Tag Archives: gay relationships

From Relationship Woes To Intimate Foes: Tales Of Growing Up Gay

October 9, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsaddictions, gay couples, gay lifestyles, gay relationships, growing up gay, manipulation, tales of growing up gayWill Kohler

Originally I was going to share a much sweeter, softer tale of growing up gay. But I feel with the way things have been going in the lives of people that I care deeply about that it’s more pertinent to share about the hardships of relationships. See, the truth is that there is no point you reach where you’ve completely grown so much that there’s no need for lessons. From the moment we first discover our sexuality we are constantly growing from our experiences. Our entire lives are a part of the process in understanding what gay means to us.

In my previous tales when I talked about completely coming out of the closet it may have appeared as though everything afterward turned out like a fairy tale (pun intended). Life for me at that point however was anything but a happily ever after. In fact for a time my life was a complete nightmare. It was because I honestly did not know what being gay meant for me. No matter how much I observed other gay men and their relationships prior to coming out I quickly learned that I couldn’t apply everything I saw or heard to my own life.

So sadly I did not run off into the sunset with the man I had been in love with for nearly six years. Even with the sweet memories I have of our courtship throughout my undergrad years we soon discovered that our lives were moving in two separate directions and more importantly we were just not right for each other. This relationship served as my first example of relationships not always being as fun and rose colored as I thought (and hoped) they’d be. The time was really more about transitions than living. Coming out to my friends and other loved ones that didn’t already know went smoother than I expected echoing the rhetoric that they always knew deep down and didn’t care.

Even with all the overwhelming support and unwavering love I still staggered with defining what gay meant to me. Wondering how much being gay defined me. I did not know how to be gay. This was immensely true when interacting with other gay men. In the beginning you ask yourself ask yourself so many questions about your first relationship as an openly gay man. What are the rules? What’s done differently than straight relationships? Can they last? The lessons we learn

But the biggest lessons about relationships came soon after that relationship ended. After my brush with death and time had passed I was at the most vulnerable time in my life thus far. Being in graduate school had its pressures and trials but those were expected. As was every other area of my life. But emotionally I felt extremely vulnerable. Some of my personal relationships with friends were changing for the worse. Maybe it was because I felt so removed from everyone else and trying to figure out the more detailed nuances of sex and courtship and romance. Or maybe I had a life altering experience and didn’t want to admit how much the experience changed me. So as a result I learned the hard way what relationships meant to me.

During this early stage I met a man that was a couple of years younger but had been out much longer than me. Charismatic and engaging were the first things that attracted me to him. Outspoken and blunt were also assumed great attributes to his character. He also had an amazingly firm body with these dazzling greyish green eyes that caught you off guard every time his gaze rested upon you. I was so smitten with him that he moved in with me only a couple of months after we began dating. How much I wish now that we’d taken more time to really know each other because it never would’ve happened.

Soon after we were living in the same space I discovered his debilitating habits that were much more than leaving the cap off the toothpaste. This man was very heavy into the booming gay scene of our college town and the surrounding areas. At the time that scene was mainly comprised of finding open spaces or private homes where men could gather and do copious amounts of drugs and engage in sexual adventures so novel that even my curious nature was taken back.

Part of me understood this behavior because most of these men, like me, had been suppressing or hiding their sexuality for most of their lives and had finally conquered that challenge so they had a lot of catching up to do. They just wanted to have fun. Even knowing by my own experience the feeling of relief it was to be an openly gay man with an urge to celebrate at any given moment the whole time I felt overwhelmed by what I was witnessing. Even more so because the man I was living with was so into this environment and I chose to believe him when he said that this is just what gay men do.

It came to a point that I rationalized his escalating behavior as being a part of a gay man back then. That we don’t live by the rules that everyone else does so I should just go with it. But inside I was miserable. Scared. Sad.Because looking back the life of hard partying was not where I wanted to be at that point in my life. But it was more than just wanting what I saw in the emerging pro-gay ads or whatever new aged approached my boyfriend thought about at the time to feed his habits. My life was conflicting two separate ideals at the same time because I couldn’t decide who was right in what being in a relationship as a gay man meant. But the answers finally came and when they did they knocked the air out of me.

The habits of my boyfriend began spilling over into our day to day lives. His drug use was no longer recreational but necessary in order for him to (dys)function. He felt that stealing my debit card to buy more drugs was acceptable and I was being too rigid. Never mind the fact that this habit also brought out moments of uncontrolled anger and disturbing public tantrums. Never did he direct it towards me because I was tall and big enough but he did to others.

That was followed by him asking for me to hold him so that it would reinforce the idea that I was his knight in shining armor to protect and love him all the while our house laid in ruins from his destructive behavior. This cycle affected me so much that it further strained friendships that were going through hard times. I felt emotionally robbed because I was losing my identity because I was always cleaning up after him and mending the bridges he was hellbent on burning down. Didn’t matter that I was being burned in the process.

Throughout our relationship I felt that because of my training that I should’ve known everything there was to do in dealing with his ways and an inability to handle them was a fault on my part. So it made it acceptable for me to stand by while his problems became more severe along with his stifling infidelities. Naively, or rather foolishly I believed that this was what gay relationships were like. Constantly filled with spontaneity and comprising our own rules as we go. That gay men define our relationships differently so they don’t look like everyone else’s. But deep down I knew this was not right. It was me not wanting to deal with the truth. I did not want to face that this wasn’t some new aged approach to relationships. I was settling for someone who had issues that desperately needed to be addressed.

See before this realization I let his addictions become my problem along with how he viewed relationships. We had become so much a part of each other’s life that I began to let my self-esteem erode away and become dependent on his vacillating emotional state. I’m not saying that you should walk away from someone that has issues and are struggling with their own demons. But there comes a point in every relationship that you have to begin weighing how much is benefited by you staying and asking yourself what you really want. What makes it all different is if the person is willing to actually invest. That’s when it finally clicked to me that I was listening to what everyone else’s ideals of what relationships between two men look like instead of asking myself what that meant for me. Thankfully before it irrevocably ruined my life I found the courage to say that this relationship was not healthy for either of us and that he needed help.

I had enough of studying at my kitchen table and silently cry my eyes out because deep down I knew this wasn’t right. This is not what gay men do as I’d let him convince me. Him having unprotected sex with other men wasn’t just what every gay man does. Him stealing from me and our home was not just what other gay men do. Him treating me like utter garbage and me just accepting that it was part of two men in a relationship was sure as hell not just what other gay men do. It made me hate him and myself for not listening to what I wanted in that relationship.

All the questions I had asked myself numerous times about what’s the difference between gay relationships and straight relationships was ridiculous in the end. Despite what other researchers or relationship experts or even very experienced gay men may think or say the only difference is simple anatomy. Any good relationship is built on communication and trust. Talking about and understanding what you need from that relationship at that time in your life and being honest with yourself if there comes a time that you want something else. For this reason I cannot blame him completely for our disastrous relationship because I didn’t speak up and say this is not what I wanted. I’m to blame for standing by and accepting it.

If you want monogamy then discuss it. If you want an open relationship then discuss it. If you just want to hook up whenever it’s convenient and have no other interactions with each other then discuss it. Don’t let yourself believe that any of these relationships don’t work but be cognizant enough to know which of these aren’t right for you. In the near decade that I’ve been out I can say that I have wanted each of these types of relationships because of the different places I’ve been at in my life.

There is no perfectly clear guidebook on how relationships work, regardless of your orientation. But you can always have an idea of what it should look like by being honest with yourself and really listening to what you want. Self discovery is made so much easier when we admit to ourselves what we are looking for instead of simply going along with what we see or what someone tells us.

Gay Men And Aging: Part Deux

September 29, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsfear of aging, gay birthday, gay cake, gay lifestyle, gay love, gay men and aging, gay relationships, Gay SexWill Kohler

Today I turn 33 and as I did last year I wanted to again share my perspective on what you learn as you grow older as a gay man. So often in the gay world, aging is heralded as losing something very precious with a value so high we become consumed with holding onto our youth as fervently as possible. To some it becomes a full blown obsession and any reference to them approaching 30 or older sets off a manic frenzy of doubt and insecurities with an ever looming shroud of shame. At that pace some give our youth so much value sometimes more than it’s actually worth.

