Tag Archives: racism in the gay community

How Sports Can Teach A Gay Man (And Everyone Else) About Relationships

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How often do you think about what attracts you to another person? Better yet does what attract you to someone affect how you treat others? What about how you view people that have relationships with different groups? These are questions I ask and write about a lot because I feel that once we truly understand what these questions mean along with all that encompasses them the closer we are to being able to truly have meaningful dialogue in recognizing if there are issues involving a prejudice towards a group of people.

It’s a mouthful while also being the opening to a very long-winded rant that involves being gay, being an African American and loving football but they all seem to relate to each other in my rambling thoughts. And I’ll try to show how sports are a lot like life in how we communicate with each other in our relationships. Improve your skills by playing at 918kiss the best online casino games.

You see the reason I’m on this topic again is because today, while watching the Titans game, I received a message from a so called friend who just casually wanted to chat and catch up (aka gossip). This guy loves to talk about who’s hot and who he’d like to date (and hell I love doing that too) but the Titans are my home team that I root for even when their defensive line is abysmal and offense is all over the place. So I wanted to watch (also scream at my TV when they’re doing great or awful or both) without any distractions.

But my friend is persistent and somewhat of an inquisitor of the human condition (or maybe I’m a pushover). Anyway, I yield on watching the game to focus on what he’s saying. He then asks why I don’t like black men (…what). Naturally the question both confused and angered me at the same time because for one it was random and came completely out of left field and secondly because I always know how conversations like this go. Someone will say something completely untrue and downright dumb followed by me very bluntly stating that their opinion is not only false but also dated.

They will then quickly try to recover by providing some “empirical evidence” to support their lofty opinion. But I will then proceed to pass over any reductive laundry list of examples to addressing why the question itself is out of bounds leaving them stumped and angry because they realize that the way they asked the question was insensitive and more than likely prejudiced.

And wouldn’t you know it the situation went exactly like I predicted it would. He went on saying that it bothers him when people don’t date their own race while I pointed out that sounds like his problem not mine. But I couldn’t leave it there and had to expand on it and figure out what this dated opinion came from so I asked for clarification.

He couldn’t think of a way to explain his point without making it sound worse so he then talked about tastes are innate also leading him to the conclusion that sexuality is concrete with no fluidity meaning he believes there’s no such thing as bisexual men. So he choose to go all in on his ridiculous small minded opinions.

If you follow football, or rather any sport, this conversation and ones like this are a lot like the game. Two opponents standing their ground making large plays to score points and win. Either opponent can fumble the ball (or the point they were trying to make). Either opponent can intercept the ball (conversation) to score another point (in support of their opinion). The time runs out and the person who’s made enough right points wins the game (argument/debate).

So at this point of the conversation it should be enough when I say that you know what? Even though the majority of men I’ve dated have been Caucasian that I’ve not only attracted to but have also had romantic relationships with every race and a diverse amount of a different ethnicity. That yes I am aware of race and color and ethnicity and aware of the differences and while I acknowledge those differences it does not inhibit arousal or sexual attraction.

But it doesn’t. Saying that will only add to his warped way of thinking.  My explanations or reasoning would only exacerbate whatever closed minded opinion someone else is voicing while making me doubt how aware I am of these cultural aspects when dating.

If I had brought up how at one time I was foolish enough to believe that the societal norms, including sticking to your race, did not extend to the gay community when in fact in some settings it is amplified. Maybe that is due to not wanting to stick out more in society by engaging in an interracial relationship on top of a gay relationship. In my experience this is more true here in the south.

And some may say the same can be said about acceptance of the gay community by the African American community but that too is subjective. Fair points but in this setting it would’ve come off as trying to give all the responsibility on society when ultimately that decision will always be mine and mine alone, no matter the lifetime of influences.

Why do we even care that they have an opinion on who we should do/be/say/date/have sex with/love/marry could’ve been another point to win this argument. I could have expanded on how sexuality is a breathing changing entity of our being and as our tastes change so may how we define our sexual identity. Yet talking about it will always seem like defensive bitterness and frustration. And it is that, but not for the reasons some may think.

Because it’s not for your pity. Never for that so you can keep it or throw it away or better yet not pity people because its degrading and treats someone like they’re subhuman. But it’s important because we do need to know how and why people are drawn to each other. It helps us in a very delicate, subtle way understand where our negative beliefs began. While we are not initially hate and attraction are innate how we perceive them is learned. But bring that up still would not have proven my point. 

