Tag Archives: masculinity

Is He A Top Or A Bottom?

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Today while attempting to research for something to blog about I came across this article in the Advocate titled, Six Reasons Why it Sucks to Be a Gay Man, that discussed the different ways that being gay has its downfalls. Never mind the negative tone the name of the article has as it is apparent after reading the first two paragraphs that the author was satirically making a point through humor and I can’t fault him for that.

However there was one particular point on the list that really frustrated me. Maybe frustrate is too strong a word as it’s not so much that I have hostility towards this point, but rather I question the point itself. It talked about how not knowing a potential partner’s sexual role early on can pose problems later on in the relationship. The author implies how it sucks when two gay men get together and are dating only later to find out that they are first in fact bottoms:

4. “Wait … we are both bottoms?”

It’s the third date and you have been on your best behavior with that gorgeous man across the dinner table.  That means no “sexting,” no more than two cocktails, and nothing below the waist … until now.

You think, Finally, this is how dating is supposed to be! You didn’t meet on Grindr or sleep with each other on the first date. You have the same taste in music and even talked about how you both want kids. Everything is perfect!

That is, until things finally start heating up and your thighs keep wanting to go in the same direction as his. After a frustrating make-out session and an awkward discussion in the nude, the reality of your preferred position becomes apparent. Even if one of you may be more “versatile” than the other, you are both bottoms.

So there went the wedding bells, but it could be worse. At least you have a new shopping pal.

This of course would cause problems in any relationship when you have a preference to a specific sexual role; if you’re not into it, you just aren’t. But the first thought I had when I read this point is why would this information be something that you would find out on the third date? When is the right time to ask this question.

And I know that most already know the answers to this question depending on their own experience or belief in common sense but some of us are not as clear on parameters because of inexperience. Or the fact that as the more men you interact with, the sooner you realize that the answer is not as clear cut as you once believed.

Because despite what the media, and sometimes what our own beliefs about the validity in stereotypes of gay men, we know deep down that we are a very diverse group of men so you can’t just go by appearance. Or how they walk. Or how they talk. Their profession. All of these demographics don’t automatically tell you this crucial information that will at some point will mean something to both of you.  And despite their popularity, we don’t always have the convenience of social dating apps like Grindr to blatantly list what are our sexual preferences.

Some may be saying right now, “all that stuff doesn’t matter, it’s all about the connection”. Well like it or not sex is a component of that connection. Granted, it is not the only connection two people can share with each other or the only way to physically express affections for one another but it is still an important part to intimacy. Remember that as men we react first by what they see, so we also base our future behaviors on what we see in the present and foreseeable future.

You may have sex on the first date or may not have sex for the first six months of dating someone new, but a lot of the attraction may be centered on how you were attracted to him in the first place. So the discussion needs to happen at some point well before you make it to the bedroom one night to take your relationship further. So this will come up at some point.

But the question is of course when. When do approach sex roles in potential partners? So how would you approach the matter if it weren’t so apparent? Would you bluntly ask? Going up to someone and saying hi, I’m (insert name) and I’m wanted to know if you’re a top or bottom” probably won’t go over too smoothly. We can all appreciate a direct inquiry but you’re more than likely to offend someone with a question that is so intimate and  private.

Would a better way to approach the dilemma be to enact on a series of vague questions to find out the answer? What an icebreaker that could be, if done correctly. There’s drawback to that as well. A lot of guys do not like these types of long-winded, mull around the bush questions (including myself). After a while they can come off as condescending and suggests that you are too much the inquisitor rather than potential lover.

Maybe the best approach would be a combination of the first two scenarios. But instead of asking them, under no uncertain terms declaring what sexual role you prefer. For instance at some point providing information about your own preferred sexual role (without being vulgar or inappropriate), you suggest how much you love leading your dance partner on the floor and doing a very sensual rumba. And that doesn’t have to include actually discussing sex itself. But that can be seen as being too forward.

Maybe that approach is too forward as well, suggesting cockiness and that you just assumed what you believe is their sexual role. the whole guessing game and these tactics you employ can be tiresome. Honestly I don’t think this situation of later on finding out two guys are both bottoms happens that often as natural chemistry will express what each of your roles are. So maybe listening is the true key. Maybe there are subtle indications that can help that we don’t pay attention to often. Maybe that was what the author was suggesting.

I believe it’s important to ask why we have such a hard time approaching this topic in the first place. The biggest reason is the result of what the roles themselves imply. Being a top implies masculinity and strength as well as dominance while being the bottom signifies submissive, feminine attributes. One of the problems arises is when we take those sexual roles we assign ourselves outside the bedroom and apply it to everyday life.

It’s no secret that in the gay community that the bottom is the brunt (no pun intended) of many jokes. And is seen as a negative attribute, especially by those that carry heteronormative practices of misogyny into the gay community. That means they, like chauvinistic men in the rest of society associate anything feminine as being weak.