Setting aside the assumption that once we come out we go through what’s often referred to as a “second puberty” retaining a certain look of vitality and strength the fear of growing older as a gay man is much more pronounced in our community than our straight counterparts. Maybe it comes from feeling like we wasted so much time in the closet that we have to make up for lost time. We often harbor on the illusion that our youth has the most value.

When in actuality it is the complete opposite. Aging is what gives life true value. Not only in the monetary wealth we acquire or the relationships we nurture but also in how we value ourselves. What have I seen over the past year is a testament to that. We are so hell-bent on hanging onto a period of our lives when we are revered for our youth and vitality that we only focus on staying in one place for eternity. Aging is a beautiful thing.

Some may spend a lot of effort in justifying the cons of becoming older while their message unconsciously speaks about our waning years and how we should make the most effort in living life to the fullest. Others may lament on how it is harder for us to make connections as we approach middle age. But I feel the opposite is true. As you grow older you find relationships to be much more fulfilling because you are at a point in your life where you honestly know yourself and the kind of people you want to invest time and effort into building something worthwhile.

As a result we don’t grow from our experiences or come closer to the actualized person we were always meant to be. That means we forgo the potential to be a more profound, worthwhile human being. So we become stagnate and eventually lost. You can try as much as you’d like to hold on to the present and this perfect image but it won’t last. But you can hold onto the experiences and let them enrich your life as you grow older.

Trust me I’m not saying I want to look older (though I’d rock the hell out of a salt n pepper beard). No one does. But it’s okay to be older and wiser than the year before. You can look great and be older at the same time. We’re all vain. And that’s okay to be a little vain. What I’m saying is that it’s okay to appreciate the experience of growing a little older. A little wiser. To have a little more wear on you than when you were a brand new gay ready to take on the world. You can hold on to wanting to make change in this world with each breath you take.

But if stop for a moment and reflect you’ll remember those times of first being out of the closet and after that feeling of euphoria washed over you like summer rain you soon realized you didn’t know the first thing in actually making those dreams come true. I lauded loudly about how aware I was about the world but I still needed to grow because I didn’t know it all or myself. I panicked because the answers weren’t as readily available to me as I had once presumed would be the case once I came out. All the time I spent contemplating coming out and how I would do it and how different the world would be meant I had not taken into consideration how different I would be.

While in my 20s I did my best to externally exude a stoic reverence about where I was at in my life. But on the inside I was always vacillating between confusion and doubt and insecurities about how I looked, how I talked (I have a thick southern drawl) and even while in school was completely unsure about who I was as a person. Basically I was a mess because I was unsure of what being gay meant to me. That may be true of everyone at that age but as always it’s a bit different for us. More intense because we are readjusting to the world being openly gay.

Despite the previous knowledge I had about what being gay was like, the do’s and don’ts, the endless time spent silently observing gay men and what I thought gay lifestyles were like, I hadn’t experienced life enough to know what the hell being gay meant for me. The constructs that I’d held onto for so long and feverishly doing everything in my power and beyond to hold on to my youth was somewhat crippling. Always making such an excruciating effort to not only to maintain the look of someone in their early twenties but also keep up with that mindset is stifling. So I stayed in one place and didn’t grow.

That was true for all areas of my life. I was too busy trying to replicate the best examples of being a well-rounded gay man that it caused me to be a shadow of a man rather than just standing in the light and allowing myself to learn and discover my identity. Growth requires light and you can’t do that by always standing in the shadows of others or holding onto one specific place in time. While it is vital to have something or someone that inspires you at some point you have to be your own inspiration. After all, that’s how the people we most admire are on top is because they were willing to climb. They had some assistance and pushes in the right direction but ultimately they crafted themselves into those great figures by having the courage to find out who they were. And we all must do the same.

Again I forgot that lesson of appreciating the moment and moving onto the future because as a black man I had to do the same thing. You have to reconcile so much in life that you even have to account for how your race affects who you are, especially when everyone is always made aware of it. I had to decide if I would succumb to the weight of the stereotypes placed on me or refuse to be defined by them. Or choose to be obsessed with how much they impacted my life and defying them. My experiences as a gay man and the notion of vanity and youth reflect the same philosophies. And I finally got it and decided not be imprisoned by retaining youth I was free. I let myself be.

You may think that others won’t value the more seasoned you but I can honestly say that guys are more interested and drawn to the 33 year old me who’s tall, a bit lanky and truly knows who he is than the 25 year old me with a twelve pack abs and had absolutely no idea who he was. Maybe it is a thing of confidence. But really it’s about experience and allowing me to grow. And knowing that above all my faults and imperfections that I wholeheartedly love who I am, at any age.

Of course we don’t want to appear older. Nor do we want aging to slow us down. But this ravenous, all-consuming obsession we have with retaining our youth in this community is suffocating.

As with everything, this too is a balancing act. Be active in keeping both your mind and body healthy. It is perfectly okay to want to look good. You should always hold onto your youthful spirit and hunger for life. Just don’t become consumed with staying in one place in this life or you will miss out on the rest of the world. You’ll miss the person you always dreamed of being.

And you’ll miss out on birthday cake so no one wants that.

How Sports Can Teach A Gay Man (And Everyone Else) About Relationships

September 8, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsbear gay, bisexual men, bisexuality, black and gay, black stereotypes, communication in gay relationships, dating apps, football, gay analogies, gay couples, gay dating, gay dating profiles, gay growing pains, gay relationships, gay social dating apps, gay stereotypes, grindr, Growing Pains, heteronormative practices, homophobia in the African American community, interracial gay dating, intersectionality, intersectionality of race and homosexuality, misogyny, race and sexulity, racism in the gay community, scruff, seperatist logic, sports gay, Tennessee TitansWill Kohler

How often do you think about what attracts you to another person? Better yet does what attract you to someone affect how you treat others? What about how you view people that have relationships with different groups? These are questions I ask and write about a lot because I feel that once we truly understand what these questions mean along with all that encompasses them the closer we are to being able to truly have meaningful dialogue in recognizing if there are issues involving a prejudice towards a group of people.

It’s a mouthful while also being the opening to a very long-winded rant that involves being gay, being an African American and loving football but they all seem to relate to each other in my rambling thoughts. And I’ll try to show how sports are a lot like life in how we communicate with each other in our relationships. Improve your skills by playing at 918kiss the best online casino games.

You see the reason I’m on this topic again is because today, while watching the Titans game, I received a message from a so called friend who just casually wanted to chat and catch up (aka gossip). This guy loves to talk about who’s hot and who he’d like to date (and hell I love doing that too) but the Titans are my home team that I root for even when their defensive line is abysmal and offense is all over the place. So I wanted to watch (also scream at my TV when they’re doing great or awful or both) without any distractions.

But my friend is persistent and somewhat of an inquisitor of the human condition (or maybe I’m a pushover). Anyway, I yield on watching the game to focus on what he’s saying. He then asks why I don’t like black men (…what). Naturally the question both confused and angered me at the same time because for one it was random and came completely out of left field and secondly because I always know how conversations like this go. Someone will say something completely untrue and downright dumb followed by me very bluntly stating that their opinion is not only false but also dated.

They will then quickly try to recover by providing some “empirical evidence” to support their lofty opinion. But I will then proceed to pass over any reductive laundry list of examples to addressing why the question itself is out of bounds leaving them stumped and angry because they realize that the way they asked the question was insensitive and more than likely prejudiced.

And wouldn’t you know it the situation went exactly like I predicted it would. He went on saying that it bothers him when people don’t date their own race while I pointed out that sounds like his problem not mine. But I couldn’t leave it there and had to expand on it and figure out what this dated opinion came from so I asked for clarification.

