their sexuality and come out. Detailing later in a humble response noted that the issues that face as we process our sexuality and our experiences are not that simple:

 Once I began to question certain norms, it opened me up to questioning others, including the normative chris_wall01_300 (1)religious beliefs I had adopted. But I wouldn’t say that I became an atheist as a direct result of coming out, since I was a Christian for the first number of years that I was out of the closer as a queer person. Whether a queer person is religious or not, and whether or not that changes in conjunction with the coming out process, I think that there is a common experience of challenging assumptions and traditional ideas that most of us experience as we come out.

This is one of the reasons that I discuss the topic of coming out so much. Because so often when a person surprises one aspect of themselves, they are likely suppressing their ability to actively question other aspects of who they are. During our conversation I was completely fascinated with the empathy and compassion expresses throughout his work and his pluralistic approach. Onward as we discussed more about the principles he felt necessary like open dialogue are necessary to bridge understanding between belief and non-belief:

 Sometimes it isn’t always clear which came first, but they necessarily inform and support one another. Meaningful dialogue, where all parties listen and strive to understand, engenders compassion and empathy; likewise, a compassionate approach enables dialogue in the pursuit of common ground, making it more accessible and more effective.

It takes people out of these their comfort zones when we discuss differences. When we hear stories about conflicts driven by media that are divisive “conflict is the exception to the rule” he stated which suggests that instead of defending their own beliefs we are simply arguing to see who’s right. So we need to approach of our own stories, our own identity as a whole, and not just about what we believe. It’s all about humanizing our differences.  Options that both Stedman and I did were not afforded growing up.

But this made me think about the process more and how difficult it can be as a result of religion so I asked if he felt this would eliminate prejudices.  We know how religion is used against this community so it’s understandable why many feel that if religion no longer existed that we would have an easier time processing and accepting our sexuality. However, during our conversation this assumption was the one thing that Stedman disagreed with most.

Stedman did not feel that the elimination of religion would lessen our issues as we are naturally have the dynamics of tribalism and a feeling of wanting to fit in with the majority. After thinking about it for a while I see why he came to that conclusion. We will always want to feel like we belong and as a result any inherent differences would potentially stagnate acceptance. It’s also important to note that Stedman expressed that the first people to accept his sexuality were his brothers and sisters from his church before realizing he was an atheist. He hadn’t accepted atheism until years after he came out.. So it is not about beliefs in God, it’s about tribal natural need to belong.

Attempting to think in even more abstract terms I asked Stedman if he felt that atheism was more a philosophy than a grounded, secular belief. When he decided he didn’t believe in God it was sadness and the way he expressed this epiphany felt to me that he was describing the loss of a loved one.  Letting go of a concept that you have believed in your entire life has to take some time to process. But atheism brought comfort to Stedman because it taught him fortitude and a faith in himself because no one else could accomplish his goals and overcome any challenges. It motivated and empowered him to become more active.

The incentive of taking ownership becomes stronger and more rich. This concept reminds Stedman to live in the moment as time is finite. It suggests that at some point when we are accepting who we are that we have to take the initiative to persevere no matter what. We have to take control of our challenges and look at our actions in how they will affect that outcome. Being LGBT teaches us that it is up to us to make our lives and our environment better. It may not always come easy or in the time of our choosing but when we hold ourselves accountable for the direction our lives are going it truly invites us to be who we are. It encourages us to live. This point is what resonated with me the most during our discussion. You become appreciative of time when you know it is limited.

It’s important to note that Stedman and I are not suggesting that this discussion was meant to suggest we believe people who are LGBT and in the process of coming out would have an easier time if they became atheists. Far from it. But I do believe those that are going through this process should be ready for how this aspect may have on a subconscious level affected many other facets of their lives and personality.

I believe what Stedman expressed both in his book,  and in our conversation, is that examining our beliefs in all areas of our lives gives us a greater sense of self. Throughout this process that we go through in coming to terms with our sexuality and our beliefs we have to trust ourselves more than anyone else, regardless of whether or not you believe in God. Homogeneity is celebrated in our community more than individuality and Faitheist provides examples of how we can approach our different outlooks with diplomacy.

