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From Gaybies To Love Me Maybes; Tales Of Being Openly Gay

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Okay I’m back here again. After I said that I had written the last tale of growing up gay I realized that the story didn’t end there for me. Nor does it end for the rest of us when we come out. Why? Because we continue to grow and change. Evolve. Most notably this all happens within the first couple of years. You discover so much about what being gay means to you. All the existential introspective listening to music while pondering your life occurs in this time period.

So I wanted to again write about the experiences I’ve had and to the best of my ability generalize it as I feel many gay men may have at some point experienced these stages. Because we reconcile those experiences and learn from our past when we talk about them. This isn’t so much a tale as it is just an exercise in random, yet meaningful, assortments of different stages/aspects we go through.

Gaybies

This is the term given to gay men the first year that they are officially out of the closet. It’s generalized that way because in a sense you’ve been born again. The world is new, and this is the time when you can actually celebrate who you are openly.  Everything in the world seems so big. More real. You could definitely compare it to the first time Mary Tyler Moore walked the streets of New York City. You feel so revitalized and aware of pleasures, both simplistic and deep.

There are so many firsts that occur when you step out into the world as a gay man. No more trying to hide the fact that you love men and want to have sex with them. You openly talk about sex. Some of us during this stage just want sex. Lots and lots of sex. One of the many advantages of being a member of this community is that you’ll find out is that sex isn’t hard to find.  And I certainly will not begrudge anyone that partakes in this behavior (safely).

It’s all exciting and you want to soak up every catch phrase and whatever the in thing to do is at that time. Go to every gay bar that you can get into. The rush of excitement every time you write down the words “I’m gay”. You take a deep breath every time you say it to someone who doesn’t know the truth yet and are either greeted with a displeasing reaction so you can give a quick rebuttal that you’ve rehearsed a thousand times mentally. Or take a huge sigh of relief when they are welcoming and loving.

But this stage isn’t all fun. Just with everything else in life this time period teaches you that there is a darker side to just about every community. More notably, this is when you find out about rejection. Scathing, brutally honest rejection. I’m not talking about when a crush says no thank you after you have finally worked up the courage to ask them out. It’s when you walk up to a prospective guy to show interest in you will flat out tell you whether they like you or not.

They will unabashedly tell you everything that’s right or wrong with you. Wrong hair, terrible shoes, lame accessories, ill-fitting clothes, dieting tips and workout routines they think would help you look better. That’s just in the first minute of talking to him. We also quickly learn about the social hierarchy of sex and how many will immediately size you up within 3 seconds and label you a top, bottom, verse, dom top. power bottom, vers top, vers bottom or anything in between. You will also be categorized based on size and body hair as if you are a new produce that needs to be bagged tagged and shelved until ready for use,

It could range from gym rat, otter, bear, leather daddy, twink, cub, “straight acting” gaypster (gay hipster) gaymer (gay gamer) bromo (gay dude bro) manther (gay cougar), a bunch of other lame inane adjectives or the ever so dreaded “average”. In my first year of being out, I’d say the labels is what I struggled with most because I outright abhor them. As many gay people of color will tell you, we’ve already had enough with being categorized just by your natural appearance.  I’m in no way knocking it if you feel like they embody your personality. But my free loving nature resists any attempts to categorization or labels. .

Anger/Rejection of Perceived Gay Norms

After your gayby year, you feel like you’ve got the hang of it. Because this is most likely the most self-indulgent superficial year of your life. At least it was for me. I took full advantage of all the gay world had to offer and more. But I came down hard to reality after that year. Because we learn about how we are truly affected by society and what is really going on with us. Our problems as a community. This can result in a lot of anger.

The reality of the world may lead to this stage of anger because as both an outsider and eventually an insider you see vanity and self-absorbed tendencies to the max. After that much self-indulgence you become frustrated because that has been your world for such a long time. Failing to realize the true complexity the gay community could appear to have a total disregard for feelings or a total lack of acceptance to any differences. There’s more than likely frustration that accompanies this because you felt that it was different. Then you learn that it is all about the places you go and the people you associate.