He couldn’t think of a way to explain his point without making it sound worse so he then talked about tastes are innate also leading him to the conclusion that sexuality is concrete with no fluidity meaning he believes there’s no such thing as bisexual men. So he choose to go all in on his ridiculous small minded opinions.

If you follow football, or rather any sport, this conversation and ones like this are a lot like the game. Two opponents standing their ground making large plays to score points and win. Either opponent can fumble the ball (or the point they were trying to make). Either opponent can intercept the ball (conversation) to score another point (in support of their opinion). The time runs out and the person who’s made enough right points wins the game (argument/debate).

So at this point of the conversation it should be enough when I say that you know what? Even though the majority of men I’ve dated have been Caucasian that I’ve not only attracted to but have also had romantic relationships with every race and a diverse amount of a different ethnicity. That yes I am aware of race and color and ethnicity and aware of the differences and while I acknowledge those differences it does not inhibit arousal or sexual attraction.

But it doesn’t. Saying that will only add to his warped way of thinking. My explanations or reasoning would only exacerbate whatever closed minded opinion someone else is voicing while making me doubt how aware I am of these cultural aspects when dating.

If I had brought up how at one time I was foolish enough to believe that the societal norms, including sticking to your race, did not extend to the gay community when in fact in some settings it is amplified. Maybe that is due to not wanting to stick out more in society by engaging in an interracial relationship on top of a gay relationship. In my experience this is more true here in the south.

And some may say the same can be said about acceptance of the gay community by the African American community but that too is subjective. Fair points but in this setting it would’ve come off as trying to give all the responsibility on society when ultimately that decision will always be mine and mine alone, no matter the lifetime of influences.

Why do we even care that they have an opinion on who we should do/be/say/date/have sex with/love/marry could’ve been another point to win this argument. I could have expanded on how sexuality is a breathing changing entity of our being and as our tastes change so may how we define our sexual identity. Yet talking about it will always seem like defensive bitterness and frustration. And it is that, but not for the reasons some may think.

Because it’s not for your pity. Never for that so you can keep it or throw it away or better yet not pity people because its degrading and treats someone like they’re subhuman. But it’s important because we do need to know how and why people are drawn to each other. It helps us in a very delicate, subtle way understand where our negative beliefs began. While we are not initially hate and attraction are innate how we perceive them is learned. But bring that up still would not have proven my point.

Do you see now how conversations like this become a game? You on defense trying to make as many points to defend your opinion and your pride before the conversation ends. There’s interruptions (interceptions), Hell sometimes there’s even snarling. The only thing that really sets it apart is that there’s no gentle slap on the ass at the end.

The only time you should be concerned with who someone dates or what their dating preferences are is when they stereotype or categorize an entire group and completely exclude them from based on that backwards opinion. Like Grindr profiles that have “no chicken (people of African Decent) rice (Asian) but spice (Hispanic nonblack) is alright”. Those are the “it’s just a preference” people you should direct these conversations towards. I am not one of those people. But again that would give a point to him because it would appear that I may subconsciously do the same thing as the inept men that have racist dating profiles.

The whole conversation made me defensive as it always does because I never want to be made to feel like I have some quota to fill and should have to seek out other gay African American man in order for it to “look right”. And I don’t want anyone questioning the legitimacy of bisexuality. But either consciously or subconsciously that’ll be what runs through people’s mind for a split second when they don’t understand. That logic would mean that I question whether the next time I’m attracted to another African American man is that guilt or actual physical arousal.

This should be entertaining to the outside observer and the victor afterwards but conversations like this don’t turn out that way. It’s life. Because even though I won the argument I don’t feel like a winner. Especially when this exhausting exercise in logic always leaves you feeling on guard for the decisions you make solely based on your race or sexuality or both. Then you hopefully reach the moment of asking yourself why the opinions of others matter in what a person sees in a race or sexual orientation.

In the end I didn’t use the points that I knew both from experience and studying human behavior meant that instead of answering a question we have to ask more questions. Ask why it feels right to you when two people of the same race are together and uneasy when it’s two different races together. Ask yourself why you need to define what someone else’s sexuality is for them and why that bothers you when it’s different from your beliefs.

My point is that it’s circular and reductive and repetitive and you will again have to go out on the field and be ready to defend your position every single time you’re challenged if you go into conversations like this with that mindset. And the thought of having to repeat the same plays can at times be daunting leading up to confusion and doubt and uncertainty that anything was accomplished at all.

All puns intended when we take on this dynamic in discussing race or sexuality it sets up an us vs them mentality rather than exploring why some have these inaccurate convoluted beliefs. And even when they are right in questioning a person exhibiting self hating tendencies or homophobia (ie not dating one’s own race or trying to define someone else’s sexuality) we have to ask what lead them to see this and open the dialogue even more.

So sports can often reflect the strategies we partake in when we have these types of conversations. Like how some people need to fight in a relationship to prove they’re right just for the sake of argument because it gives them power rather than actually having a legitimate point. Now while I’m not saying life is a game but the way that we interact and choose to have these conversations do take on these dynamics.

Even though this form of communication is the way we are taught to settle debates it is not the way we should be discussing race or sexuality. We need to examine where these questions come from before answering them because when people have questions like my friend that is where he’ll find the answers.

And next time, let me enjoy the damn game in peace.

What Gay Men Say And Feel When The Thirst Is Real

August 13, 2013Opinions and Rantsaccepting, accepting homosexuality, embracing homosexuality, engaging in gay sex, fear of gay sex, gay courting, gay dating apps, gay hookups, gay relationships, Gay Sex, gay socialization, grindr, heteronormative practices, owning sexuality, scruff, sex, sexual idenity, social dating apps, thirstWill Kohler

“Thirsty. Not for something that comes out from faucet, but gravity in equation. It adds and divides, multiplies and subtracts and always equaling desire. This desire yearns to be met with solution. A remedy. For fires to burn and bodies meld. All this for man. Man wishes to drink fully to stifle flames only contact makes solutions hotter and harder to come by. It is our function. Our dysfunction. Lust is the only bodily function I give credence right now. Smells and tastes from lips and tingles between thighs while the glass remains empty. It mocks as we mock ourselves. Mouth is dry and muscles ache, for physical connection. This remedy brief, but satisfying.”

Sounds so dramatic doesn’t it? Or romantic. Or both or not at all. The inner monologue can come up with some really embarrassing commentary on desire as evident from the above entry of my journal over seven years ago. Suffice it to say that as eloquent as I was trying to be in that passage it shows that we are not always coherent when under the influence of our desires. As gay men, well really all men, we always have those moments when all we can think about is satisfying our thirst. And when we’re single it feels like that drive is magnified by just about everything because it seems to occupy so much of our thoughts.

Some may be asking what thirst is well honestly it’s a lot of things. But mostly, thirst is merely the expression of one’s desires for another. Sometimes romantic, almost always sexual, and hardly ever platonic, it is the nature of wanting to be close to someone. A feeling of wanting to show this person of interest every single time you have a chance how much you like them. Always greeting him with an enthusiastic smile. Laughing at all of his jokes. Then we may start to be a bit craftier in expressing our desire.

Showing support for every cause he stands for. Reciting every literary work you learned in high school thinking he may notice. Being irrationally vitriol towards another when he’s angry at someone. Telling him about music you oh so quietly noticed he was into. Instantly disliking anyone he flirts with but still making conversation with them to show that you’re cool and laid back. Being the first to answer any inquiry he asks on social media. Favoriting every tweet he writes and liking every Instagram picture. Waiting until a really good moment you two share before direct messaging him your number. Has to be at the right time or else you’ll seem too needy or reckless or eager. The whole thing becomes meticulous after a while.

Then if he positively responds to any of our previous attempts we escalate our efforts because our thirst has not been quenched. This positive reinforcement means we have to ramp up whatever initiative we have available to attract this man to us. In fact the attention that we received only made the thirst worse so now we want more. As a result we may find ourselves saying or doing things we swore we would never ever do. The thirst is not about being rational or logical; it’s about having our desires satiated. Even if that awkwardly showing off your own physical features of your body you think he may like. Eventually this may mean finding unique ways to bring up how talented you are in sexual exploits.