The biggest advantage to reading Faitheist or starting any discussion about faith is that dialogue will allow you to process your opinion and your beliefs openly. No matter those beliefs, with an open mind you can be honest about them and I will always advocate for that. We need more dialogue and opinions and beliefs not only in this community but society as a whole. You can have meaningful relationships with people of different backgrounds and beliefs with respect. This interview along with Stedman;s book accurately and passionately demonstrates that faith is not synonymous with morality. Morality should always be met with humanity and respect. We have to always remember that when we talk about faith, no matter what you believe. But we have to be willing to make that first step. So reach out. Talk.

Just So You Know, There Is No Criteria To Coming Out

Opinions and Rants, , , , , , , , , ,

gaygay

As of late, there has been so much discussion to coming out of the closet. It started off as a reaction to Jodie Foster’s speech at the Golden Globes and progressed into a heated, bitter debate. In the mist of all this, a notion that there is some sort of criteria you have to meet in order to live up to everyone else’s standards. Imagine that, the LGBT community setting another set of standards we have to meet in order to have an adequate coming out story.

Never mind the fact that these criteria negate the entire process of others looking to come out. Because when you have finally reached the point and admit to yourself that you’re gay, there’s a breadth of emotion to the process. Because it is a process.

I vividly remember my process. It began with…

…wondering first and foremost would those that I love most would support me. Petrified to discover if their love is conditional on you being a certain way. …beginning to speculate how everyone else in this world will treat you because of it. …it’s a process…with each person you tell, it feels freeing and terrifying at the same time because they know something about you so meaningful that they can try to use that against you. …I’m beginning to wonder if this was even worth it.

…Fear the fact that I will always have to be aware of my surroundings because of either my race or because I’m gay because someone may try to harm me because of it. I can be fired for being gay. I should just suppress and not talk about it to anyone when I get a job  …constantly asking myself if/when people are going to stop talking about this. …it’s a process …Was coming out really important. Maybe, just maybe I was wrong to come out in the first place. …becoming so sick and tired of every damn thought and action feeling like it is a result of me being gay.

…so sick of my straight friends asking if I’m checking them out. There’s so much hassle to this. I’m still Sly …it’s a process…I keep staring off into the distance wondering why God made me this way and if this notion of him believing that I am a sinner for being gay will make him take out his vengeful wrath upon me to bring this cure through prayer or strike me down as a result of questioning his infinite way. …surprised by how you deal with the same feelings when you come out are the same as when you’re in the closet…. always angry. …deeply sad. …feeling so alone. …scared. …I cannot and will not give up no matter what.

..just keep going because this is a process…learning about a friend going through the same process of coming out and heard he ended his life because he was too afraid to face it. have to do everything in my power to ensure I do not share the same fate …I am more determined than ever to embrace this no matter what. I don’t care what anyone else says because I’m not living for them. there is nothing wrong with being gay. Gay. …I’ve accepted this in due part to me being an African American. because I have had to accept the persecution of others because I’m an African American male, looked down upon no matter how smart I am, no matter how helpful and kind I treat others. But that is not my fault because there is nothing wrong with being an African American or being gay. One of the biggest reasons that I am so thankful to be an African American is that it helped me not only accept, but also love being gay. I love being gay. I love me.  

Everything you see that’s italicized was my process as it was written down in my journal entries over eight years ago.  Not everyone’s experiences, thoughts, or anything else associated with this process are the same. There’s most likely things and emotions you recognize from my experience and some others that you don’t. No two people are the same and we don’t process any situation or event is the same. But we all went through this life changing event that profoundly affected us. I’m not famous and probably will never reach that status. I’m not trying to be so I do not know all the pros and cons to having money and being privileged. Money can’t make everything go away.