This time is also marked by, depending on your perspective, harsh realization that people don’t always equate sex with love. Or maybe you’re angry because you are just fed up with the archaic labels and shallow pace the gay community seems to be set in. You may see the majority of gay men as superficial egotistical airbags.

This is the time where you may become outspoken and angry at society. Angered how religion and God’s Word is twisted to fit man’s image when it’s fueled by greed and power. You begin to reciprocate the anger that is directed at you because you remember all the times you were afraid of being who you were before coming out.  You are angry because you feel like you always have to be on guard to protect yourself from those incensed with hate and bigotry.

Introspection of Gay Lifestyles

This is when we look inside for answers because we want to make sense of this community. All the things that you have learned and all the feelings of anger and frustration build to a point where you quietly back away from all things gay. It’s not so much that you don’t want to be gay it’s your way of searching for answers. You ask yourself how you can find contentment in so much chaos. You speculate and theorize about how you can coexist with this pace. Then you begin to question your outlook.

This is the time that you learn the true nature of your sexuality. You learn the mechanics of having sex with another man. And now that you’re listening and asking real questions about life, you learn and hear the real personal impact of HIV/AIDS from the people you meet. You realize they are not the virus, that they are people.

This is also when you question everything that you had to push back out of your mind because being gay was the only thing that mattered. But now you’re learning that it’s only one aspect of who you are. You question the very notion of faith and what you believe to be truth or creature comforts.

You’ve learned about activism and how to get involved in fundraisers for hospice care and youth centers. You donate to the cause and let your actions speak for you rather than heated emotions taking over. You reconcile so much of the anger you had both with yourself and with society. Sometimes, after years of being in this community, the sad, detached, distrustful, and overall apprehensive feelings of expecting anyone of real value coming into your life has merely been the result of your outlook.

Gay Acceptance

All this time you’ve spent thinking, wondering who you are and what gay means, you come to a serene, clear moment that places all of these emotions that you’ve had about the gay community and about yourself. Again you learn to not look at any person or situation by the few superficial aspects that commonly define them.

This is when you’ve finally and completely accepted yourself and your sexuality. No longer do you feel like you have to declare how masculine you are to prove your worth as a man  No longer are you concerned with how gay you look because you know that you can only live your life. Instead of being angry and having resentment towards those that do have it all together or all the advantages of society. this is the time where you just take action accordingly.

Getting involved to help when and where you can. By this time in your life you realize that maybe you shouldn’t look at movies or base finding love off of sitcoms. That true genuine people are around that will share your interests and concerned for your well-being. At this point when you write the words “I’m gay” you see it as just a part of who you are, like hair color or height. This is the time marked by when you’re looking for someone to spend your life with, you aren’t too concerned with him being a top or bottom as chemistry will work that all out, You’ll care more about if he’s genuine, engaging, and considerate to who you are and building your lives together.

These are when you have friends in your life that instead of picking you a part because of their own neuroses will always pick you up when you fall. You are finally able to see a plethora of loving, caring men that truly want to help you gain your identity that’s separate from all the inane sometimes uninspired labels. All visible from the beginning that maybe you overlooked. You will learn that you’ve learned that you are not just a letter to the acronym of LGBT and neither are the rest of the men of this community. You recognize that gay is not the subgroup in this community. This the moment that you truly are a complete, actualized being.

Again this is a very rough assortment of some of what we experience. Some of us go through all these aspects and stages one at a time, all at the same time or none at all. This was basically to show that we are in fact always growing no matter what stage.

 

First Loves To Push & Shoves; More Tales Of Growing Up Gay

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 dark gay

In my last piece I focused on the beginning of our process. The time of innocence and discovery that allows us to see how we’re different. And now this tale is about the middle part of this journey. It’s darker because this is when the internal conflict of accepting who you are and what everyone else believes you are.  During this time of the process we are presented with pushes and shoves that drive us to acceptance. Some are subtle yet linger with us while others are overt direct conflict that consumes every aspect of our daily lives. The time in which we leave our adolescence and begin adulthood is marked with these shoves during our process. Even though this is not as lighthearted and carefree as the first tale, it is just as important. Maybe even more so.