“Accidentally” posting a pic of you casually getting out of the shower that your bestie took while you were both wasted or the one where you were only taking a pic of your thighs to measure how much gym progress you’ve made when really it’s about showing off the goods. Eventually you become hell-bent on showing this guy that you are the total package that he may or may not have known he always wanted. You want to be noticed. It’s a balancing act because you are constantly micromanaging what you should and should not say or do. Keep in mind that this all happens fast as we keep displaying how we feel until our thirst is satiated and he is the only thing that can squelch that sensation. Or how agile and flexible you are. As men it is natural for us to notice what we see before anything else, in fact we are hard wired to do so.

Then there’s the waiting. Waiting to see if you’ve made some progress on your goal of obtaining this man, agonizing over those first few moments (or seconds) that you’re eagerly awaiting some kind of reply of all your efforts. The great moments when he shows enthusiasm for your latest attempt or slight depression when he either doesn’t show enough enthusiasm or doesn’t reply at all. Eventually we are so into making progress that we don’t notice how some are witnessing how much we are falling all over ourselves to win favor with this guy.

It’s all subtle and direct and blatant and covert. It is the modern way of showing a crush that you’re interested in him. Not at all to confuse this with obsession as that is about completely losing yourself. This is all about expression. Our focus is a little off and we come off as awkward. Meaning literally everything and everyone diverts our attention back to quenching the sexual thirst we have. But we still have our own lives; we still go to work and socialize with our friends. We still pay our bills and plan for our future regardless of relationship status. And eventually we let go if it doesn’t work out. Whether this desire was rooted in wanting a long term relationship where you build lives together or a one night stand you eventually move on.

And people will notice. Family, coworkers, and most certainly those friends that are a part of your inner circle. As a result some will choose to point it out. Or call you out on it, whether it’s appropriate or their place to do so is moot. We have a tendency to rib each other when we notice someone being a bit more exuberant with someone that they like for whatever reasons. That can come from the shame we feel about our own thirst and project that on to other men. Sometimes it’s just jealously because the two people lusting after each other at one point was someone you were once (or possibly still) have some interest or desire in. Or maybe you just feel uncomfortable about it because it’s not the heteronormative way of romantically socializing that were taught was appropriate by society or our parents. Or the worst which is there is no reason.

Sadly some choose to take advantage of the thirst. Some feel that it warrants them to ask for favors knowing full well that being the object of affection gives them power over another. Whether that involves something as simple as asking them to promote something they’re invested in or as out there as having them buy things for them off an Amazon Wish List they know that they are using the real feelings of another to forward their own objective and that’s an awful thing to do to another person.

With all this, you know what I’ve found to be the most helpful in moments like this? Owning it. Admit to yourself that you are a human being that has a sexual appetite just like everyone else, regardless of how willing they are to admit it. Taking ownership of your feelings always gives you power and control. Maybe not over this situation and definitely not over the guy you’re interested in but power over yourself. To accept the state of the situation no matter what. To know that while it is okay for you to feel this way it is never okay for someone to take advantage of that. And enough insight and confidence to be able to tell any hecklers to mind their own damn business.

But mostly, guys don’t beat yourself up for being human. Don’t feel like it’s something that you have to have to hide in shame from your buddies. You may well be an awkward, embarrassing mess since we are not always able to express how we feel in a more sophisticated way. But until then you will most likely say something that upon reflection is completely cringe worthy and all out embarrassing but again, you are human. So let your friends laugh, or judge, or mock because they don’t have the jewels to admit that under the same circumstances they have said and done much worse. And you know what else? That guy you have your eye on will probably show more interest when it comes from a real, honest place.

So drink up.

What Not To Say In Interracial Gay Dating Situations

June 15, 2013Featured, Opinions and RantsAdam 4 Adam, African American and Gay, black and gay, gay culture, gay dating, gay dating apps, gay group dynamics, gay interracial dating, gay interracial relationships, gay lifestyles, gay prejudice, gay relationships, gay social dating apps, grindr, group dynamics, institutionalized homophobia, institutionalized racism, interracial dating, intersectionality, intersectionality of race and homosexuality, racial insensitivity, racial sensitivity, racism in the LGBT community, scruff, sexual insensitivityWill Kohler

Dating can be rough, regardless of sexual orientation but sometimes we can make it a lot harder than it has to be. There’s also a lot of things to consider when romantically pursuing someone you’re interested in, regardless of whether it’s for something long term or just a one night stand. There are things we know we have to be aware of and keep in mind the entire time we’re interacting with these other guys. With that said you’d think there are certain things you should already know when interacting with someone you’re trying to get to know better.

For instance if a person is extremely short you aren’t going to make a comment about how it must be easy for them to reach smaller cupboards are you? No you aren’t. Well at least you shouldn’t bring attention to it. Why? Because it’s rude and whether or not they’ve had with it. Or it could make them self-conscious about something they never had a problem with? And that goes for other physical attributes like birthmarks, speech impediments, physical or mental differentiation in ability. And race, which is what I’ll be focusing on today.

Earlier this week after picking up some healthy nutrition (more like 3 family sized bags of Peanut M&M’s) I noticed a guy was watching my every move. It wasn’t a stare so much as it was one of those looks that someone gives that wants you to notice them. So I turned around and did my default response of whenever someone seems interesting which is an eyebrow raised and I lite tilt of the head. He smiled and returned the gesture.

His eyes appraised me from top to bottom (no pun intended) It appeared that I had passed whatever requirements he had in deciding if someone was attractive/interesting. I have this thing where my eyebrow goes up when I’m smiling and he placed his hand on my shoulder and he commented on how strong he presumed I could be. Then that proceeded into me saying a few sexual innuendos that I won’t bore you with as they were a bit off the cuff and a bit dirty.

All really fun and playful banter. He had an amazing smile and a sweet airy laugh. He loved shifting his weight on either foot to begin and end his thought process. It was all endearing within those first few moments. I was really enjoying the conversation and was ready to forget everything else I had planned for the day go hang out with him right at that moment. But then as he was laughing at our small talk, his expression changed slightly to what only I assume to mean he had something serious to say. He lightly touched my arm and said,

“You’re so cute. Funny. I’d like to get to know you. Seem like one of the good blacks that speak well.”

Seem like one of the good blacks that speak well

THE GOOD BLACKS

All the smiles and playfulness on my face was immediately replaced with revulsion and intense anger. I replied saying why the hell he would say something so racist, forgetting temporarily in that moment that when people say things like that they truly believe they’re paying you a compliment when in fact it’s a huge insult. Needless to as that it completely desiccated any amorous feelings I had for this effervescent man. So instead of enlisting into what I’m sure would’ve been a very heated debate on manners, I collected my belongings and left him standing there in the parking lot.

I wish I could say that this was the first and only time someone has said something like this. Or that I’ve only heard it a dozen times or so. But in reality I have heard this phrase too many times to count from some well-meaning guy something so crass. So many decisions are based on the potential length of the relationship with the first few minutes. You have to convey so much within the first few seconds that you all attributes you want to be known (single/married, looking for sex/looking for love, top/bottom/vers). But when you say something completely asinine like the gentleman in this story you eviscerate any ground you made.

All the things you were silently trying to micromanage onside your head becomes only focused on what you believe he’s focused on. Since he brought up my race, then how am I supposed to focus on anything else? Sure there is a lot of pressure from your inner monologue tell you to decide within this small frame of time what to say and what you should not say. These situations seem to be magnified when there

You see what the problem is with comparing someone to the rest of their race, or other tall or short people, guys with birthmarks, stutters or any other thing that you see as unique, different or outside the box, is that it is a problem for you because that is all you seem to focus on. Too often talking about race in the gay community is dismissed and made taboo because it is just assumed that you can’t be racist if you’re gay. But just because you come from one oppressed group does not mean you know everything there is to know about every other oppressed group.