But I do know that money will not take away this process from happening. Why? Because of my race. Because even though  growing up in a -multi-ethnic, multi-religion multi-everything else military town I still face racism. I still face homophobia. Throwing money at race didn’t make those issues go away from James Earl Jones or Denzel Washington and why would it? People will still judge them and me based solely on the color of my skin. When you’re gay, you’re presented with the similar discriminatory issues. I’m not asking them to pick up and campaign against these issues. If I want those changes to happen, I have to do more to make it happen.

Privilege continues to come up in these conversations yet many fail to see the advantages provided to them each and every day because of their race. Do you know what it’s like to have to deal with both racism and homophobia at the same time? I could argue quite effectively how that gives gay Caucasian men privilege over me or any other ethnic minority LGBT member of this community.  So let’s talk about that privilege.

Should we talk about the both covert and blatant racism in the LGBT community, especially among gay men that makes it harder to come out and be welcomed in this community? That when you try to discuss this with certain LGBT leaders that they have the gall to say you’re playing a race card? The very ignorant belief that  you can’t be racist because you’re gay is a sad, yet common belief. You see, this notion of privilege is subjective at best. Formed by our own opinion and experiences, but not always based in fact. So maybe when you talk about other’s privilege you should think about your own and consider how that ideology is a part of the problem.

I’ve been ranting against this idea of privilege and that there’s a right/wrong way to come out nonstop. When I first began writing this two days ago it was filled with evidence of how many of these activists and bloggers are so hypocritical on this topic (and I may still write it as it needs to be addressed) because I am furious that this standard of coming out is expected instead of welcoming everyone no matter what. We all know what that’s like to be treated differently so why are we trying to employ this elitist, homogeneous ideal?

Would I love to see everyone that comes out be an activist as it helps promote and advance the cause? Of course but I don’t see these people that are condemning Jodie Foster doing the same to Matt Dallas. Frank Ocean, Victor Garber, Jim Parsons, Matt Bomer, Zachary Quinto or Anderson Cooper for the way they came out. When will they be scrutinized and asked what they are doing or not doing for the LGBT community? You don’t have to be an example for everyone else. You only have to be you. So these people saying how they want things done should get busy doing the things they want to see in others themselves.

Be more of the instrument that fosters (pun intended) in what you want to see instead of wasting all this time trying to prove that you’re right and that there’s some ridiculous code of conduct to coming out. I have literally argued about this for three days now. I was so ready to get down in the mud and get mean, but then something amazing happened. I began to receive messages from all walks of life telling me of their process. I was so deeply moved by it and am forever thankful for their stories. Amazingly complex but different stories of processing coming out. That solidified even further my belief that this process of coming out is unique to each of us but we still have a process. It changes our perspective on everything.

So I began to write this the way I had always intended. To hope that my experience relates enough to the topic so we can discuss it . I will not always get it right nor will I always agree but always treat everyone with respect. And do my best to make this a community in which EVERYONE is welcome. So no, there is no criteria to coming out because we all went through something powerful and unique. No matter how a person comes out, we should welcome them. I only hope that everyone else in this community begins to do the same.

 

Looking For An All Gay Boutique? Here’s One

Events, , , ,

rainbow-flag650

Do you feel like there should be a clothing store that features all-gay styles and clothing? Well a place in San Francisco feels they have the style and selection to meet the wardrobe needs of the modern gay. Here’s more from HuffPost:

Rejoice, Bay Area tomboys. The search for well-fitting menswear is over.

Tomboy Tailors, the first ever gender-queer clothing boutique, is opening in theCrocker Galleria on February 2. The store will offer a menswear collection for those who were born female.

The idea grew out of 47-year-old founder Zel Anders’ frustration with the limited availability of well-fitting menswear for women. A San Francisco resident of more than 30 years, Anders hopes to provide Bay Area customers with better choices.

“I am having so much fun just watching people ponder and choose from the several hundred fabrics that they have as options,” Anders told the San Francisco Bay Guardian.

In addition to an in-house line, Tomboy Tailors will sell clothing from other pangender lines along with a selection of men’s shoes in a smaller size range. The store is intended for “butch/boi lesbians, trans-masculine individuals and women of any identity who have a strong sense of self-expression,” according to theTomboy Tailors website.