So I had learned I was different in third grade. Even though this discovery is monumental, the way I came about it was so carefree and innocent. And I was not prepared for the dark twist and turns of development coming my way. As we get into adolescence and later adulthood, we start to feel those push to understand and accept being gay. The first shove was to understand why I was different. Why I thought about guys instead of girls. Why I felt the need to want I wondered for what seemed like years why I didn’t like girls the same way. I thought girls were great. Still do. They’re nice and have amazing hair that I always want to play with for hours on end.  But that shove to be like all the other guys was strong; I was never quite able to be as they were.

It lead me to take on more androgynous behaviors and to this day I am still not sure if it was intentional or because I enjoyed those activities. And this understanding leads me to my first dark period. Bad hair, bad clothes and a sullen guy that listened to R.E.M. on repeat every day. That was coupled with my brief consideration on whether or not this was truly what God wanted for me. I also knew it was about how I didn’t fit into everyone else’s mold of what a stocky 6’4 guy should be like. I quickly learned not to care what others thought about every other area of my life but I still refused to confirm what a select few had suspected. And the representations of what I thought gay was did not resemble me at all so I didn’t know how to be gay. Or maybe I was just stubborn.

Those awkward years ended and finally I was an adult. I felt like as soon as I arrived on my first day that I would feel this euphoria and be able to just come out, everyone would be cool and I wouldn’t care either way because I was happy. And even though that year was the best of my life I still felt hollow. Because I still hadn’t come out yet. The shove of a new life and new beginnings was not enough for me to come out and fully accept my sexuality. I knew and accepted it years before. And more importantly to me, my parents knew. At that time their opinion and support was all that mattered. I often wonder if it was fear of being judged on one more thing I could not change. Because of my race I had faced discrimination. And I did not want to have to always be aware of something everyone else would constantly judge me on. But until I had that final push came the first of much one summer night. Or maybe I was just scared.

And during that summer after my first year of college came another shove. I had the privilege of making friends to two men like me that felt they could trust me with their secret. I was the first person they told that they were gay. That secret that was also my secret, but I just wasn’t brave enough to do so. One friend was there on campus working during the summer months after my freshman year, also known as one of the best years of my life, with me. One night he pulled me aside and asked me to go out for a walk with him as he had something to tell me. And I obliged wondering what he had to say.

We walked across the street and sat on the surprisingly cool steps of our university’s conference building and stared up at the stars, our favorite pastime. But Mick (I nickname all my close guy friends that, I don’t know why) was so quiet that night. And I sensed something was wrong. He turned to me with a tear falling down his face and said, “I don’t want you to hate me, Sly.” And my heart sank for him because I couldn’t take away his pain. I assured him for several minutes that he didn’t have to be afraid of him and that I will support him no matter what. And he said. I’m gay. And I said okay what else is there? And he smiled. Letting out a huge sigh of relief he started to cry tears. I’ll never forget this expression of ease and freedom that was so visibly etched on his face. And then I began to cry.

My heart felt like it was in my throat because I so desperately wanted to say “So am I, Mick” but I didn’t. And he asked what was wrong, holding my hand and more tears strewn down to the ground. The push was one of the most intense feelings I’ve ever felt. So torn on when to come out. I kept thinking would I take away from his moment or would this be a double celebration. Finally I recovered saying I’ll always be there for you and support you no matter what. This doesn’t change anything between us. And even though I meant those words they felt like cruel malicious lies because I was unable to say that I’m gay too and you’re not alone. We talked and laughed and when I went back to my room I cried until I fell asleep. The push, or this internal desire was not strong enough to do it. Or maybe I still felt alone.

The next shove was the most subtle and the most powerful. It has the scale and drama of those relentless romantic comedies I avoid religiously.  Because one of my last shoves was love. I had met a guy the very first day of college and I was in awe. He was lanky but still so statuesque. A business major with charisma that could woo the most uptight person into having a good time. He was smooth and I was in love. And even though neither of us was out at the time we were drawn to each other as if we knew each other’s secrets. A common trait of mine is to hide my greatest treasures away from everyone else in order to preserve them. Or maybe I’m just a little selfish.

