‘She’s (Ginny Thomas is) an independent, adult woman, it just seems a little strange to me all of these calls for her husband to be what, like, minding her better? Frankly, I think it’s kind of misogynistic. ‘She’s a private individual. He’s a justice on the US Supreme Court, but I think this idea that he is somehow automatically responsible for everything he says – what does that mean? Does she have to get his permission?’
Sugar tits Hawley (see pic below) must have skipped the ethics course at law school. Judges should recuse if there is even the appearance of a conflict of interest, which there obviously is in this case. The purpose is to encourage public confidence in the integrity of the courts.
Republican U.S. Senate candidate for Missouri Courtland Sykes blasted “women’s rights” this week. In a statement posted to Facebook on Tuesday, Sykes said that he had been asked if he “supports women’s rights.” “I want to come home to a home cooked dinner every night at six,” Sykes said, referring to demands he makes of his girlfriend. “One that she fixes and one that I expect one day to have daughters learn to fix after they become traditional homemakers and family wives.”
The candidate said that he hoped his daughters do not grow up to be “career obsessed banshees who forgo home life and children and the happiness of family to become nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils who shriek from the top of a thousand tall buildings they are [SIC] think they could have leaped in a single bound — had men not been ‘suppressing them.’ It’s just nuts.”
I too want a fresh cooked dinner on the table when I get home at 5, but my cat refuses to cook it for me. #Catsogyny
How often do you think about what attracts you to another person? Better yet does what attract you to someone affect how you treat others? What about how you view people that have relationships with different groups? These are questions I ask and write about a lot because I feel that once we truly understand what these questions mean along with all that encompasses them the closer we are to being able to truly have meaningful dialogue in recognizing if there are issues involving a prejudice towards a group of people.
It’s a mouthful while also being the opening to a very long-winded rant that involves being gay, being an African American and loving football but they all seem to relate to each other in my rambling thoughts. And I’ll try to show how sports are a lot like life in how we communicate with each other in our relationships. Improve your skills by playing at 918kiss the best online casino games.
You see the reason I’m on this topic again is because today, while watching the Titans game, I received a message from a so called friend who just casually wanted to chat and catch up (aka gossip). This guy loves to talk about who’s hot and who he’d like to date (and hell I love doing that too) but the Titans are my home team that I root for even when their defensive line is abysmal and offense is all over the place. So I wanted to watch (also scream at my TV when they’re doing great or awful or both) without any distractions.
But my friend is persistent and somewhat of an inquisitor of the human condition (or maybe I’m a pushover). Anyway, I yield on watching the game to focus on what he’s saying. He then asks why I don’t like black men (…what). Naturally the question both confused and angered me at the same time because for one it was random and came completely out of left field and secondly because I always know how conversations like this go. Someone will say something completely untrue and downright dumb followed by me very bluntly stating that their opinion is not only false but also dated.
They will then quickly try to recover by providing some “empirical evidence” to support their lofty opinion. But I will then proceed to pass over any reductive laundry list of examples to addressing why the question itself is out of bounds leaving them stumped and angry because they realize that the way they asked the question was insensitive and more than likely prejudiced.
And wouldn’t you know it the situation went exactly like I predicted it would. He went on saying that it bothers him when people don’t date their own race while I pointed out that sounds like his problem not mine. But I couldn’t leave it there and had to expand on it and figure out what this dated opinion came from so I asked for clarification.
He couldn’t think of a way to explain his point without making it sound worse so he then talked about tastes are innate also leading him to the conclusion that sexuality is concrete with no fluidity meaning he believes there’s no such thing as bisexual men. So he choose to go all in on his ridiculous small minded opinions.
If you follow football, or rather any sport, this conversation and ones like this are a lot like the game. Two opponents standing their ground making large plays to score points and win. Either opponent can fumble the ball (or the point they were trying to make). Either opponent can intercept the ball (conversation) to score another point (in support of their opinion). The time runs out and the person who’s made enough right points wins the game (argument/debate).