Do you see now how conversations like this become a game? You on defense trying to make as many points to defend your opinion and your pride before the conversation ends. There’s interruptions (interceptions), Hell sometimes there’s even snarling. The only thing that really sets it apart is that there’s no gentle slap on the ass at the end.

The only time you should be concerned with who someone dates or what their dating preferences are is when they stereotype or categorize an entire group and completely exclude them from based on that backwards opinion. Like Grindr profiles that have “no chicken (people of African Decent) rice (Asian) but spice (Hispanic nonblack) is alright”. Those are the “it’s just a preference” people you should direct these conversations towards. I am not one of those people. But again that would give a point to him because it would appear that I may subconsciously do the same thing as the inept men that have racist dating profiles.

The whole conversation made me defensive as it always does because I never want to be made to feel like I have some quota to fill and should have to seek out other gay African American man in order for it to “look right”. And I don’t want anyone questioning the legitimacy of bisexuality. But either consciously or subconsciously that’ll be what runs through people’s mind for a split second when they don’t understand. That logic would mean that I question whether the next time I’m attracted to another African American man is that guilt or actual physical arousal.

This should be entertaining to the outside observer and the victor afterwards but conversations like this don’t turn out that way. It’s life. Because even though I won the argument I don’t feel like a winner. Especially when this exhausting exercise in logic always leaves you feeling on guard for the decisions you make solely based on your race or sexuality or both. Then you hopefully reach the moment of asking yourself why the opinions of others matter in what a person sees in a race or sexual orientation.

In the end I didn’t use the points that I knew both from experience and studying human behavior meant that instead of answering a question we have to ask more questions. Ask why it feels right to you when two people of the same race are together and uneasy when it’s two different races together. Ask yourself why you need to define what someone else’s sexuality is for them and why that bothers you when it’s different from your beliefs.

My point is that it’s circular and reductive and repetitive and you will again have to go out on the field and be ready to defend your position every single time you’re challenged if you go into conversations like this with that mindset. And the thought of having to repeat the same plays can at times be daunting leading up to confusion and doubt and uncertainty that anything was accomplished at all.

All puns intended when we take on this dynamic in discussing race or sexuality it sets up an us vs them mentality rather than exploring why some have these inaccurate convoluted beliefs. And even when they are right in questioning a person exhibiting self hating tendencies or homophobia (ie not dating one’s own race or trying to define someone else’s sexuality) we have to ask what lead them to see this and open the dialogue even more.

So sports can often reflect the strategies we partake in when we have these types of conversations.  Like how some people need to fight in a relationship to prove they’re right just for the sake of argument because it gives them power rather than actually having a legitimate point. Now while I’m not saying life is a game but the way that we interact and choose to have these conversations do take on these dynamics.

Even though this form of communication is the way we are taught to settle debates it is not the way we should be discussing race or sexuality. We need to examine where these questions come from before answering them because when people have questions like my friend that is where he’ll find the answers.

And next time, let me enjoy the damn game in peace.

When Are We Going To Reach Out To Each Other To Stop The Violence and Oppression

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These truly are trying times for our society where we have to ask what we are doing wrong. Why are the issues of racism, homophobia and sexism still plaguing our society? Why are the freedoms, rights, and protections that many have fought and died for in generations’ past being circumvented by those proclaiming God’s Law into the laws of man? Why do we have to fear for the safety of our children now, with more awareness and social consciousness, than any other generation before us while protections against discrimination are being ripped away? Why are women beginning to lose complete, autonomous control of what they can or cannot do with their bodies? Why are minorities still facing so much adversity?

The truth is that those issues never left us, rather they are momentarily placed in our periphery until we are forced to see what our extremists, or ignorance, or complacency has brought upon us.  You see, the questions are never easy to say out loud while admitting the complexity to the answers because doing so leaves us with even more confusion than before. A quick look at the highly biased media is a testament of the roller coaster for the past several months and what it means to be a minority in this country.

Our very existence has been the epicenter for challenging the opinion of social constructs, political reform and change. The lows have been painful and the highs brief because it shows how much more work needs to be done. But the worst part of all of this is when adversity, animosity and sometimes violence that is being directed at us, those of us that understand the plight because it so often mirrors the same struggle, is never held prolonged attention to the other groups. In other words we don’t help each other out.

We are fragmented. We see each other during moments of great pain but don’t take the active steps to ease the pain. Possibly even prevent them. Why? Because one group feels like even though they understand our pain that they don’t truly know it. Or that by that associating with that group will make them look worse. Or complacency. Or apathy. Or who knows what else.