Tomboy Tailors will kick off its opening with a party in the store.

Now the idea does seem innovative and fresh and while there is a possibility of religious right or other groups that deem the attire there wrong or whatever invalid opinion they have, these seem like the right fit for those looking for a new place to shop.

The Yin And Yang Of Gay

Opinions and Rants, , , , , , , , , ,

yin yang

We look for signs everywhere in our life so that we can learn how to be balanced beings to live a productive life. We constantly examines ourselves both consciously and unconsciously to define who we are and what that means to us and those around us. We seek a balance in our thoughts and behaviors as it serves as a roadmap. And often due to the process of coming out and fully accepting our sexuality we somehow struggle with the concepts of masculine and feminine meanings and significance. Why does it seem like these concepts so often at odds with each other in our community rather than embraced?

When i examine where this conflict comes from, I always refer to the ancient philosophy of Yin and Yang. It describes us best to the principle of finding balance within ourselves. Both light and shadow, dominance and submission, the need for freedom and the need for comfort. These aspects are given feminine (yin) and masculine (yang) terminology, both not able to exist without the other. they pull strength from each other to become a complete being and maintain balance and harmony.

The concept of yin and yang is the thing we struggle with most as gay men because it encompesses so many aspects of how we see ourselves and how we live our lives. From awareness to society to self esteem, it is the one thing that we question the most. Some of us even openly categorize each other as “masculine” “straight-acting” or “feminine” and even with us gays, feminine given the bad (and inaccurate) reputation of being weaker.  Are we doing that because it pacifies the notion of what strong is? What we see as weak? Dominance over submission? Or is it just about control?

These ideals  of strong (masculinity) versus (feminine) weak are gaining momentum in the newer generation of gay men as so many only see a dominant top or power bottom. It creates more of some type of hierarchy rather than a classification of attributes. It’s odd that once we claim our sexuality, sometimes, some of us go out of our way to prove we’re still in step with this concept of what “real men” do and it leads some of us to shame the other.

You would think that coming out would be the greatest challenge we face but in truth it is only a step to an even greater process of acceptance and self awareness. And somewhere along the way we carry some of the stagnant ideology of what men say or do from our flawed society on to each other. It’s not the ideal or principles that I want future generations to inherit. With as much prejudice and namie calling  as we’ve had to endure, I don’t want to see that being what gay means to any one.

I understand where it comes from. Because unfortunately, even in this day and age, we’re bullied. beaten, harassed and even killed for who we are. I understand how masculinity is seen as protection. But I also feel that we can elevate ourselves without knocking someone else down.  Femininity is calculative and alluring. In how many philosophies  see masculinity as physical strength, femininity is seen as mental strength and not to be underestimated. Even with all that, some  still shame the yin to overcompensate for our yang. Some will lash out defiantly at any notion of femininity thereby degrading those of us that celebrate what is seen as feminine.

We struggle with these concepts, regardless of sexuality, within our selves and against our society. Women still have to fight for equal pay, and to have the freedom what to do with their own bodies. And men still have to conform to this ideal of masculinity, comepletely ignoring any attributeds that can be perceived as feminine because sadly, feminine is seen as weak. Most likely this struggle comes from out perceptions of social norms that dictate an archaic code of conduct. As a result a person will deny aspects of which are the most natural. When terms like effeminate are discouraged and masculine embraced when both are required to make us whole.

But to me, it takes so much strength to not only accept but also completely own our sexuality. Because as gay men, we defy and redesign the notion of what being a man means. Yet while doing so, we have to remember not to do the same to the same men fighting these barbaric stereotypes of what strength embodies. That feminine is just as valuable and strong as masculine.

The yin and yang of gay is so much more than the either or mentality we create. It is the greatest most beautiful thing we possess because whether or not we embrace both yin and yang, we have a greater understanding of both masculinity and feminine. We naturally blend elements of soft and hard effortlessly. Many of us had to declare our independence at an early age because there literally was no one else to stand up for us yet at the same time it made us find comfort within ourselves. And this is where our true strength comes from.