So at this point of the conversation it should be enough when I say that you know what? Even though the majority of men I’ve dated have been Caucasian that I’ve not only attracted to but have also had romantic relationships with every race and a diverse amount of a different ethnicity. That yes I am aware of race and color and ethnicity and aware of the differences and while I acknowledge those differences it does not inhibit arousal or sexual attraction.
But it doesn’t. Saying that will only add to his warped way of thinking. My explanations or reasoning would only exacerbate whatever closed minded opinion someone else is voicing while making me doubt how aware I am of these cultural aspects when dating.
If I had brought up how at one time I was foolish enough to believe that the societal norms, including sticking to your race, did not extend to the gay community when in fact in some settings it is amplified. Maybe that is due to not wanting to stick out more in society by engaging in an interracial relationship on top of a gay relationship. In my experience this is more true here in the south.
And some may say the same can be said about acceptance of the gay community by the African American community but that too is subjective. Fair points but in this setting it would’ve come off as trying to give all the responsibility on society when ultimately that decision will always be mine and mine alone, no matter the lifetime of influences.
Why do we even care that they have an opinion on who we should do/be/say/date/have sex with/love/marry could’ve been another point to win this argument. I could have expanded on how sexuality is a breathing changing entity of our being and as our tastes change so may how we define our sexual identity. Yet talking about it will always seem like defensive bitterness and frustration. And it is that, but not for the reasons some may think.
Because it’s not for your pity. Never for that so you can keep it or throw it away or better yet not pity people because its degrading and treats someone like they’re subhuman. But it’s important because we do need to know how and why people are drawn to each other. It helps us in a very delicate, subtle way understand where our negative beliefs began. While we are not initially hate and attraction are innate how we perceive them is learned. But bring that up still would not have proven my point.
Do you see now how conversations like this become a game? You on defense trying to make as many points to defend your opinion and your pride before the conversation ends. There’s interruptions (interceptions), Hell sometimes there’s even snarling. The only thing that really sets it apart is that there’s no gentle slap on the ass at the end.
The only time you should be concerned with who someone dates or what their dating preferences are is when they stereotype or categorize an entire group and completely exclude them from based on that backwards opinion. Like Grindr profiles that have “no chicken (people of African Decent) rice (Asian) but spice (Hispanic nonblack) is alright”. Those are the “it’s just a preference” people you should direct these conversations towards. I am not one of those people. But again that would give a point to him because it would appear that I may subconsciously do the same thing as the inept men that have racist dating profiles.
The whole conversation made me defensive as it always does because I never want to be made to feel like I have some quota to fill and should have to seek out other gay African American man in order for it to “look right”. And I don’t want anyone questioning the legitimacy of bisexuality. But either consciously or subconsciously that’ll be what runs through people’s mind for a split second when they don’t understand. That logic would mean that I question whether the next time I’m attracted to another African American man is that guilt or actual physical arousal.
This should be entertaining to the outside observer and the victor afterwards but conversations like this don’t turn out that way. It’s life. Because even though I won the argument I don’t feel like a winner. Especially when this exhausting exercise in logic always leaves you feeling on guard for the decisions you make solely based on your race or sexuality or both. Then you hopefully reach the moment of asking yourself why the opinions of others matter in what a person sees in a race or sexual orientation.
In the end I didn’t use the points that I knew both from experience and studying human behavior meant that instead of answering a question we have to ask more questions. Ask why it feels right to you when two people of the same race are together and uneasy when it’s two different races together. Ask yourself why you need to define what someone else’s sexuality is for them and why that bothers you when it’s different from your beliefs.
My point is that it’s circular and reductive and repetitive and you will again have to go out on the field and be ready to defend your position every single time you’re challenged if you go into conversations like this with that mindset. And the thought of having to repeat the same plays can at times be daunting leading up to confusion and doubt and uncertainty that anything was accomplished at all.