As I was discussing this with colleagues and close friends they wanted me to elaborate on a few points about intersectionality and how race does affect dating in this community. So I wanted to write about some of the things I feel are the biggest issues and point out some things that I feel arise in these situations that if we remember in these situations you won’t offend a person and actually see them as a person. But more specifically these are some of the issues that arise the most.

You don’t have to tell us that this is the first time you’ve ever went out with an African American or anyone outside your race because more than likely we are the first. Even though we are becoming more diverse by the day, most of the dating pool is in the gay community is comprised of Caucasian males. I know you aren’t going to know each and every phrase. No you don’t need some special manual to interact with me. Just be authentic and treat me as I do you’ as a person.

That doesn’t give you an excuse when you’ve said something we feel is insensitive. You can express how you didn’t see it as offensive but try to understand why we are upset. Just like with being gay, there are a lot of intricate levels of insensitivity to institutionalization of racism. In any case when you’ve offended someone you care about, apologize first then talk about it.

No you are not responsible for knowing every sensitive, intricate detail of what it means to be an African American in this country for the man you’re dating. You don’t have to know the reasoning of every time we are offended by something that is insensitive to the color of our skin. But understand there are so many varying levels you may not see. So when your guy points it out, both of you should be willing to listen to both sides.

Remember how it is when someone straight dismisses you for something you feel is homophobic/insensitive to LGBT? The same rule applies here. Because you may not notice the same things that we do. And we see it from a lifetime of patterns that let us know that the intent of statements like “you’re so articulate” can sometimes mean “I don’t think African Americans are smart, intelligent human beings”

So don’t ever dismiss the way we feel. Ever. Even if you don’t agree and are unable to see what we see. Just because you don’t see what the issue may be known that it may not always affect you even though we are together that it will always affect me.

Yes you can engage in conversations about race and race relations. It affects you just as much as it affects me, just not in the same way. You sitting there listening to me giving a speech about what you did wrong or what I found offensive by what someone has said or done will do nothing but make both of us resentful. Open dialogue is what changes perspectives and fosters understanding.

Don’t tell us why you think we are the exception to our race like the story I shared earlier. It makes us feel like we are some type of anomaly of an otherwise undesirable race of people we belong to and are a part of. Telling us we are a contradiction to a stereotype given to our race implies to us that you believe those stereotypes to be true and that even though you show no evidence to the contrary that we are still capable of those behaviors. So on some level you only see the person as a stereotype or a contradiction of a stereotype, and not the person. Stereotypes imply that we are susceptible, regardless of action and behavior.

You see color. Unless you have some kind of differentiation that does not allow you to see color or are visually blind you see color. When someone says “I don’t see color” that means that you are going to ignore when (sadly not if, but when) something comes up about race. Whether that be an inappropriate comment from you or someone else. See the current politically correct thing to say is phrases like I don’t see color to show that it doesn’t factor in who you’ll choose to date. You can’t say that you enjoy learning about different cultures and perspectives and say you don’t see color. Because you do see color.

But again it’s a generalization, and no one ever wants to be considered the “other”. We all notice differences in culture, race, and ethnicity. All of us need to learn that when it comes to race, sexuality, pretty much anything that is innately different to us, does not equal better or worse. Just different. We are still a society that is obsessed with hierarchy and order instead of incorporating even playing fields for everyone.

I am not just my race so when you focus on that it is all I believe you will ever see when you look at me. If all I believe you can see is what’s on the surface then why would I want to go deeper with you? Spoil you? To put all the effort necessary into building a strong stable relationship or one of the hottest, most passionate hookups ever? Because you are only seeing the surface. And I am better than that. Even certain myths and stereotypes (no matter how true they may be) that on the surface shows a group in a positive light are based in discrimination and hate.

Be open and ask. Be open to the fact that perspectives are going to be different. Patience and understanding is rewarded to those that are willing to hear both sides of an argument/view/opinion. When we listen even when we don’t agree because it allows us to see why we feel the way we do.You should never be afraid to ask someone you’re with why something is the way it is. Just don’t treat it like a science project that you’re collecting data for. Don’t understand something? Ask. We are not silently blaming you for the actions of ancestors long gone, but we cannot ignore that their actions still affect us. So talk. As often as necessary.

Not everything will be about race, Far from it. But don’t pretend that these issues won’t arise because they will, just like every relationship. This isn’t to detour you from pursuing someone you’re interested in. These situations only become a big issue is because as a community we actively choose to ignore it and not talk about it. And just like any relationship when communication is down, everything falls apart.

But let me make this clear that this is no more work than if you were dating someone of the same race. I’m pointing this out because it is obvious and something you can see thus making it easier to address. This is to remind those that have always wondered but been unaware of how to approach it. We can’t change it if we ignore it. So scenarios like the story I told earlier still being a reality today fade into history where they belong.

Is He A Top Or A Bottom?

April 1, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsbeing gay, communication in gay relationships, gay clubs, gay community, gay conflicts, gay couples, gay dating, gay femininity, gay interactions, gay kiss, gay labels, gay love, gay masculinity, gay men, gay norms, gay perceptions, gay relationships, Gay Sex, gay sex positions, gay sex roles, gay social apps, gay stereotypes, grindr, growing up gay, hetero-normative behaviors, heteronormative practices, internalized misogyny, masculinity, misogyny, out of the closet, self hate, self worth, sex, sexual preferences, stereotypes of the gay communityWill Kohler

Today while attempting to research for something to blog about I came across this article in the Advocate titled, Six Reasons Why it Sucks to Be a Gay Man, that discussed the different ways that being gay has its downfalls. Never mind the negative tone the name of the article has as it is apparent after reading the first two paragraphs that the author was satirically making a point through humor and I can’t fault him for that.

However there was one particular point on the list that really frustrated me. Maybe frustrate is too strong a word as it’s not so much that I have hostility towards this point, but rather I question the point itself. It talked about how not knowing a potential partner’s sexual role early on can pose problems later on in the relationship. The author implies how it sucks when two gay men get together and are dating only later to find out that they are first in fact bottoms:

4. “Wait … we are both bottoms?”

It’s the third date and you have been on your best behavior with that gorgeous man across the dinner table. That means no “sexting,” no more than two cocktails, and nothing below the waist … until now.

You think, Finally, this is how dating is supposed to be! You didn’t meet on Grindr or sleep with each other on the first date. You have the same taste in music and even talked about how you both want kids. Everything is perfect!

That is, until things finally start heating up and your thighs keep wanting to go in the same direction as his. After a frustrating make-out session and an awkward discussion in the nude, the reality of your preferred position becomes apparent. Even if one of you may be more “versatile” than the other, you are both bottoms.

So there went the wedding bells, but it could be worse. At least you have a new shopping pal.

This of course would cause problems in any relationship when you have a preference to a specific sexual role; if you’re not into it, you just aren’t. But the first thought I had when I read this point is why would this information be something that you would find out on the third date? When is the right time to ask this question.

And I know that most already know the answers to this question depending on their own experience or belief in common sense but some of us are not as clear on parameters because of inexperience. Or the fact that as the more men you interact with, the sooner you realize that the answer is not as clear cut as you once believed.

Because despite what the media, and sometimes what our own beliefs about the validity in stereotypes of gay men, we know deep down that we are a very diverse group of men so you can’t just go by appearance. Or how they walk. Or how they talk. Their profession. All of these demographics don’t automatically tell you this crucial information that will at some point will mean something to both of you. And despite their popularity, we don’t always have the convenience of social dating apps like Grindr to blatantly list what are our sexual preferences.

Some may be saying right now, “all that stuff doesn’t matter, it’s all about the connection”. Well like it or not sex is a component of that connection. Granted, it is not the only connection two people can share with each other or the only way to physically express affections for one another but it is still an important part to intimacy. Remember that as men we react first by what they see, so we also base our future behaviors on what we see in the present and foreseeable future.