We flirted off and on for years and came so close to something happening. But knew the moment either of us gave into our desires, we would have to share that secret about us. We weren’t willing to do that yet. We’d lose touch with each other then randomly find each other. But we still were unable to commit to announcing that we were both gay. Then during the summer before I started grad school I saw him randomly again. Before we had a chance to say hello we kissed. Impulsive and right in public. We hugged and talked as he asked me about when I finally had come out and I said I hadn’t yet. This changed the tone and he wanted to give us a real chance at something but only after I was out. But I still wasn’t out yet. And we hung out more and I felt the shove to embrace my sexuality more than anything because I wanted to be with him. He went on his way later that week and we kept in touch. I wasn’t fully ready but I was closer than ever.

And then a few months later my last shoves came. They weren’t sweet with hints of love even though I thought about my sexuality more than anything. They were dark and cold. The last shoves were death itself. I had been so stressed with school and grades I thought my appendix erupting was a simple flu virus. When I finally arrived at the hospital they had me prepped for surgery within 15 minutes because I was bleeding internally and were uncertain I would even survive the procedure. They said I should make a quick phone call to my parents and I did. This acceptance of being gay had consumed my thoughts so much that I ignored my own health. And as they rushed me to the operating room, O remember the bright fluorescent lights above me and I vowed that if I made it I would live as openly and authentically as possible.

Then news came of a college friend that had committed suicide because he was gay. Reading and hearing about it as I was healing from major surgery, I remember crying because I wasn’t just sad. I was livid. Because I felt that maybe if I were out sooner that he wouldn’t have felt so alone. I know that it’s not my fault, or at least convinced myself that I had no control over his actions. But I will always wonder had he been around more people that were completely out would it have changed the outcome and that I believe is true in anyone’s life.

So I had shoves in all states of my being. From the emotional, what felt like physical when confronted with how someone else’s truth was also my own and the spiritual side. Sometimes all at the same time, all shoving me to either come out or be alone forever. And I was terrified of both. You see there’s this push and pull. This shoving and stalling the entire time until you are full out. There is time of frustration and anger throughout. I felt even with all I knew and awareness I felt I possessed I still couldn’t own it yet. Even with my parents’ support I still hesitated for years in completely embracing my sexuality. Because that conflict, that pushing and shoving doesn’t end until we allow that process of understanding that we are different in one aspect than everyone else. Self-acceptance comes on its own time when you are willing to accept it. It took years for many of us. But thankfully that is changing for the better.

Again, I tell these stories because I feel we all need to share them. Because even though the newer generation of gay men and women have it better than us it still does not make that process any easier. But the way we make it easier is a result of them reading our stories and life lessons and insights so that maybe they avoid some of the things it took us years to learn. And for them to know that their feelings and emotions through this process is normal. Because it is about their development. So maybe they find more tears of joy than sadness. To know that they are not alone.

 

A Gay Man’s Perception Of Rejecting & Rejection

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Contributor’s Note: Another updated entry from my old blog. THIS IS NOT ADVICE. This is merely me sharing my experiences with you all. Enjoy!

Again I’m using my old college buddy as a point of reference since some of the stuff he says and does makes me continually laugh because it’s so asinine but he doesn’t mind. Plus if he keeps this up, I’ll be able to one day write a great biopic or sketch comedy. It’s money either way so I’m game. Anyway, he tells me about an old friend of his that he secretly has been pining for since they first met and since his latest snafu in the love department he finally summoned up enough courage to tell her how he felt. Unfortunately, while she appreciated the gesture, she did not return the feelings and wanted to keep the relationship as is. He was distraught, and after he had gotten used to it (and after asking all of our friends about it every 5 minutes) we talked about the rejection, both when it happens to us and when we have to reject the advances of others.

He has this mindset that the dreaded “friend zone” is the equivalent of being called an ugly troll that needs to take up residency at the most dank mossy bridge nearby. I get that no one wants to be rejected, but that is a bit drastic, even for him. He asked why it stung like this and was their differences with gay men compared to his experiences with women and honestly through our comparisons we couldn’t find any major differences. It hurts being rejected and it really REALLY sucks turning someone down with genuine feelings.