All puns intended when we take on this dynamic in discussing race or sexuality it sets up an us vs them mentality rather than exploring why some have these inaccurate convoluted beliefs. And even when they are right in questioning a person exhibiting self hating tendencies or homophobia (ie not dating one’s own race or trying to define someone else’s sexuality) we have to ask what lead them to see this and open the dialogue even more.
So sports can often reflect the strategies we partake in when we have these types of conversations. Like how some people need to fight in a relationship to prove they’re right just for the sake of argument because it gives them power rather than actually having a legitimate point. Now while I’m not saying life is a game but the way that we interact and choose to have these conversations do take on these dynamics.
Even though this form of communication is the way we are taught to settle debates it is not the way we should be discussing race or sexuality. We need to examine where these questions come from before answering them because when people have questions like my friend that is where he’ll find the answers.
And next time, let me enjoy the damn game in peace.
An ally is someone who is able to not only empathize with the oppression and plight of a group of people but also actively seeks out solutions to bring about advocacy for equal rights. Allies are instrumental in helping a group or community eliminate discrimination. And if/when said person(s) has said or done something that is insensitive or harmful against said community, they reach out to understand the error in their ways to prevent any other insult. They openly challenge those that condemn us and are a bridge to a solution, not the cause of our problems.
What allies don’t do is belittle and compare us to stereotypes that are based in hate. They do not call us toxic little queens and threaten to sodomize us with foreign objects and then fetishize how much we would enjoy the pain. And they certainly wouldn’t tell us that we use our coming out stories as a way to have credibility and popularity within the gay community.
See that is what Alec Baldwin should have done when he was confronted about his latest twitter rant by journalist Anderson Cooper. Baldwin felt it was necessary to tell a photo jornalist earlier this summer to stop being a toxic little queen this summer after his wife was reportedly tweeting during a funeral. During Baldwin’s tirade to try to defend his wife while publicly shaming the photog was weak for being gay and tried his best to demean the man by his sexuality, and not by any unethical practices. Soon after Cooper spoke out against Baldwin and his insensitive statements that were homophobic in nature.
But Baldwin had to respond to Cooper’s comments by making even more insensitive, homophobic statements on the Howard Stern radio show:
“What I realize about [Cooper] is, everybody in media, they have a job to do. Anderson Cooper has a job to do. And that job is to try to reinforce his credibility in the gay community after the fact that you couldn’t get him out of the closet for 10 years with a canister of tear gas. Now he’s the sheriff. Now he’s running around writing everybody a ticket!”
Sounds less about addressing the nature of the business and more about an actor that has an inflated appraisal of his talents going on to again attack the ibe thing he feels he has dominance and power over Cooper, his sexuality. Never mind that the process of coming out is different for all of us and takes years, sometimes decades to reconcile the constant unending judgement that you cannot (and should never be taught to) get rid of. There are still men and women that take their entire lifetimes to gain clarity in accepting something society constantly shames you for.
Why is it whenever someone confronts people like Baldwin, they have a tendency to claim the person opposing their view is some politically correct zealot that is just trying to win points with a group thereby warranting them to invalidate the truth? Was the fact that Baldwin felt he had to talk about a gay man as feminine and someone who’s prone to drama as he did in his latest twitter rant? Or how we talked about this man that accused his wife of tweeting at a funeral as someone that needs to be kicked in his rectum but would like that, because he apparently believes that we gay men love to sexualize violence.
The entire time Baldwin and his statements were about comparing homosexuality to femininity because they were implying that feminine is weak, which is the typical rhetoric of a bigot. And it is misogynist because it places not just femininity in gay men as a weakness, but all women as well. Claiming that you’ve had a long running history with helping numerous unnamed LGBT organizations does not exclude you from having a prejudice mindset or enacting in dialogue that is problematic, hypocritical and downright harmful to this community.