You may have sex on the first date or may not have sex for the first six months of dating someone new, but a lot of the attraction may be centered on how you were attracted to him in the first place. So the discussion needs to happen at some point well before you make it to the bedroom one night to take your relationship further. So this will come up at some point.

But the question is of course when. When do approach sex roles in potential partners? So how would you approach the matter if it weren’t so apparent? Would you bluntly ask? Going up to someone and saying hi, I’m (insert name) and I’m wanted to know if you’re a top or bottom” probably won’t go over too smoothly. We can all appreciate a direct inquiry but you’re more than likely to offend someone with a question that is so intimate and private.

Would a better way to approach the dilemma be to enact on a series of vague questions to find out the answer? What an icebreaker that could be, if done correctly. There’s drawback to that as well. A lot of guys do not like these types of long-winded, mull around the bush questions (including myself). After a while they can come off as condescending and suggests that you are too much the inquisitor rather than potential lover.

Maybe the best approach would be a combination of the first two scenarios. But instead of asking them, under no uncertain terms declaring what sexual role you prefer. For instance at some point providing information about your own preferred sexual role (without being vulgar or inappropriate), you suggest how much you love leading your dance partner on the floor and doing a very sensual rumba. And that doesn’t have to include actually discussing sex itself. But that can be seen as being too forward.

Maybe that approach is too forward as well, suggesting cockiness and that you just assumed what you believe is their sexual role. the whole guessing game and these tactics you employ can be tiresome. Honestly I don’t think this situation of later on finding out two guys are both bottoms happens that often as natural chemistry will express what each of your roles are. So maybe listening is the true key. Maybe there are subtle indications that can help that we don’t pay attention to often. Maybe that was what the author was suggesting.

I believe it’s important to ask why we have such a hard time approaching this topic in the first place. The biggest reason is the result of what the roles themselves imply. Being a top implies masculinity and strength as well as dominance while being the bottom signifies submissive, feminine attributes. One of the problems arises is when we take those sexual roles we assign ourselves outside the bedroom and apply it to everyday life.

It’s no secret that in the gay community that the bottom is the brunt (no pun intended) of many jokes. And is seen as a negative attribute, especially by those that carry heteronormative practices of misogyny into the gay community. That means they, like chauvinistic men in the rest of society associate anything feminine as being weak.

We can blame it on media, or upbringing as much as we want but the truth is we are responsible for correcting those ill-conceived beliefs into the community. As I’ve stated before, we have to take accountability for not repeating the mistakes we advocate against. Basically, remember what I said earlier about every guy being different? That’s the most important thing you can do. And be honest in however you discuss it.

Lastly, don’t ever question what sexual role he says he prefers and take him at his word. Just the way you would want to not be scrutinized by whatever your preferred sexual role is for you. If you either don’t believe or accept that then kindly move on to some other topic or someone else.

I won’t tell you which method is right or wrong because that is not my job description in this setting However I will say to always remember how you want to be addressed when this question is asked of you and how you’d respond accordingly. The chemistry will say more than any line of questioning you can think up and provide you with the answer when necessary. And guys, always do it with respect. Perceive each man, regardless of the position he prefers, is still a man and a human being. Remember and respect that.

From Gaybies To Love Me Maybes; Tales Of Being Openly Gay

March 27, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsgay categories, gay categorization, gay community, gay couples, gay dynamics, gay esteem, gay fear, gay friends, gay labels, gay life, gay lifestyles, gay love, gay man, gay men, gay names, gay outlook, gay perception, gay relationships, gay self esteem, gay self hate, Gay Sex, gay sex categories, gay stigma, growing up gay, in the closet, life after coming out of the closet, self love, stages of developmentWill Kohler

Okay I’m back here again. After I said that I had written the last tale of growing up gay I realized that the story didn’t end there for me. Nor does it end for the rest of us when we come out. Why? Because we continue to grow and change. Evolve. Most notably this all happens within the first couple of years. You discover so much about what being gay means to you. All the existential introspective listening to music while pondering your life occurs in this time period.

So I wanted to again write about the experiences I’ve had and to the best of my ability generalize it as I feel many gay men may have at some point experienced these stages. Because we reconcile those experiences and learn from our past when we talk about them. This isn’t so much a tale as it is just an exercise in random, yet meaningful, assortments of different stages/aspects we go through.

Gaybies

This is the term given to gay men the first year that they are officially out of the closet. It’s generalized that way because in a sense you’ve been born again. The world is new, and this is the time when you can actually celebrate who you are openly. Everything in the world seems so big. More real. You could definitely compare it to the first time Mary Tyler Moore walked the streets of New York City. You feel so revitalized and aware of pleasures, both simplistic and deep.

There are so many firsts that occur when you step out into the world as a gay man. No more trying to hide the fact that you love men and want to have sex with them. You openly talk about sex. Some of us during this stage just want sex. Lots and lots of sex. One of the many advantages of being a member of this community is that you’ll find out is that sex isn’t hard to find. And I certainly will not begrudge anyone that partakes in this behavior (safely).

It’s all exciting and you want to soak up every catch phrase and whatever the in thing to do is at that time. Go to every gay bar that you can get into. The rush of excitement every time you write down the words “I’m gay”. You take a deep breath every time you say it to someone who doesn’t know the truth yet and are either greeted with a displeasing reaction so you can give a quick rebuttal that you’ve rehearsed a thousand times mentally. Or take a huge sigh of relief when they are welcoming and loving.

But this stage isn’t all fun. Just with everything else in life this time period teaches you that there is a darker side to just about every community. More notably, this is when you find out about rejection. Scathing, brutally honest rejection. I’m not talking about when a crush says no thank you after you have finally worked up the courage to ask them out. It’s when you walk up to a prospective guy to show interest in you will flat out tell you whether they like you or not.

They will unabashedly tell you everything that’s right or wrong with you. Wrong hair, terrible shoes, lame accessories, ill-fitting clothes, dieting tips and workout routines they think would help you look better. That’s just in the first minute of talking to him. We also quickly learn about the social hierarchy of sex and how many will immediately size you up within 3 seconds and label you a top, bottom, verse, dom top. power bottom, vers top, vers bottom or anything in between. You will also be categorized based on size and body hair as if you are a new produce that needs to be bagged tagged and shelved until ready for use,

It could range from gym rat, otter, bear, leather daddy, twink, cub, “straight acting” gaypster (gay hipster) gaymer (gay gamer) bromo (gay dude bro) manther (gay cougar), a bunch of other lame inane adjectives or the ever so dreaded “average”. In my first year of being out, I’d say the labels is what I struggled with most because I outright abhor them. As many gay people of color will tell you, we’ve already had enough with being categorized just by your natural appearance. I’m in no way knocking it if you feel like they embody your personality. But my free loving nature resists any attempts to categorization or labels. .

Anger/Rejection of Perceived Gay Norms

After your gayby year, you feel like you’ve got the hang of it. Because this is most likely the most self-indulgent superficial year of your life. At least it was for me. I took full advantage of all the gay world had to offer and more. But I came down hard to reality after that year. Because we learn about how we are truly affected by society and what is really going on with us. Our problems as a community. This can result in a lot of anger.

The reality of the world may lead to this stage of anger because as both an outsider and eventually an insider you see vanity and self-absorbed tendencies to the max. After that much self-indulgence you become frustrated because that has been your world for such a long time. Failing to realize the true complexity the gay community could appear to have a total disregard for feelings or a total lack of acceptance to any differences. There’s more than likely frustration that accompanies this because you felt that it was different. Then you learn that it is all about the places you go and the people you associate.

This time is also marked by, depending on your perspective, harsh realization that people don’t always equate sex with love. Or maybe you’re angry because you are just fed up with the archaic labels and shallow pace the gay community seems to be set in. You may see the majority of gay men as superficial egotistical airbags.