While he prefers to drink until he forgets her name, I of course have a different approach to when it happens with the guys I like and gently rejected by or vice versa. So over the years, this is what I’ve learned as a gay man managing these sometimes delicate relationships when aspirations are dashed. Keep in mind this isn’t advice for you to live by just my own observations that I’ve learned that you might find hilarious.

Love yourself. 
I can’t stress that enough. Usually when people write the observations about their life the put their strongest argument last to drive their point home but this was paramount to me. This to me will always be the most important thing I tell myself daily. The good, bad, sometimes ugly aspects of who I am I have to love completely. It seems like the first thing we do is degrade ourselves to the lowest living form on Earth when rejection happens. And I feel as gay men we do this so much more often because a lot of times we judge what we see. Try as much as you like to deny this, but to an extent everyone is vain. Admitting that I believe is the first step in ensuring that it’s not the ONLY thing that attracts you to someone is their looks. I’ve second guessed myself to the point that I didn’t like myself at times because despite my tall frame, I critique my body to what everyone else looks like too. I learned that loving my flaws first and foremost is one of the best things I could ever do for myself.

Laugh at the ridiculous situation. 
Really what can you do other laugh about it? The long winded awkward pauses whenever he says your name. The small “just because” surprises that you time out perfectly to make sure you don’t seem desperate or creepy. How you eagerly will agree with every single thing he says even though you don’t agree at all and then show a passionate albeit very recent love for anything and everything he likes. Even algae farming becomes sexy to you (how embarrassing and possibly unhygienic but he was sooo cute) just to be near him. How you lose all sense of direction and walk face first into a glass panel window (no comment). All of this so that he’ll make this great connection that’ll lead to some great romance. It’s funny and kind of cute so laugh at yourself. It was one of the fastest ways I was able to move on.

Learn from these situations 
Another great thing I learned about these encounters other than how painfully awkward I am when I like someone is to be honest with myself when I start feeling this way. No point in hiding how I feel as it’s bound to surface eventually. Of course I’m not talking about some small crush. I’m talking about real feelings of not being able to stop thinking about them. Wanting to spend time with them, wondering if my ass looks perfect the next time we see each other. And if these feeling surface at the beginning of our friendship to let him know. Learn that it’s okay to feel that way and it’s okay that he doesn’t feel the same way.

Don’t get mad at the friend for putting you because of rejection unless… 
Look it’s not their fault that they don’t have more amorous feelings of fires by log cabins, long walks on the beach or exchanging small trinkets of affection. Don’t take the actual frustration of the situation out on the person. Being rejected is not fun. And I learned not to lead that person on that you have to reject. No flirting with them, no accepting their gifts. No leading on whatsoever. But if they’re your friend, appreciate that friend and don’t turn a potential life long relationship into a badly made angsty after school program because of the situation. I learned there are exceptions however. I learned that if you feel like it would be too hard for you to let go of your attraction then let them go. No need to repeatedly show up at their bedroom window blasting some cliched 80s montage (they’ll probably call the cops too). The other reason brings me to the next self tip…

Don’t Dwell 
It’s hard enough when you have to deal with unrequited love and it’s even worse when you see the person frequently. Listen to all the emo music to release the pain. Hell screech out some Bjork if the rhythm moves you but you’ve got to stop staying in this mode of black walls with spray painted poetry. Leave that for the Laugh Factory or guilt trips the next time you need money from the parentals not an all day every day situation.

Have Fun 
Rent a movie, hang out with friends, do some Jager while doing karaoke, ponder why Dane Cook even has a career in comedy. Whatever it was that you enjoyed outside of these affections for this friend. The point is simple. Do the things you love and that love will return. Make the effort, fake it until you make it applies so much in this situation.

Rinse and Repeat
It’s not going to dissipate overnight (God I wish it did) and I learned that it wasn’t just one thing and everything was back to normal. Again, of course things most likely won’t be the same after you’ve said how much you like the guy. So I kept doing all of the things I listed over and over until it wasn’t routine, it was how I really felt. Content. Hopeful. Status Quo (my quirky way of saying normal). The greatest victories are the long fought ones and I wholeheartedly believe this.