There is no timetable for it because we each have to accept it in our own time. But Baldwin, a straight man that never has to deal with anything other than being a mediocre sitcom actor, feels like he can postulate on the complexities of one’s coming out process. Snide remark aside, let’s go along with this assertion made by Baldwin of Cooper coming out merely to gain favor with the gay community. In a time when there are still LGBT youth that are still openly attacked, bullied, dismembered, driven to a point where they want to end their lives, then any visibility that eliminates the stigma and negative stereotypes that Baldwin promotes, then I still welcome it. Even if it is to gain some sort of status it is a whole lot more than anything Baldwin has ever done for this community.
So please tell me, how someone who can so easily trivialize the process of coming out could ever be an ally. Save the speeches and blanket apologies for someone that truly believes you give a damn, Alec Baldwin. You are no better than the bigots that openly try to oppress us. But at least they’re honest about it. We are now in a time when instead of a person admitting the error in their prejudiced ways they would rather double down on their idiocy while claiming they know the real complexities of a struggle they themselves are lucky enough to never have to experience. So they make even more insufferable, uneducated comments to try to cover up their ignorance their privilege of being a member of the majority has given them. And they look like insensitive, uncaring, completely unaware fools while doing so.
I for one am exhausted from so called allies that deem themselves as a good guy that had a rough day who was simply using their offensive manner in a different context that we are just too simple to understand. Sorry but you aren’t that good an actor. Claiming that they can so easily discern the reasoning behind someone coming out is laughable and to refer to the process of coming out as a bargaining tool for popularity is not only insulting, it’s disgusting. It’s paramount that so called allies like Baldwin be called out so when they make their mea culpas that are supposed to make us forget their numerous transgressions.
You see the best quality about an ally is that they are willing to listen, because they know no matter how much they are made aware of the oppression and discrimination a group or community face, that they still will never know exactly what the experience feels like. So they must always be willing to accept that there will be times that they see nothing wrong with their behavior when it in fact is very problematic. And since Baldwin seems too keen on ignoring that aspect. we can not call him an ally.
Today, Lauryn Hill is finding herself in some hot water, and it’s not because of her tax evasion, its coming from her fans after they discovered some anti-gay and suggestively homophobic lyrics to her latest song titled, Neurotic Society. Upon further analysis of the song, the song implies that society is being overran be gender bending effeminate men and is leading to our downfall. Though some analysts have tried to find alternative meanings to who exactly Hill is confronting with the the aggressive lyrics but there is little more to infer from them.
The meaning of the song came under more scrutiny as a reporter for BET.com, Dr. Monica Miller analysed the song released days before Hill was sent to federal prison for three months for failure to pay her taxes. Here’s what Miller had to say:
Whether or not Hill is merely using these comments as examples of the smokescreens and sleight-of-hands that pervade this “Neurotic Society” is unclear. Beyond intention, these sorts of statements suggest that society is in a shambles because it’s been taking too many cues from the LGBTQ community, acting like “girl men,” “drag queens” and “transvestites.” Is her beef with oppressive society or is her issue with people who don’t abide by a traditional family structure?
On a more personal note, I have been a fan of Lauryn Hill for as long as she has had a viable career in music. She has a raw talent that is rare and so ethereal that before all this, her message really spoke to me. What was once a message of understanding the paradigms that can consume us and our society seem to have had such an extremist effect on Lauryn, thereby she now feels she has to label anything she doesn’t see in her vision of truth, and that makes me the enemy.
At first when I heard the song Neurotic Society I admit that I didn’t listen to the words or what they implied because I stopped halfway through. It was all spoken word and did not resemble the voice that I fell in love with all those years ago. But reading the lyrics today, I do not recognize the empress of freedom fighting lyricist that I had come accustomed to in my earlier youth. What was in place was an extremist that seemed to be blaming the world’s problems (and her own) on everyone else, most notably the LGBT community, my community.