So much debate is also centered on how we are not listening to each other. What’s in place is awkward statements, tension then resentment.  We should be united and feel united not like forced coworkers we exchange pleasantries to keep up appearances. Kind words are wonderful in times of great pain, confusion and doubt. At least they are for the short term. But what happens months later is a fleeting memory because we as a society have adapted the mentality where we will discard anything we feel does not directly affect us. Then this cycle of no progress continues. But we cannot allow it to continue this way.

As a gay African American man I do not always feel completely welcomed in the two groups I belong to. Maybe that is some latent insecurity of mine that I haven’t dealt with that bubbles up to the surface. Or maybe it is because I see the dissension between these two groups. Maybe it’s because of the numerous times one or both has confronted me about the other part of me they are unable to fully accept because of preconceived notions. I know it’s not just me that experiences the same sensation.

And when people like me witness tragedies that affect one group the most being ignored and cast aside it makes me extremely frustrated and sad. It makes me think of how much more progress would be made if these groups united together under the same cause. That I am constantly hoping that these groups will see the vested interests they share more rather than the differences. That all these groups will come together work together while supporting each other.

Just because we belong to a marginalized group does not mean we cannot not hold the same prejudices towards another minority. We cannot afford to be only for “us” anymore. We have to be for everyone.

For instance today a letter recognizing the travesty in our judicial system that denied Trayvon Martin and his family the justice they deserved this weekend was sent as a means of comfort. Will any efforts to prevent further travesties be made by the core LGBT groups like how to prevent things like this from ever happening again or will it be forgotten?

When will HRC and GLAAD and other Gay Inc. organizations realize that marriage equality is not the only focus that this community needs? When will they notice that there are people of color that are targeted in the same manner Trayvon was which led to his murder. That more comprehensive attention needs to be focused on the members of this community that feel like they have no voice at all because both sides continue to believe the other will take up the slack?

Same goes for the African American community leaders like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. When will the NAACP take steps to be truly inclusive of all its brothers and sisters that feel left out because our needs as queer men and women are far too often ignored? How many more cases like Mark Carson or Marco McMillian are going to happen before they acknowledge that there are people of color being left behind? Are they willing to see the bias that exists within the organization? Is it fear or willful ignorance that I feel like barely a mention was given to either of these men in a time where being of two minorities makes some of us even more 0f a target for hate, discrimination, and violence.

The story of Carlos Vigil is a prime example of the need for unity. This teen felt so lost because of the pain and shame that was being placed upon him that he felt he had no other reprieve than to take his own life. Were there other factors that contributed to his untimely passing like that of his ethnicity or race? Sadly we will never know the answer but why ever leave something like that to chance? It is our responsibility as activists and advocates to stop assuming and reach out whenever we see someone struggle, whether they belong to our community or not because they are all a part of community.

So where do we start? We need to look at various organizations that are fighting for equal rights. I’ve written several times about the intersectionality that exist within our society that makes so many feel left out because they are being left out, cast aside, or sadly forgotten. This dichotomous existence, an intersection of self where one’s cultures conflict or are apathetic to each other. It’s like a family where we see two parents fighting in front of their child then looking for them to pick a side. It makes coming out harder because you feel like no one will listen to what problems you face by other members of either community.

This is not limited to LGBT people of color. It goes with gender, class, age, education, and many other demographics work within this paradigm. It is a demanding emotional exercise to constantly feel you have to reconcile aspects of yourself that within yourself work so well but to the rest of the world doesn’t fit. Ignoring it by the leaders of these groups only make it worse.

We see that lesson in the interview given by Juror B37 of Trayvon’s case as a prime example of what willful ignorance looks like and what happens afterward. All the while she describing why a she sided with a murderer rather than a child, her rhetoric was nothing but it’s not our problem, its theirs”. She so easily believed that the issues we have faced in the past like racism have already been dealt with when in reality they still plague our society. Since she believed it didn’t directly affect her that she only focused on the person she related to, the murderer.

Another example is the controversy surrounding the Cheerios commercial of an interracial couple and their daughter that was subsequently followed by the torrents of racism after it aired. Then we see children being interviewed about the controversy and then are grateful to hear they are fine with the notion of races mixing. It’s heartwarming and innocent. But it is also a part of the problem. We assume all will be well even from not knowing if the sample of children that participated in this feel good antidote was demographically diverse. Because if they were all from big northern metropolitan cities like New York, they aren’t a true representation because there are children in the south that certainly would have already been taught to hate differences.