I advocate the concept of balance, and the yin and yang of gay not only within ourselves but our community because, more than anything else, I truly believe unity is our strength. All of us are both yin and yang. We are both domininant and submissive,  masucline and feminine. Shaming one while praising another makes both weaker both in our community and within ourselves. We have to remember that one cannot exist without the other.

 

When all of us as a communiity can truly achieve that, we will be unstoppable.

 

Here’s What Dr. Oz Failed To Mention On His Show About “Gay Reparative Therapy”

Opinions and Rants, , , , , , , , , , , ,

There aren’t many things that I will vehemently speak out against with such passion but gay cure reparative therapy is always one that I will have extreme prejudice against. You can call it bias for the fact that I am a gay man who fully and completely am at peace with my sexuality and love how that has shaped who I am today. I do not perceive being gay as a sin or some abnormality from the norm of society. It is just a part of who I am.

I also acknowledge that not everyone who is LGBTQIA has come to this peace of mind. That for some, they unfortunately still struggle daily with their sexuality. This is for a multitude of reasons; because of fear of rejection from loved ones, religious Dogmas, job security, fear of hate, violence, and discrimination on a plethora of mediums, or just not yet comfortable with it yet.

Acceptance is a process before, during, and after coming out. So I understand the questioning of those not yet out on whether being gay is right but sincerely hope they reach the peaceful resolution that I as well as millions of others have come to know. And undoubtedly, the multitude of both internal and external pressures to suppress homosexuality leads someone to partake in such drastic and ineffective measures like altering one’s way of life to reflect that pressure. Again, it is a process.

I emphatically and wholeheartedly understand that. But I was deeply disturbed and quite frankly irate by Dr. Oz’s show yesterday in which he had guests that alleged to be proof that the therapy is a success. The guests that were proponents to the rogue approach to “curing gay” have every right to feel the way they feel even though I strongly disagree with it. My issue, at least for this article, is not with them. My issue here is with Dr. Oz who, as a licensed medical professional, failed to provide satiable and very credible evidence of the harmful effects the therapy can cause it’s participants.

You see, quite often in these sessions that are, to me, detrimental forms of brainwashing but quite often the process is labeled as “re-programming”. Participants are asked to employ several subjective and potentially harmful acts that incredulously ask you to treat homosexuality like it’s an addiction.

This “addiction” is seen as harmful to oneself or to others and and owning one’s sexuality to me is quite the opposite. Participants are informed that they will have to fight against their natural mental state of being attracted to the same sex, forever. And if that isn’t horrifying enough, stories like this one or this one are further evidence of why these therapies and overall ideologies are dangerous.

And the fact that many of these so called therapies have a religious connotation to them is another reason that I flat out condemn the practice. Groups like  National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality that condone reparative therapy actually glorify their  religious affiliations. To me, it implies that the therapy won’t work if you’re not what groups perceive to be their norm. That the only way you can know peace of mind is by their law and their doctrine which makes the entire program that much more insidious.

And to note that this is after the state of California banned this therapy for minors after their task force discovered the potentially harmful side effects of engaging in this practice:

The task force concluded that sexual orientation change efforts can pose critical health risks to lesbian, gay, and bisexual people, including confusion, depression, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, social withdrawal, suicidality, substance abuse, stress, disappointment, self-blame, decreased self-esteem and authenticity to others, increased self-hatred, hostility and blame toward parents, feelings of anger and betrayal, loss of friends and potential romantic partners, problems in sexual and emotional intimacy, sexual dysfunction, high-risk sexual behaviors, a feeling of being dehumanized and untrue to self, a loss of faith, and a sense of having wasted time and resources.

Yet it seemed that Dr. Oz glazed over this issue during his daytime talk show and decided only later to issue a statement on why this therapy is s0 harmful

I agree with the established medical consensus.  I have not found enough published data supporting positive results with gay reparative therapy, and I have concerns about the potentially dangerous effects when the therapy fails, especially when minors are forced into treatments.