It was suggestive of us being the reason that the world is falling apart much like the racist of yesteryear (and still to this day) for the downfall of society. All because of African Americans, another community that I belong to, are becoming more successful and recognized in society. It felt so hypocritical and it hurt to see someone who you’ve admired for so long be so passionate about calling you a sinner. There’s no way for me to see an adequate defense of what she wrote in these lyrics:
We’re living in a joke time, metaphorical coke time Commerce and girl men Run the whole world men
Or these:
Whole world run savagely Greedy men and pride fiends Program TV screens Quick scam and drag queens Real life’s been blasphemed Think twice its past dream
Other than having a misguided ideal of what a man is, these lyrics are highly suggestive that men cannot be feminine which is at best misogyny and at worst blatant homophobia. It stings to have someone you’ve admired for so long be so demeaning about everything you are. It took me years to process what it means for me to be both an African American and a gay man in our society, so I cannot and will not defend this confrontational homophobia disguised as liberal freedom fighting against oppression.
She’s subscribing to the same rhetoric that racists partake in when calling us names and saying we’re all the same when we are not. Claiming the need to save our souls while their own seems to be in perpetual turmoil and delusion. How can she save us when she can’t even save herself is the first question she should think about. it cheapens the perspective that she once was so clear in presenting, but all I can hear is anger and ignorance. In my opinion, this scenario is no different a racist that calls for attention. I’d rather her just say it rather than try (and fail) at being clever.
We have been judged and bullied to death, both figuratively and literally because of we you are. With as smart and insightful as she herself claims to be, you’d think she’d be able to see the similarities instead of adding to tension of two communities differences that does nothing but separate. How can someone promote freedom while oppressing another? I’ve supported this artist for her unbelievable talents for almost two decades but sadly that has ended today. The beauty I once believed to be so rare and talent I believed so unique and progressive has faded to nothing more than grandstanding.
I will always support freedom Lauryn, freedom of expression and voice and the ability to illustrate our innate talents in whatever fashion someone sees fit. But I will never support hate, and what your definition stands for because it is no longer a message, it’s hate.
Today while attempting to research for something to blog about I came across this article in the Advocate titled, Six Reasons Why it Sucks to Be a Gay Man, that discussed the different ways that being gay has its downfalls. Never mind the negative tone the name of the article has as it is apparent after reading the first two paragraphs that the author was satirically making a point through humor and I can’t fault him for that.
However there was one particular point on the list that really frustrated me. Maybe frustrate is too strong a word as it’s not so much that I have hostility towards this point, but rather I question the point itself. It talked about how not knowing a potential partner’s sexual role early on can pose problems later on in the relationship. The author implies how it sucks when two gay men get together and are dating only later to find out that they are first in fact bottoms:
4. “Wait … we are both bottoms?”
It’s the third date and you have been on your best behavior with that gorgeous man across the dinner table. That means no “sexting,” no more than two cocktails, and nothing below the waist … until now.
You think, Finally, this is how dating is supposed to be! You didn’t meet on Grindr or sleep with each other on the first date. You have the same taste in music and even talked about how you both want kids. Everything is perfect!
That is, until things finally start heating up and your thighs keep wanting to go in the same direction as his. After a frustrating make-out session and an awkward discussion in the nude, the reality of your preferred position becomes apparent. Even if one of you may be more “versatile” than the other, you are both bottoms.
So there went the wedding bells, but it could be worse. At least you have a new shopping pal.
This of course would cause problems in any relationship when you have a preference to a specific sexual role; if you’re not into it, you just aren’t. But the first thought I had when I read this point is why would this information be something that you would find out on the third date? When is the right time to ask this question.
And I know that most already know the answers to this question depending on their own experience or belief in common sense but some of us are not as clear on parameters because of inexperience. Or the fact that as the more men you interact with, the sooner you realize that the answer is not as clear cut as you once believed.