What I’m saying is that our society too often is willing to blindly accept anything that helps them escape the truth. And even though we should be concerned with how our views affect the future, we need to be just as focused on the adults who have the power now. The ones that are on varying levels teaching hate. This is an example of us not dealing with what is right in front of us. It makes us complacent and more willing to accept more of the same.

Well I’m sorry but I have had enough of that formula. There is too much frustration and hurt that means we have to make analogies or be crass in order for you to hear our collective voices when we tell each other we all have a component the other side(s) need. How many more times will we keep ignoring each other instead of taking formal steps to build the nonexistent bridges?

I do not want these layers of prejudice and hate and ignorance and apathy and division we quietly accept in this country to pass on to another generation. I do not want our generation to continue the same traditions of fear based either in faith or bigotry that we encourage by not openly discussing our differences to bring forth understanding. And I don’t want us to continue the dialogue where we are too rigid in our mindset or beliefs that we are bot at least willing to see and hear a viewpoint different than our own.

There are a lot of families in pain right now. We need to ensure that no other family has to go through it.

 

You Will Not Make Me Choose Between My Race And My Homosexuality

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Like many people looking to advance equality I too was frustrated with the events of Illinois’ leaders not having enough votes to pass a resolution allowing same sex couples to marry. I’ve expressed before how it felt that the members of the House seemed to be tiptoeing around the situation instead of making a huge commotion of it. At one point it appeared that no one was making any efforts to advance the bill. But that’s not fair because we don’t always hear what goes on behind the scenes and with the reaction of State Rep Harris when he addressed the floor, I feel that even with the outcome he put all the effort he had into making this amendment happen. I can’t fault a man with that much passion and heart for a worthy cause.

But all the same I wish the democratic leaders would have taken a more blunt, in your face approach to this bill. Seems like the more vocal people are, no matter how valid or invalid their position, are heard and given a greater platform to express their views.

As always when something goes awry we look to those that are in some part responsible for our failure. Our failure. All of us. More on that later. But back to my point, the first people that were addressed for being responsible for the bill’s failure was the Black Caucus, who are believed to have been targeted by the guilt machine known as the religious right that were no doubt telling them if gays marry it will be the downfall of society and will lead to bestiality and destruction of families. You know the usual.

I understood the frustration people felt after the announcement that the bill didn’t have enough votes but the way I witnessed people, specifically gay men go after the Black Caucus angered me as well. Because it went from talking about equal rights to name calling. Racial epithets abound in situations like this. The N-Word was used freely and was justified because the Black Caucus was seen as the blame for all the inequity we face as an LGBT community. And there’s a complete disregard, even dismissal of the people that actually created the law in the first place. It becomes about people focusing on only one facet of the complete equation.

Then I find myself in this place. A place where again, like two parents having an ill-timed inappropriate all-out fight in front of their children; I’m made to feel as though I have to pick a side between my race and sexuality. Both are a part of me that I love. Both are aspects to who I am that I had to accept not everyone else would love. That some would openly hate, ridicule, even threaten, but I still choose to love. But they’re glaring at me and wanting me to say who’s right and who’s wrong and I’m sick of it.

I can’t tell you how many times that both communities have made me feel this way and that I have to stand on only one side. Riding the fence is seen as an act of open betrayal against them both and you want to have the best of both world. Well, who doesn’t? Being on this fence means I can point out what I feel each of them is doing wrong. Because that’s what happens when an argument begins with these two groups. Respect turns into animosity and name calling.

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way that are from these two groups. Know I’m not the only one that is made to feel like one is preventing the other from being happy. Because we don’t really talk about the issues in depth other than making a sweeping generalization of a problem that we are ALL are contributing to and also responsible in rectifying. I’ve written about why and where I believe it come from but sometimes it’s hard to describe the feeling other than comparing it to two angry parents fighting with each other.

It’s an odd position to be placed in as a gay African American because I see where both sides stop listening and start accusing. Where two groups that probably share the most commonality of any other groups in our society seem to be at odds. An uneasy association between them that each fails to realize.

Some may say that I’m making this about race or playing this mythical (and completely unreal) race card. But remember this, that for some people, even to this day in 2013, just as it may almost always be about your sexuality, it also is almost always about race. There are still places in our country where you cannot be alone as an African American at night. Targeted because of your skin. It’s insulting to think that some believe that all the varying, intricate degrees of racism that still exist in this country is made up.