This is the time where you may become outspoken and angry at society. Angered how religion and God’s Word is twisted to fit man’s image when it’s fueled by greed and power. You begin to reciprocate the anger that is directed at you because you remember all the times you were afraid of being who you were before coming out. You are angry because you feel like you always have to be on guard to protect yourself from those incensed with hate and bigotry.

Introspection of Gay Lifestyles

This is when we look inside for answers because we want to make sense of this community. All the things that you have learned and all the feelings of anger and frustration build to a point where you quietly back away from all things gay. It’s not so much that you don’t want to be gay it’s your way of searching for answers. You ask yourself how you can find contentment in so much chaos. You speculate and theorize about how you can coexist with this pace. Then you begin to question your outlook.

This is the time that you learn the true nature of your sexuality. You learn the mechanics of having sex with another man. And now that you’re listening and asking real questions about life, you learn and hear the real personal impact of HIV/AIDS from the people you meet. You realize they are not the virus, that they are people.

This is also when you question everything that you had to push back out of your mind because being gay was the only thing that mattered. But now you’re learning that it’s only one aspect of who you are. You question the very notion of faith and what you believe to be truth or creature comforts.

You’ve learned about activism and how to get involved in fundraisers for hospice care and youth centers. You donate to the cause and let your actions speak for you rather than heated emotions taking over. You reconcile so much of the anger you had both with yourself and with society. Sometimes, after years of being in this community, the sad, detached, distrustful, and overall apprehensive feelings of expecting anyone of real value coming into your life has merely been the result of your outlook.

Gay Acceptance

All this time you’ve spent thinking, wondering who you are and what gay means, you come to a serene, clear moment that places all of these emotions that you’ve had about the gay community and about yourself. Again you learn to not look at any person or situation by the few superficial aspects that commonly define them.

This is when you’ve finally and completely accepted yourself and your sexuality. No longer do you feel like you have to declare how masculine you are to prove your worth as a man No longer are you concerned with how gay you look because you know that you can only live your life. Instead of being angry and having resentment towards those that do have it all together or all the advantages of society. this is the time where you just take action accordingly.

Getting involved to help when and where you can. By this time in your life you realize that maybe you shouldn’t look at movies or base finding love off of sitcoms. That true genuine people are around that will share your interests and concerned for your well-being. At this point when you write the words “I’m gay” you see it as just a part of who you are, like hair color or height. This is the time marked by when you’re looking for someone to spend your life with, you aren’t too concerned with him being a top or bottom as chemistry will work that all out, You’ll care more about if he’s genuine, engaging, and considerate to who you are and building your lives together.

These are when you have friends in your life that instead of picking you a part because of their own neuroses will always pick you up when you fall. You are finally able to see a plethora of loving, caring men that truly want to help you gain your identity that’s separate from all the inane sometimes uninspired labels. All visible from the beginning that maybe you overlooked. You will learn that you’ve learned that you are not just a letter to the acronym of LGBT and neither are the rest of the men of this community. You recognize that gay is not the subgroup in this community. This the moment that you truly are a complete, actualized being.

Again this is a very rough assortment of some of what we experience. Some of us go through all these aspects and stages one at a time, all at the same time or none at all. This was basically to show that we are in fact always growing no matter what stage.

Hey Gays, There’s No Such Thing As Hag In Friendship

February 20, 2013Opinions and Rantsbest friends, coming out, friendship, gay, gay community, gay culture, gay friendships, gay hags, gay life, gay lifestyle, gay men, gay perceptions, gay relationships, gay stigma, gay support, gay support system, in the closet, LGBT Community, source of gay strength, Will & GraceWill Kohler

People always want to analyze the constructs of any community and label each component. We all do in order to understand the unique complexities that structure a culture’s behaviors, customs, and even thought processes. Understanding the mechanics allows us to be able to understand why people are the way we are. And the gay community is no different. We have certain things about us that are a part of our daily lives that help us in one way or another. Often, when asked about what things are involved in our daily lives one thing always comes to mind that makes our experience as gay men truly unique.

Now this is the one accessory that nearly every gay man has in their possession. It serves as a calendar and journal that documents the inner workings of your life in just about every aspect. Most of us, at some point, reference to these record keepers as they are often the ones that help us analyze our lives. No matter how feminine or masculine any gay man claims to be, this is acquired in one way or another and is a part of your daily life. And it always comes in the form of a woman.

This woman does just about everything with you. From picking out clothes to going to night clubs together. Workout together. Eat together then obsess about your weight so you have to go workout together again. You have great movie marathons and dance parties to occupy the lonely nights or just because you love to dance. Road trips and music concerts become your freedom anthems. You cry together over breakups and laugh after your latest conquest in the arena of love. She defends your honor and stands by you

They are most likely one of the first people we tell that we’re gay, if not the first. And even though they have always known they quietly sit as you shed copious amounts of tears and console you, all the while allowing you to tell your story. Even though they will never completely understand what it’s like to be different they do everything in their power to make sure you don’t feel different around them. They let us know that it’s okay to be who we really are and let us know that there is always someone there no matter what anyone else thinks.

Often they are the voice of reason that talks us through the pained experiences that we encounter every day. Not only do they witness the trials we face as gay men when we are ridiculed and harassed, but also when we are facing that prolific battle of accepting ourselves internally. Because we all know that there is so much more than saying the words “I’m gay” when we come out. They stand there with us to lift our spirits and tend our wounded hearts and egos.

They will rally at our first gay pride parade and compare notes on deciding if the insanely hot guy that walked into the coffee shop plays on our team or team hetero and then have some of the most intricate dialogue to see who’s right. Throughout so many first steps that we take as gay men are greeted by the solace these women provide.

They will listen to you when you both attempt to decipher the biggest mistakes made in both past and current relationships. They will listen for hours on end to the endless mounds of exposition that you give on life because you do not understand why relationships have to be so damn complimented. They simply have a way of making everything in life a little more glamorous.

They grant us a smile just because they want to brighten our day. To assist in the most mundane of tasks to the wildest of adventures. From our resounding victories and conquests in love to the devastating life altering despair of ending relationships, they are there for us. To the casual outside observer, the dynamic of a gay man with a straight woman as best friends would resemble a tv sitcom. And maybe in some ways it is a little like Will & Grace. But it’s not all sunshine and smiles.

When we’ve done something wrong, they won’t let it slide.They will call you out on your crap faster than anyone else. They now when to coddle us and when to tell us to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, to pick up, dust off, and get back in there and fight for what we want. It is not asked for it is demanded because they often see the strength that we are unable to in our more fragile moments. They challenge us to challenge ourselves to be better men than we once believed.

By now you know who I’m referring to. They are referred as the hags of our communities. And I know there’s another word that goes before that. A word that we are called when we are bullied and beaten and threatened. A three letter word that can haunt some of us for our entire lives because it is associated with being weak. And we are not weak. And neither are the women that stand by us and as a result I refuse to say it, because for me it is a word of disrespect no matter the context.

See these women are not accessories. They are our friends. Too often we lose sight of that and treat these treasures like the latest fad that can be ditched at any time. They are not the sidekick to our superhero complex, there merely to provide some form of comic relief to our overdramatic lives. These women are in the thick of it right along with us. To many of us they become a never-ending source of strength when we are at some of the most vulnerable times in our lives. These women have a somewhat detailed account of the experiences we go through every day. They love us. So why would we ever degrade the magnitude if their significance by calling them a hag?

I know that most of us do not treat these exemplary women that are in our lives in such vapid fashion. But this is for the ones that do openly, or may not recognize that they do. I also know that it’s about semantics. I know that words only have the power that we allow them to possess. But it still needs to be said from time to time that these magnificent women are not to be the brunt of our jokes whenever we’re feeling vindictive or projecting our own insecurities upon. They do not exist to merely serve our purposes, both deep and superficial in nature. They are not and should never be at our beckon call. They are people just like us. They are not hags. They are our friends. One of the best kind.

So, Are You Up For A Menage A Trois Or Dinner For Two?

