Opinions and Rants

Are You A Gold Star Gay?

Do you ever just sit back and laugh at some of the ridiculous things we call ourselves? How, for some reason we have this incessant need to define and categorize every single thing we say and do? Maybe it’s just me but I do this..but that may also be due to the fact that it doesn’t take me much to laugh and try my damnedest to stay in a constant state of zen. Which brings me to today’s topic; do you know what a “gold gay” is and if so, are you one?

A gold gay is typically defined in our community as a gay man that never had a period of time being with a woman (romantically, sexually, horizontally, etc.,.) Now I try very hard to stay on top of the lingo and latest sayings because often I don’t have the privilege to be in heavily gay populated areas but this one caught me off guard when someone asked me this last year.

It was at a doctor’s appointment and this guy, who I must say was absolutely beautiful, struck up a conversation. And of course we did the  “20 ambiguous questions you ask to see if someone you like is gay” before we delved any deeper into the conversation. It was all platonic (unfortunately)  and since the wait was so long it went in further detail.

As this Adonis began to quiet down from laughing at a horrible joke I told he said “you didn’t strike me as a gold gay” I didn’t know how to respond because I didn’t know what that meant, and all I could do was keep internally questioning what my next move should be (even though I probably didn’t have a chance in hell with this guy but I was still going to try) so I made the WORST facial expression I’ve ever made. And then after the sheer embarrassment I asked what it meant. Then I went into my whole spiel, similar to this article about useless definitions, and the conversation kinda stopped there.

It wan’t shame because I in fact am not a gold gay, but simply because I didn’t know what the term meant. And after a while, as I always do, I wanted to know if I wasn’t deserving of gold star status, do I get a silver star? I mean more often than not, you’ll find that most gay men have been with a woman and it’s for various reasons so I dare not speculate why this happens with us. It could be to fit in with society or because of genuine attraction so it varies.

I will note that the term gold gay seems to be used more with the younger adult spectrum of our community. Because being gay is more accepted and there was no need to hide who they are and felt at more liberty to fully express that than those of us that grew up in the 90s or earlier. That’s why I don’t think it’s an elitist term to shame the rest of us. We should feel pride for those that have been able to be out from the beginning because to me that symbolizes progress of acceptance in our society.

My point, and I use the term point loosely, is that sometimes with the various labels we give ourselves like, twink, bear, otter, furry, wolf, packers, tops, power bottoms, verse, leather daddy, bondage buddies, skimslims, sweet panther, gingermanspice (my favorite) gold star gay or any of the other hundreds of made up terms are just for fun. Sometimes, if you look expansively enough, these names show the great diversity that resides within our community. They have no malicious connotation whatsoever and are merely to admire and give attention to. However if someone is ever bothered by them, respect that and they don’t have to give you their reasons why. Just respect that.


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11 thoughts on “Are You A Gold Star Gay?”

  1. I guess I am a gold star gay. I never knew there was a name for it. I have always joked that I am technically a virgin since I have never been with a women. I like god star gay. Sounds good.

    1. This was posted and I agree with Bob one thousand percent. Being a Gold Star Gay or Gold Star Lesbian does not make one better but it is helpful to know what they want for sure. I have heard the same comment from gay guys and lesbian girls, they feel blessed to have been true to themselves. Many straight people will try to convince you to try intercourse. Well should they have to try gay or lesbian sex? I am middle age, but look younger, as gay guys usually do. I used to think I will get married to a lady and then I will do it. I have dated some a long time. It really helped when the girl was a virgin and wanted to stay that way. Oral and other stuff was great, but absolutely no intercourse was the agreement.. But I am very glad for me purposely that I never had coitus (intercourse with a woman.) and I have no desire for it and did think I did before but I have no desire for that now. Gold stars have a type of innocence.. I remember reading Dear Abby advice to a reader who was lesbian. Abby told her she was still a virgin technically. One can be sexually experienced but have not had coitus and thus still be a virgin. Many straight people do every thing but intercourse and say they are virgins. Gold stars gays and lesbians are sexually experienced but blessed to be virgins. At one time celibate meant not married and not having intercourse. At that time here were more than enough Catholic clergy. Buddhists admire gold star gays and lesbian clergy. It is about not having to accumulate a lot of material possessions, which is a goal with a hetero married couple. Throughout the ages gays and lesbians have often helped with spiritual matters. And they help their siblings with raising children. Gold stars help keep the population in control. Now that gays and lesbians can adopt or use artificial insemination, on can actively plan for a child.

      This was in response to the message below:
      Bob in Chicago

      November 28, 2012 at 6:47 pm

      I guess I am a gold star gay. I never knew there was a name for it. I have always joked that I am technically a virgin since I have never been with a women. I like god star gay. Sounds good.


      1. I’m sorry… but when I read “Gold stars have a type of innocence..”, I almost fell out of bed from laughter, because i am one… but I’m as innocent as the sheets of a brothel

        1. Innocent in the sense of just doing male/male sex. That is not so serious and headache ridden as straight sex, judging from my straight friends. They are always up and women make them that way.

    1. Technically one is a virgin if they never had coitus . You can be sexually experienced but still be a virgin. Straight people say they are virgins and are holding out for marriage for coitus but do everything else. Gold stars are not better, just blessed to achieve a personal goal of never having coitus. Straight people are not required to try gay sex to know they do not want it.. I know so many gay and lesbian people dated and petted with the opposite sex but firmly drew the line with no coitus. And that was one reason they knew strongly that they were gay or lesbian. They feel blessed. They do not think they are better. They do feel blessed about being sexually experience but holding on to their virginity. Understandably they get real upset if someone tries to take their virginity.

  2. I was watching Andy Cohen and Melissa Etheridge was on his show. They were talking about Gold Star Gay’s and I was not familiar with the term, so I googled it and found your page. I wasn’t expecting such an enlightened being who not only answered the questioned but impressed me with such an in depth open hearted response to how we label ourselves. I am not referring to being gay or straight but to you as a “being”. I love how you express yourself and views on life. I just wanted to take a moment to say, “thank you for being you” and thank you for posting your views online. Btw, I saw your picture and that combined with who you ARE, you would have had a “chance” with the guy you wrote about. Don’t sell yourself short, buddy. You have a lot to offer….

  3. I’m A Gold Star Gay But am in my mid 30’s, I have never even had any female friends tottally attracted to men, some girl did try to come on to me once and i tottally ignored all her advances, I dont consider myself a virgin as in the kingley scale i consider myself totally gay and not attracted to any females so would never want to do anything with them,

    I Grew up in the 80’s as a kid 90’s as a teenager, I never really pretended to be straight other then in words, no one ever really picked on me for being gay or suspicion and luckily i was the biggest kid in my school year so they wouldnt dare also i was a joker and very popular which also helped i guess…

    I sometimes feel my life is a failure but the one thing i do think to myself is being gay is the best thing about me, I love being gay always knew even when i was 8 years old i recall dreaming about other boys from school, when i was young i was always smiling so got the nickname of the smiler, so always been happy never depressed very lucky and unusual in that as well,

    So Gold Star Gays in their 30’s are about also
    I Never wish to change this 100% Gay

  4. I’m gold star gay but grew up in the 90s so it’s not just the younger guys, I was always very strong willed always only did what I wanted to and am only attracted to guys so why would I ever attempt a relationship with the opposite sex never did never will

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