Dr. Oz is referencing to the long held stance that the American Medical Association,  American Psychiatric Association, American Counselling Association, American Academy of Pediatrics that have noted the potential harm. So again I ask, why not say this from the beginning Dr. Oz? As a medical professional, I feel it is not only imperatively but also ethically your duty to clearly provide the facts of what gay reparative therapies can induce. Even a short reiteration of the APA’s stance would’ve been sufficient:

“The American Psychiatric Association opposes any psychiatric treatment, such as “reparative” or “conversion” therapy, which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality per se is a mental disorder, or based upon a prior assumption that the patient should change his/ her homosexual orientation.”

And even though Dr. Oz agrees with medical professionals after the fact, the presentation on the matter during his show conveys something different.  This could say to the audience who may generally be uninformed and this is their first time they’ve had opportunity to hear pertinent information on the matter that the  therapy only hear inaccurate information.

What’s even more unsettling is that it appears the show was only done for the sensationalism and leaves a unfavorable impression on those that know either through experience or study of these harmful effects. Reparative therapy is not some panacea or new age healing and in fact is quite the opposite. I implore Dr. Oz to think of that the next time he journeys onto such a controversial topic.

Why Do Gay Men Fear Aging?

Opinions and Rants, , , , , , , ,

Today I crossed another milestone as the Sun is in the exact position it was in on the day of my birth in 1980. I turned 32, which if you look at it in some philosophical or existential manner I’d question what is age but some sort of metaphysical awakening as a result of experiences. Or if you’re a nerd like me, you calculate that I’m actually 32 years and 10 months old. I’m in the in-between, not middle-age with grey hair but also not a bubbly (okay I’m still bubbly) 20-something going out to clubs every night. But I am still Sly, so at the moment nothing else about me has changed except a number.

My point is that typically anything over the age of about 28 is considered old, ancient, or archaic in the gay community. So being 32 means that basically died four years ago, came back and died again. Several friends have made awkward statements with this look of fear and impending doom on their faces as they say “How does it feel being THAT age” to even “Awww, don’t feel bad, you’re still great” What the hell do you mean STILL great?! I have ALWAYS been fabulous, regardless of my age. But honestly, Why is that? Why do we put so much emphasis on our age as a detriment, something to be feared, even hidden in shame?

Some say it’s because of our past. Michael C. LaSala, Ph.D, of Psychology Today states that it’s because as we were going through puberty, we were awkward and had to deal with our struggle to find our identity in being gay and what that meant to us while facing the oppression and negative perceptions  we faced from society as well as our loved ones. as a result, when we’ve embraced our sexuality, we use our youth and beauty as a sign of our self worth, that depreciates over time as we grow older.

LaSala’s description does sound accurate. It’s heavily ingrained in gay culture to be in tip top shape at all times and to use any anti-aging mechanisms that are at our disposal. There’s supplements, formulas used to help enhance and maintain our physiques. And unfortunately some do detrimental things to their bodies like performance drugs or even extreme and excessive plastic surgeries to keep that youthful appearance.

What do we do to stop this stigmatization that we place on age? LaSala believes that we should first remember that we are human, prone to make mistakes and that we’re not perfect. It’s also to realize that about not only ourselves but that this applies to everyone as well as knowing the difference between self critique and unrealistic expectations. Most of all, love yourself completely, flaws and all.

Okay I know that as we age, we have to be more mindful of our past than most consciously realize. Our experiences are the reason behind that. What I mean is that we accumulate a lot of stress because of our collective struggles as a community. We fight for equality and fight against discrimination every single day. That stress builds on us and according to an some, this can lead to mental disorders caused by anxiety, stress, and depression. Still this isn’t a reason to fear our age.

To sum this up, aging is not what should be feared in our community. Embrace it with all of your being and be thankful, for there are some that didn’t make it to that milestone. Think of your age as opportunities to change your life and others for the better not limitations. Always love yourself, every wrinkle, grey hair and know that is not what makes you valuable or beautiful, your heart does that.