Take note that this is my fun guide and what’s helped me navigate this awkward thing called dating in the gay world. All of these come from my own experience so when dealing with your own then make your own rules and boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable. Just wanted to share my unique and funny (well it is to me) perspective.

Born From Two Worlds But Welcomed In None? The Dichotomy of Homosexuality & Race

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Contributor’s Note: I had A LOT going on today fellow readers so today I am going to share the most personal article I ‘ve ever written. Also, this is VERY long. Please leave comments to discuss this more if you’d like. Enjoy!

To fully delve into this topic so that you can gain a perspective on the matter, what it’s really like for ethnic minorities in the gay community means sharing aspects, memories, and experiences that I rarely put so bluntly and raw. I try to be my witty self but some of this isn’t meant to cause a smirk or a chuckle. Truthfully, I can only speak for myself to provide a tiny view into an ever complex world. Also the where and why these ideals of intrinsic separation within both the African American and gay communities come from when you’re both gay and an ethnic minority. Also be patient as I do ramble.

Unfortunately I know all too well the negative reaction that Frank Ocean received when he came out. No it’s not only about sexuality here. Race plays a huge component as well. I’ve seen and experienced it first hand, though not anywhere near the degree of what he’s experiencing right now. Whenever the fact that I’m gay comes into play from this same mindset is hard, abrasive, and so cold. In some cases it can be more overt and derisive, mean-spirited, and flat out vitriol. But I do understand it. Contrary to popular belief, when homosexuality is brought up in the African American community it has the same reaction in any other community of ethnicity in the Western Hemisphere with varied reactions. This is by no means an admonishment that African Americans are more homophobic. That’s a lie. The reaction is from those that are homophobic as a way of protection for the community. Doesn’t make sense, does it? I’ll try to show you why I feel this way.

This happens in the gay community to ethnic minorities as well and it’s very covert, almost unrecognizable until mentioned when the color of one’s skin is seen as detrimental to the community. Even though gays are fighting now for equality this method of separation is also a defense mechanism as to those with these views, one more negative is seen as too much of a roadblock in the movement.  Both groups are ostracized for what they are and any other perceived negative characteristic that’s seen in the group his heavily criticized, mocked, even threatened because each community does not want any more negative associations. Basically being either gay or an ethnic minority is one thing, but being both draws too much attention to the fight for equality so some in the community turn on you. For instance, I was told during an LGBTQ rally several years ago to not march in front because it would be too “controversial” to the cause.

Quite honestly it shatters my heart every single time I search inside my collective memory and examine these feelings. I come to the realization of this deep yet unspoken divide when race and homosexuality is housed as a dichotomy. See, I’m from two very distinct and different worlds; the gay world and the black/African descent world. But at times I don’t feel welcomed in either and it hurts like hell. Who wants to be told that the biggest reason a guy is dating you is because it’s exotic or he wanted to “give black a try at least once” (this relationship didn’t last past that date and he was a horrible kisser). There’s division amongst each world and it’s disconcerting to say the least and it’s hard enough when you’re already faced with petty and superficial issues come in to play like skin and/or color being too light (yes this does exist) in the African American Community and being judged in the infrastructure of the gay community on every single physical flaw. But what do you do when you’re both gay and African American (actually I’m African American, Irish, Creole, Native American, Jamaican, and Israeli but you get the point) and feel ostracized by both communities when standing up for equal rights? When you are criticized and mocked from those you should feel comfort from, what do you say and how it makes you feel. Again, I can only speak of my own experience and I dare not view myself as an expert but maybe showing my perspective can get some good dialogue on the subject on what can be done.

The issues go even deeper than the aforementioned ones. When you’re at a club and the hottest guy there talks to you, flirts, laughs, even buys you a couple of drinks and then says “you’d be perfect if you weren’t black” (my straight friend wanted to break his face…in fact I had to throw myself against him and grapple against the bar to stop him from pulverizing him) to when hanging out with so called friends who are African Americans and being told you’re “whitewashed”, trying to assimilate, a sad Uncle Tom, or as a prank they try to throw bleach on you so that you’ll “blend with the white man” and all his “perversions”. These are amplified when you’re both. It’s blatant and believed to be law while you simply accept it. That is nor will it ever be who I am. When these relatively small yet life impacting events happened, I always wondered is it because I’m 6’4 180lbs I look like I can handle myself quite well in a fight that the frequency isn’t more. But from other stories that I’ve been told from other friend that are hybrids, or belonging to two worlds yet separated by some in those communities, show the more susceptible you appear to be the more often stories like these happen. Sadly, I have to carry this mindset around daily. These issues are deep and they have a history and why we still see them in our worlds today.