It’s not just race that this community seems to have a problem in communicating with. Gender issues are just as prevalent. We complain about when gay men use the terms masc or no femmes or straight acting but we don’t do a real examination this behavior is so prevalent. But how can we complain when our leaders only represent one spectrum of our rainbow. If we ourselves show how diversified this community is, then some of the ideals we don’t like can be addresses more. How are other members going to see where we’re going wrong with assimilating to heteronormative practices when our leaders are comprised of the very thing we admonish. This sameness does not speak to everyone in this community. We don’t try to see the correlation of it being about having unresolved issues and how we can change it. We just complain and then sadly, accept.

Our leaders are almost carbon copies of each other. Not in personality or method. But on the level of appearing the same. Caucasian men with no differentiation. It’s sad that I feel like I have to say it and even sadder that I feel that by saying it some people reading this will make me bringing it up about exclusion or singling these leaders out rather than seeing it as me wanting to be inclusive. By pointing out what I see is problematic is in hopes that it will encourage these leaders to seek out different perspectives within this community than what they are accustomed.

Because it shouldn’t take me more than 10 seconds to think of a Lesbian LGBT leader. Or a transgendered LGBT leader. Bisexual LGBT leader. African American LGBT leader. Hispanic or Disabled or Asian LGBT leader. We need to bring a more diverse yet unified group of people into the forefront because if we are going to reach people like the Black Caucus they need to see there are people like them in this community too. So we need to be more aware that not everyone’s reality is the same as ours in this community because sometimes even we forget that.

As for some the African American community leaders that seem stagnate and unmoving to see how not standing up for LGBT rights is hypocrisy: We have literally been spit on, literally been dragged through the mud, literally beaten to death and called animals and it is time that you stop looking towards the heavens (and your pockets) from these religious zealots that have completely contorted and misconstrued God’s Word for answers that are already right here looking at you. Do you have the right to be angry when someone says “gay is the new black”? yes you do because black has not finished being black. We still face so much prejudice in this country. But we have to be willing to see some of the commonality of this between racial struggle and claiming of sexual orientation.

I have always felt that a part of some African American leaders’ hesitation on advancing the civil rights of the LGBT community is fear of association. Because with as much advancement that we have seen in relation to equality when it comes to race, those memories of blatant discrimination is still fresh. We can remember those first moments of knowing that you will always be made aware of your race and by supporting another group would only disrupt the very delicate membrane of rights it took centuries for us to establish. It’s fear. Understandably fear, but still not good enough reason to oppose the human rights of another.

Many of us have family members alive to tell us stories of our people being treated like dogs while having hoses and dogs used against them. To times where we were told we have no souls and therefore no way to get into heaven. That we aren’t even fully human, just 3/5th. If we are remembering our ancestry and the past we have to remember how prejudice in any way against another human being is not the love the messiah would show to others. We see parallels of the same in the LGBT community almost weekly of being beaten, harassed, even killed and that should incite something within all of us. That oppression falls and equality always prevails. And just like those gay leaders, remember to be aware that not every oppressed group’s reality is the same as yours.

This is not how you reach people. You don’t add validity to your argument when show prejudice and discrimination. And this isn’t the first time that this happened. With how much we know about discrimination we sometimes forget how that also applies to our own behavior as well. The problem is that each group feels like they understand each other but they truly don’t and simply talk at each other rather than to each other. My words are harsh and cold but my intent will always be love. Always, always love.  But this is how I feel.

It angers me, frustrates me, even brings me to tears when I think of how there is so much angst between these two groups that are at times unwilling to see each other’s similarities. And just like the child that eventually becomes an adult and tells their parents they can no longer place them in the middle of their argument, you will not make me choose between them. You will not make me choose a side and call the other wrong when it is BOTH of you that are at fault. You will not make me claim one side of my full, actualized identity while ignoring the other. You will not make me feel guilty for embracing and loving you both. So when both sides are truly ready to listen, that is when things will change. For the better.

And as always I promise to love you both while pointing out what you’re doing wrong because while I’m a part of you both I am my own entity that because of this blend of nature can see where you went wrong. Reconciling being of two natures should not be made harder by the very thing that created it.Sometimes the way each of these communities conduct themselves make people like me who belong to both of them feel like they have to choose and we have to be aware of when we do and stop it.  Because we are all better than that.