We can blame it on media, or upbringing as much as we want but the truth is we are responsible for correcting those ill-conceived beliefs into the community. As I’ve stated before, we have to take accountability for not repeating the mistakes we advocate against. Basically, remember what I said earlier about every guy being different? That’s the most important thing you can do. And be honest in however you discuss it.

Lastly, don’t ever question what sexual role he says he prefers and take him at his word. Just the way you would want to not be scrutinized by whatever your preferred sexual role is for you.  If you either don’t believe or accept that then kindly move on to some other topic or someone else.

I won’t tell you which method is right or wrong because that is not my job description in this setting  However I will say to always remember how you want to be addressed when this question is asked of you and how you’d respond accordingly. The chemistry will say more than any line of questioning you can think up and provide you with the answer when necessary. And guys, always do it with respect. Perceive each man, regardless of the position he prefers, is still a man and a human being. Remember and respect that.

The All Too Relevant Myth About Bisexuality

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“What? You haven’t heard of the myth about bisexuality? The myth about it is that bisexuality doesn’t exist. It’s all for show. It’s so obvious that they’re lying to themselves.  They get to have the best of both worlds with fewer consequences and they are completely greedy. So selfish. They’re doing it to buffer into being gay. Sort of like some gateway. They don’t know how to be monogamous.  Or it’s just made up so that clever gay men not ready to face the truth yet and accept that they’re just as gay as the rest of them. That’s why I never date them. It doesn’t exist.”

This is what a normal conversation looks like that sums up how most men in the gay community feel about bisexuality. So often the only discussion is just a few sentences that deny that it has any legitimacy or accuracy. Either many don’t understand it or simply don’t want as a result of resentment and frustration Instead of the outward appearance of solidarity; bisexuality is one of the most openly condemned subgroups. It’s so easily discarded almost immediately upon mention without any further investigation and not worthy of any more discussion.

And at the end of these superficial conversations, they are always met with the declarative phrase like, “That’s why I don’t date them”. The statement is said with so much vigor and so finite that it seems as if they truly believe that bisexuals as some kind of leper of our community. So many believe that being bisexual is actually some type of detriment to their character. That their sexuality is an actual problem, not just who they are and is met with such disdain. There is always a reason to have such a strong stance something so I ask is there any validity to this stance? What leads so many gay men to view bisexuality in such a negative way to the point that they don’t even believe that it’s possible?

The topic is too often avoided or danced around and as a result, these myths about bisexuality appear and just accepted as truth. The myths are that bisexuality, and more particularly in bisexual men, are often believed to be confused about their sexuality.  Or that bisexual men cannot be in a sustainable, monogamous relationship. More than likely, when the topic is brought up, it is either overstated that this man is gay and just hasn’t come to terms with it or is looking to cushion the blow of coming out. And the most common belief that bisexuality doesn’t exist.

Think about it, when Frank Ocean talked about his relationship with a man last year, most media, bloggers, and news outlets just referred to him as coming out gay. Despite the fact that Ocean has never declared himself as gay, most of the media wouldn’t even entertain the thought the more than likely that he is a bisexual man and completely okay with that. Even after he clarified later that he does not adhere to these labels and further suggested the fluidity of his sexuality, almost everyone just considers him gay. And it’s for reasons like this that I want to examine these aspects of how we categorize (or dismiss) bisexuality and the way they may be true and why some of them are not true at all.

So why do gay men seem to have the biggest problem with other men that declare themselves bisexual? I think there are several reasons for this stigma. First, a believed common trend up until a few years ago was to come out as bisexual to “ease” into the gay community. It’s believed that you were likely to still garner some praise from the straight community as you still had “normal” behaviors by being attracted to women. It meant that you are still a man and weren’t a complete lost cause and just needed to find the right woman. It’s perceived that going this route makes coming out as easier because at one point, these men enacted in acceptable behavior.

It’s true that some men that now identify as gay once categorized themselves as bisexual. I have several friends that have done so and for the very reason of it being easier and admitted later that they felt it would make it easier. But you can any of us really fault them for this? We come from a society that adamantly rejects any notion of a man embracing anything seen as “feminine”. So even bisexual men are criticized the same as those that identify as gay.  So maybe this trend did have very apparent drawbacks. Maybe the result of some gay men coming out initially as bisexual, made it harder for some to believe that there are in fact legitimacy of bisexual men in our community.

But these men are still attracted to men whether they identify as gay or bisexual. Why are we so critical when someone decides to take an “easier route”?  We all know the process of coming out and how it can be a constant unrelenting challenge both internally and from society. Why wouldn’t we want to further complicate someone’s life by adding to the challenges? That’s what happens when bisexual men are judged in this manner and makes coming out even more challenging by adding stress to this process. All of this scrutiny leaves a harder road for the bisexual man. Because instead of feeling welcomed in a community that should openly support him he feels like he has to choose to be gay or just a straight man that occasionally experimented with guys.