Take the discussion of human and civil rights in our country now. The LGBTQ and African American (as well as all ethnic minorities) recognize that discrimination still exists in our world and we fight our oppressors by being advocates. So what about those of us that are often seen as weird hybrid anomalies of both or multiple groups? More importantly, why aren’t these two groups working together? Am I biased because I belong to both? Of course I’m biased but that doesn’t negate my point. Both want equality so why not go for the tried and true proverbial strength in numbers? Here are my insights to this dichotomy.

WHY IT’S STILL THERE

This dichotomy reminds me of a discussion I had with two of my friends who were also African American as an undergrad in college. We were discussing the NAACP and what they as well as other groups were doing to stop discrimination and I brought up how there are similarities to the gay rights movement. One friend who is straight vehemently agreed with my point while the other became so frustrated he could barely speak. I asked why he was so upset and he responded that comparing the two was like making lite of the civil rights movement. Bewildered I made the argument that both are fighting for equal rights and I wasn’t trying to take anything from any one. He calmed down but needless to say he never discussed politics and social justice with me again. And since then I’ve often thought of what these two worlds I belong to could benefit and successfully help achieve equality for all. But in order to do so, this argument needs to be addressed so that progress is made.

The biggest argument my friend made of why these two groups can’t find commonality in our fight for equality which doesn’t make any sense but I heard him out. His view was that some African Americans feel when gay rights are compared to civil rights movement is that race/ethnicity is more identifiable. In other words, you can always see my skin color but you may not be so easy to identify my sexuality. There’s no gay dress code or easy way to completely identify someone as gay unless we say so or put it on a t-shirt. In terms of race, we as humans use categorization, a term used in psychology that is rooted in the philosophy of Aristotle, which is as humans; we immediately compare and contrast ourselves with everyone around us. Historically, we do this instinctively for recognition, familial purposes, and defense mechanisms. It makes it easier for the brain as it always is processing information.  It’s problematic when phenomena such as ethnocentrisms come into play. This results in human groups using differences to oppress other groups. So it’s believed that many African Americans feel because of these categorizations potential discrimination and acts of violence can be avoided for the LGBTQ community which isn’t an option for most African Americans simply because of skin color.

This gave me further insight of why there’s so much hostility towards a gay man from those that are homophobic in the African American community. Any visibility that adds any further hurdles are seen as threats from some in the community and in a sense is a defense mechanism to protect the community as a whole. May sound farfetched, but look at it from my viewpoint. Is the argument going to be about gays or blacks? Is this going to impose danger on my family? The notion of it being because the African American community is seen as more religious (also a defense mechanism) is false. That reaction you’re seeing now on twitter and other social media sites from those very verbal homophobes is fear that it will affect the entire community. This is where the ‘one up’ syndrome comes into play. The struggles are deeper than yours, which matter in context, but not in practice. We want equal treatment and rights. That should be our focus.

My history, our histories of oppression from laws like the Grandfather Clause and Jim Crow laws 3/5 Compromises, to Stonewall, DOMA, Marches on Washington, EDNA, and all the ridicule, persecution, torture, and death in between carry so much weight with how we continue to fight for equal rights for the LGBTQ and all ethnic minority communities. Despite the strong similarities there are differences. There is still malpractice when it comes to preventing ethnic minority groups from voting today because of race not so much for sexuality. Also racism is also still reflected in education, socioeconomic status whereas these differences aren’t seen in the LGBTQ community. And I have only scratched the surface of our histories as it belongs to all of us. While both communities have seen progress the prevalent issues result in marginalizing each other’s past. I understood this point of view to an extent. Even though my skin color varies because of my rich ancestral background, you will always be able to identify that I’m not “100% Caucasian” (really who the hell is 100% anything other than human?)