Because despite what the media, and sometimes what our own beliefs about the validity in stereotypes of gay men, we know deep down that we are a very diverse group of men so you can’t just go by appearance. Or how they walk. Or how they talk. Their profession. All of these demographics don’t automatically tell you this crucial information that will at some point will mean something to both of you. And despite their popularity, we don’t always have the convenience of social dating apps like Grindr to blatantly list what are our sexual preferences.
Some may be saying right now, “all that stuff doesn’t matter, it’s all about the connection”. Well like it or not sex is a component of that connection. Granted, it is not the only connection two people can share with each other or the only way to physically express affections for one another but it is still an important part to intimacy. Remember that as men we react first by what they see, so we also base our future behaviors on what we see in the present and foreseeable future.
You may have sex on the first date or may not have sex for the first six months of dating someone new, but a lot of the attraction may be centered on how you were attracted to him in the first place. So the discussion needs to happen at some point well before you make it to the bedroom one night to take your relationship further. So this will come up at some point.
But the question is of course when. When do approach sex roles in potential partners? So how would you approach the matter if it weren’t so apparent? Would you bluntly ask? Going up to someone and saying hi, I’m (insert name) and I’m wanted to know if you’re a top or bottom” probably won’t go over too smoothly. We can all appreciate a direct inquiry but you’re more than likely to offend someone with a question that is so intimate and private.
Would a better way to approach the dilemma be to enact on a series of vague questions to find out the answer? What an icebreaker that could be, if done correctly. There’s drawback to that as well. A lot of guys do not like these types of long-winded, mull around the bush questions (including myself). After a while they can come off as condescending and suggests that you are too much the inquisitor rather than potential lover.
Maybe the best approach would be a combination of the first two scenarios. But instead of asking them, under no uncertain terms declaring what sexual role you prefer. For instance at some point providing information about your own preferred sexual role (without being vulgar or inappropriate), you suggest how much you love leading your dance partner on the floor and doing a very sensual rumba. And that doesn’t have to include actually discussing sex itself. But that can be seen as being too forward.
Maybe that approach is too forward as well, suggesting cockiness and that you just assumed what you believe is their sexual role. the whole guessing game and these tactics you employ can be tiresome. Honestly I don’t think this situation of later on finding out two guys are both bottoms happens that often as natural chemistry will express what each of your roles are. So maybe listening is the true key. Maybe there are subtle indications that can help that we don’t pay attention to often. Maybe that was what the author was suggesting.
I believe it’s important to ask why we have such a hard time approaching this topic in the first place. The biggest reason is the result of what the roles themselves imply. Being a top implies masculinity and strength as well as dominance while being the bottom signifies submissive, feminine attributes. One of the problems arises is when we take those sexual roles we assign ourselves outside the bedroom and apply it to everyday life.
It’s no secret that in the gay community that the bottom is the brunt (no pun intended) of many jokes. And is seen as a negative attribute, especially by those that carry heteronormative practices of misogyny into the gay community. That means they, like chauvinistic men in the rest of society associate anything feminine as being weak.
We can blame it on media, or upbringing as much as we want but the truth is we are responsible for correcting those ill-conceived beliefs into the community. As I’ve stated before, we have to take accountability for not repeating the mistakes we advocate against. Basically, remember what I said earlier about every guy being different? That’s the most important thing you can do. And be honest in however you discuss it.
Lastly, don’t ever question what sexual role he says he prefers and take him at his word. Just the way you would want to not be scrutinized by whatever your preferred sexual role is for you. If you either don’t believe or accept that then kindly move on to some other topic or someone else.
I won’t tell you which method is right or wrong because that is not my job description in this setting However I will say to always remember how you want to be addressed when this question is asked of you and how you’d respond accordingly. The chemistry will say more than any line of questioning you can think up and provide you with the answer when necessary. And guys, always do it with respect. Perceive each man, regardless of the position he prefers, is still a man and a human being. Remember and respect that.