However the same is not true for bisexual women. Actually the truth is that bisexual women are praised for being adventurous and sexy. In both the straight and gay community. Taking on the aspects that are both masculine and feminine, like a tomboy, are heavily sought after. Many things that he may have perfectly blended together are now about him attempting to project an image that is most accepted. Even gay men praise and hold in high esteem women that are able to blend masculinity and femininity in their sexuality. But the truth is that the only reason that is accepted with bisexual women is because women are viewed by our misogynistic society as sexual fetishes.

So there is somewhat of a double standard at play here. It’s okay for a woman in our society to be bisexual because so often masculinity, in any form,  is romanticized and depicted as the accepted standard. It’s okay for both men and women to be attracted to masculine qualities. But as always any feminine attribute or anything associated with the feminine gender (like being attracted to men by other men) is disputed and rejected. Men are not allowed to be attracted to what women are attracted to or exhibit feminine qualities.

On some level, when we meet bisexuality in men with such trepidation we are advancing those oppressive beliefs. As a result we erroneously carry those societal norms into our community and project them onto bisexual men. We are carrying those same notions that feminine is bad and masculine is good. Horrible thought that the behaviors and attitudes towards bisexuality drive people to make the same hasty decisions like picking a side. They should be able to express their sexuality openly as we do without the criticism that we faced when we came out as gay. They feel misunderstood and unwelcome, and it’s contradictory when they are condemned by gay men.

What all this information should address to those naysayers is for you to reflect and remember that when you came out, you more than likely had a plethora of straight men  promoting this religious propaganda by telling you that this was some phase you were somehow talked into by some delinquents. We also need to remember that sexuality at its foundation has always been a fluid concept. Why? Because we are all different with varying degrees of sexual attraction, expression, and behavior.

We have all learned, sexuality may be fluid and changing. Whether it is small incremental changes to huge monumental moments we change and grow. And while I’m not saying that the category in which your sexuality is placed changes or that everyone is bisexual, the way you categorize or label your sexuality can change. So we need to be sure that we don’t criticize these men and support them, regardless of how they identify their sexuality.

What makes this talk about bisexuality relevant is that the myths are believed without question or any further examination. It’s ignorance and even more so ironic that these beliefs are held by gay men more than anyone else. These negative reactions are a consequence of conditioning from society and we need to be cognizant to not exhibit the same oppressive mannerisms.

We don’t talk enough about the things that we do to each other within our community and how some of our behaviors ask members of this community to conform to our beliefs. We cannot advocate such archaic heteronormative behaviors as we see enough of that from places like Grindr that have profiles asking for  “straight only” “no femmes” “masc only”. They are on the same makeup of the negative gay stereotypes that we campaign against. So let’s not criticize what someone defines their sexuality as, especially when they belong to our community.

Hey Dude, You’re So Masc…

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Do you cringe when guys use phrases like that every day (I say dude a lot; sadly it’s a habit I’ve been unable or unwilling to break). These self-declarations of masculinity used to assert manhood and strength. It’s an attempt at asserting bravado and a sexual attraction by all men. We are so intent as men to prove we are men. It’s our nature due to our genetic makeup so that exhausted excuse to an extent is true. But that outdated concept of our behavior can only go so far. Some of us may have the ideal instilled in us that in order to be a man we have to personify this every day. Whatever the case, we have to talk about why it’s there and why it can be problematic. And the purpose of this is not to condemn or insult because there is more than enough of that already in our community. But in order to grow we need to discuss.

I’ve talked about the yin and yang of gay before so consider this a further breakdown of the yang. Or rather the way in which some of us gay men express (or overcompensate) that aspect of our selves. Within our community and at times even more so than the straight community, masculinity is praised and exulted above femininity. Gripe as much as we like about missed text messages and the end to one night stands but it is true that we carry some of the hetero-normative behaviors from society. It is widely accepted to mock and trivialize any trace of the female gender. Insults are strewn with them as a way to take someone down a peg. Critiquing the over-usage of hand gestures or flamboyant movements, the very thing some of us were teased about to the point that some go out of their way to hide or suppress.

At the same time, let’s not kid ourselves here. We are attracted to men for a reason. That goes beyond a superficial model of physical anatomy or chemical pheromones transmitted on the microscopic level. It’s style and presence encapsulated in muscles and height. Expression of movement that captivates our attention. A firm, assertive stance accompanied by thighs of steel and gluts of granite. Deep voices from hard, angular features in tandem with thick facial and body that we can’t keep our hands off of long enough to recognize much else. The rugged touch and grip as the sweat that perspires making us hot all over. To even the taste of another man’s lips. All enthralling symbols we are innately drawn and captivated by.