WHERE IT BEGAN

The Civil Rights Movement began with the Suffragette Movement here in America. Equal voting rights of women were fought for and members were encouraged, and notably both men and women joined the fight for equality.  Men and women fought together for equality even though this issue affected women. The movement later was coined to the fight for equal rights of African Americans in America during the apex of legislation changes in the 50s and 60s. And this brought all races and backgrounds for equal rights. These examples of dichotomous entities working together for a common goal are not seen in the aforementioned communities that this examination of my psyche is focusing on. The ideology is ‘masking” that is when confronted with a situation where race or sexual orientation is targeted for hateful or malicious practices, that someone from the LGBTQ community is able to mask or blend in when faced with these situations. And it is believed for the most part African Americans, as well as other people of color are unable to do so. I wonder if there is an unspoken animosity because of masking. Again, I don’t know because I’m a hybrid, and therefore am able to answer definitively but this is what I believe led to these defense mechanisms and this over reaction that I talked about earlier in regards to Frank Ocean.

Recently I discussed my heated debate in college with a fellow gay rights advocate. While discussing her desire to marry her partner, I brought up the earlier argument a few years ago I had in college. I was surprised by the counterargument she made which was in the LGBTQ community, that there is belief that African Americans and other racial minorities in America are not told who they can and cannot marry, unless of course a hybrid like me that is an LGBTQ person themselves and as a result not able to help bring forth equality for us LGBTQ. That a straight African American can marry any other (straight) adult they want and not openly discriminated against without swift action both morally and legally compared to discrimination and violence. Those of us that are LGBTQ can be mocked, teased, and bullied openly most often times with praise rather than condemnation from society and only when there’s public outcry is it more likely to see justice and prevention from our government. She had a valid point in which I agreed. However when I asked her again if she saw the similarities, she said no and felt that discrimination for African Americans was over (side note, this is NOT true). And so again the ‘one up’ syndrome has gotten in the way once again of progress. These differences are important and do need recognition but not at the expense of true equality.

I saw her point but it feels unfair to say one group struggles are virtually over while the other is facing an uphill battle and by far the argument that infuriates me the most. The “who’s had it worse” argument. Does it really matter? Of course our collective struggles matter but this mentality stagnates us. We both want equality right? We have to observe history to not repeat it but this is NOT a contest. And she too, no longer discusses this area of politics with me (which made me wonder do I have this effect on people? But I digress).

Does the degree of one equality matter? I kept thinking “Is this a thing that can be measured and actively used by both communities?” and continues to be a prevalent thought on my mind. But can you see the symmetry of sorts? African Americans are judged immediately by appearance due to skin color while LGBTQ are prevented from marriage, jobs, and in most states denied equal rights. Both immoral. Both unethical. And BOTH definitely unconstitutional.  Both discriminated and oppressed yet neither reach out to achieve the same goal of equality. Yet still why are these issues dividing instead of unifying?

WHERE WE NEED TO GO

With the need to either systematically discriminate by ostracizing perceived threats by a loud few or one up each other’s suffering as a community left me with my biggest question: Is my homosexuality in competition with my race for true equality and abolishment from discrimination from both communities? It’s vital to focus on the intent and desired goals and keeping the history in context and not open ended integration and that is the only significant difference are events but not purpose. So those differences don’t mean better or worse, it just means different. That’s the message that the LGBTQ leaders and ethnic minority leaders like the NAACP activists need to convey in their messages. That one group isn’t trying to diminish or make light of each other’s history. So I or anyone else don’t have to worry about which societal worlds I am from but rather be a part of one world, where everyone is welcome.

I am so glad I was raised with such a high resolve and deep compassion within my heart as these things would’ve broken me otherwise. These things still do get to me as evidenced by my repeated editory rambles and frequent stops to let out a quiet cry. The solution is within us. I know it is. We don’t have to one up another group to elevate ourselves to victory or knock others down to ascend to equality. And ostracize members of our own group simply because they belong to another. We’re better than that. We have to stop holding each other back and hold each other up in which I’ll leave you with this:

“When born of two worlds but welcomed to none I will gather strength from flexible deep rooted branches strong enough to build bridges for everyone”.