January 20, 2013Opinions and RantsBDSM, gay couples, gay lifestyles, gay men, gay relationships, Gay Sex, Relationships, romance, semantics, sexualityWill Kohler

Which one sounds better? A nice, quiet stroll down a beach on a clear moonlit night, then have a nice candlelight dinner with a smooth vintage wine. Gazing into each others eyes and when you hold hands it feels like fireworks are going off. Amazing chemistry and this feeling of euphoria consumes your entire being. Passion erupts into this beautiful declaration of endless love, an oath to share eternity together and you physically unite to demonstrate this affection.

Or how about meeting up with two other men in the industrial district. Upon your arrival where you all convene at, you know the building designed to withstand heavy weight in harnesses and chains. Masks and gags are applied to heighten the experience. There’s a passionate exchange and you never see them until ready for the next encounter. Two vivid, yet very different scenarios of real relationships. Neither is better or worse than the other, just different. And until adulthood, we only refer to the quiet dinner.

One of the fastest things we learn about when we enter the gay community is how different/same relationships are between partners. If we’re honest with ourselves, it does not resemble the trademark couples of Mr and Mrs Beaver or any other sitcom on nuclear families. The perennial image of two people meeting as a result of destiny or a higher power that are meant for each other for the rest of their lives isn’t always the standard. But to be fair, this is not the case of straight couples either, no matter how often or loudly those religious zealots claim. And yet we are still hardwired to seek out these types of relationships where two people settle down and make a life for each other.

Even with all this knowledge of how relationships work (or don’t work) it is the one thing as gay men we seem to struggle with the most. Maybe it’s because we want the fairytale, And who wouldn’t? Despite the research that claims as men we are sexual nomads that have to quench this neurological thirst to sow our seed. Some of us want to be the Prince Charming sweeping that special guy off his feet and show him a w whole new world. Dance so his feet never touch the ground. To be completely swept up in a moment that time stands still and how our love will become a tale as old as time. It’s okay to want that.

But sooner or later, we learn that this isn’t always the case. We begin to see that some have more than one boyfriend and that is a perfectly acceptable rule in the relationship. Or that each partner can have sex with as many other men as they want as long as there is no emotional investment involved in these encounters. That more men in our community are open to having relationships that don’t require more than having a traveling toothbrush and a package of condoms. Because sometimes sex is just sex. Most of our relationships don’t even begin the same way as we were taught. Sometimes relationships d start off in the smoky, dimly light club or raunchy house party. Sometimes the greatest relationships we have start off online with not a clue as to whether or not they are real.

We learn that everyone else in the world has a different definition of what relationships and love means. Most times this lesson is hard but we grow from it. Most of the time. And the longer we live, the more we discover because of our experiences that we change what we want from relationships. The idea of what it means differs from each point in our lives. But what makes it different when it’s between two men?

So many questions come from thinking about this, whether single or in a relationship. Because our definition of what a relationship changes. We change everyday. Whether it’s small, incremental notes or huge leaps there is still change. We mistake sex for a meaningful relationship when sometimes, it’s just sex. It makes me wonder sometimes if we just settle for the ideal and pursuit of monogamy because that’s the only thing we know. Because that’s what fairytale and books and our parents taught us as children. The concept of true love only seems to happen in made up stories when you see everyone getting a divorce or hear of one or both of them have had infidelities.

We change so why not our perceptions on relationships? I know mine have in the long-term relationships I’ve had with men. In fact, the first relationship I had with a man was an open relationship. Even though the circumstances to it being open was because we weren’t out yet we still had all of those components that we defined. But our relationship didn’t end because I couldn’t handle it, we simply grew apart. My rules are of course were different then they are now because I want that closed type of relationship.

It all boils down to semantics. Because we need to be clear, no matter what your position on it, to understand where you stand on relationships and make that clear with the person(s) that you have this relationship. Communication is always the savoir or the downfall to every relationship so talk about what it means for you.

The Awkward Nuances Of A Gay Man Flirting

September 27, 2012Opinions and Rantsflirting, gay couples, gay lifestyle, gay relationships, RelationshipsWill Kohler

Contributor’s Note: It has been a very long, trying day. Here’s an old entry. Enjoy!

Today I reflected on the very beginning of romantic relationships. Those baby steps when flirting is a key component to building upon communication and fostering understanding. These playful conversations allow learning more about each other. And while some view it as a sport I don’t view matters of the heart as games to become a gold medalist. When it comes to flirting most of the time I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. When I talk about this with some of my friends, it’s hard for them to believe that I’m bashful and shy when I’m interested in a guy. I’ve always been very social and don’t have a hard time communicating my emotions on any topic, except love. And I apologize now as I feel this entry will be just an awkward rambling on the subject so bear with me and maybe you’ll have a good laugh (at my expense but everyone needs to laugh at themselves sometimes so go ahead).

By nature, I’m not a big flirt mainly because I sound so awkward trying to “woo” someone. Yeah I know we live in the digital technology age and we can get tips on anything and everything. GayLife.com even has a list of 10 things to do when trying to flirt with a guy, but I am sure I would mess that up too. And I am NOT knocking people who do that, it’s just not for me.

See when I flirt, I start these weird facial expressions that are practically involuntary while mumbling an incoherent language. One of my exes called the paramedics once because he thought I was having a seizure which made the facial expressions worse and I was so embarrassed I couldn’t speak. Of course that makes not only me look like a mess but also leaves the guy that I’m pursuing full of secondhand embarrassment. It’s even worse when I say something that wasn’t meant to be a play on words and there’s more mumbling and embarrassment with abstract facial expressions. None of this would happen if I had a baby sloth that was with me the entire time to avoid tension and keep awkward moments away because I think they’re magical and who doesn’t love sloths? No one, that’s who. I’m not shy I just have a strong fixation on not ever wanting to make someone feel uncomfortable especially if I phrase the one liner the wrong way.

My point (finally) is what are the limits to flirting? Do new romances always have to start with flirting? Well that can’t be true because that’s not how any of my previous relationships started. How far does one need to take it? Is it better to have the direct approach or a bag full of clever innuendos? And why do I make something that seems relatively easy to do so hard? Maybe I have this idea that it feels rushed because I’m constantly trying to think of witty things to say and it leads into me becoming a klutz. I’ve walked into glass panels, almost fell down a storm drain, and slid down a hill leaving my shoes on the sidewalk. Grace is not a strong suit of mine in matters of the heart.

I know that everyone experiences the butterflies in the stomach but my stomach seems to resemble the altoids with dr pepper experiment, knowing that soon enough that I’m going to completely embarrass myself. Guess I just like the direct approach. I like when a guy just flat out says ‘hey dude, I like you’ (swoon). Don’t get me wrong, wooing and clever/cunning jokes gets you extra points but just being honest from the beginning is so refreshing. And if you’ve crafted the flirting skill well I commend you and envy your stealthy ways of wooing. I just am unable to do so. I just feel like when it’s real, you use your heart to speak for you, not the most clever thing you can say.

Maybe it’s because I’ve had awful relationships where vague messages were half of the problems in the relationship which led to this examination of my awkwardness. I don’t want to rush romance but I definitely don’t want to waste time. Maybe that’s where my extraterrestrial-like gestures come from is because I’m not speaking from the heart when trying to flirt. It’s not organic or real.

This is in no way downplaying or diminishing how everyone else flirts or how they show romance. It’s just for me, I want to skip that until we get to know each other. That’s when my quick wit comes in full force. Maybe it’s because I’m a late bloomer and was only 5’4 until about sixteen years old and in one summer grew almost a foot. So there’s no big revelation to this discussion. I don’t have sage wisdom for the masses to take into practice, or by writing this that I’m providing some new undiscovered technique in the art of flirting. To me, when flirting comes naturally and from the heart, it’s easier, endearing, and incredibly hot. So there isn’t a time table of when to start, it’s about how you start. That’s all I got. Except for sloths. Sloths Rock.

Sofellow readers, is fliirting necessary or outdated?

Back2Stonewall

Independent LGBT News, Culture, Media and History

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