You see as men, we are more apt to physical expression compared to our female counterparts that are more expressive in emotion and speech. It’s all about what we see first and foremost. As we take this information in we immediately begin to categorize and evaluate. Effective but exponentially different modes of communication in which each gender dominantly employs one or the other. Whether it’s a compliment of a feature or shaping up an adversary, we act and react to what we see. From the evolutionary standpoint of our hunter-gatherer nature we are still heavily dependent on. So I’m not arguing the biology of why we’re this way.

At the same time, we can’t let that be the only thing that we process as what strength means. It is not only exhaustive to the masculine traits we are drawn towards. Some of us get to the point of fetishistic masculinity as if that is the only suitable attribute in a life mate. It becomes the only acceptable mode.  It’s because, again, it’s what we see and we are hard wired to do so. Goes back to the principle of yin and yang and having that. It’s common belief is that masculinity is dominance and control while femininity is submissive and obeying commands which isn’t true. As gay men we already defy the notion because of our attraction to men.

I didn’t learn how to be a man from that. I learned from my mother, who after my father died when I was an infant, took on the role of provider and the hunter/gatherer. She worked obnoxiously long hours to make ends meet yet still made time to throw a baseball around when she got home. She met and exceeded those needs of mine, even when she remarried and my step dad became a part of our lives. I know of course that experiences like mine either personify or diminish that initial evaluative mindset.

Some fail to see what we commonly consider as femininity as a strength. This assertion to me is contrary as the gay culture openly invites an almost worshiping of strong, self-sufficient pop stars and politicians that are women. So why is it shamed when we participate in the same behaviors? Ignoring the strength it takes to express the softer and emotional that provides so much more satiable relationships. In fact, that understanding makes all of our relationships better.

My point is that for whatever way you define what a man or masculinity is, to not let those concepts and ideals of what strength are. Be your only blueprint. Remember that the mind and heart are great and unimaginable sources of strength and passion. That the yin has the same attributes as the yang. Know that endurance is not always synonymous with muscles as it is with brainpower. Don’t let those initial characteristics be the only thing you see.

See The Problem With “Straight Acting” Is…

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Earlier today I was having a lighthearted conversation with an acquaintance. We were discussing a potpourri of life topics without getting too heavy. He then mentions that he’s off to watch the Saints game, adding “you know my masc stuff.” I was irritated and asked him to elaborate the “masc stuff” and he continued saying “come on Sly, we all have our straight acting ways” I started to grind my teeth so hard it could have chipped a diamond. I couldn’t even respond because all that I kept hearing in my mind was, “Can this stop now? Can we stop degrading each other?” Okay degrading may have been a stretch but honestly those are the first questions that pop into my head whenever I hear a fellow gay man say “straight acting”. I ask why is there a need to declare a behavior when you think you “fit in” with society?

Seriously, is being masc or straight acting going to stop you from being attracted to men? I know we all have multifaceted personalities that are differing and we label them as a result of whatever the consensus of normal behavior in society, but come on. To me it feels more like a crisis of identity than a statement. But maybe I’m being over-dramatic  Maybe I’m putting more into it. Could it be that I’mm concerned with how religious zealots would say the moment they hear a gay man say straight acting? Do phrases like this send a message to others that haven’t come out yet that even when you come out, you have to mask your gayness. It’s a lot of questions, and even though I’ve put a lot of thought into them, doesn’t mean I’m right. But at least these questions need to be asked.

And even with all of these questions, to me the very notion of labeling something as “straight acting” is insulting. I know it’s a natural thing for us as a species to want to fit into the crowd  to not be called out for being different but entertain this phrase is heavy with insecurity. Why?Because I feel like every single time someone says “straight acting” it’s just another way of saying gay is not good enough, that being gay is less than straight  That it’s scoring some kind of points whenever an man of any stature does something “masc or masculine (I despise this term as well) Is it possible that “straight acting” because they haven’t fully come to terms with being gay, therefore are still openly identifying societal markers of what they say a man is supposed to be like?

Yeah I’ve talked about different perceptions of our lifestyles, from caricatures of gay television characters, what we do subconsciously before coming out, to even what the definition of what gay means, but this ritualistic labeling, this categorical hierarchy of manliness that I see so much in thee gay community is downright maddening. I even edited the draft section of this article for describing my self as a hippie because it yet again it is adding a category.  I have no idea how it makes anyone else feels, but labels in general to any human being makes me so irate.

Am I saying that we have to police every single phrase that we say? Of course not because that would be very pretentious…and extremely annoying. And no, I am not telling you what to say or that my opinion is the correct way to be gay, even though some like David Halperin may suggest there is a proper way (there isn’t).  But in my none too important opinion we do need to pay attention to how we label ourselves, especially when it has potentially negative connotations. To me, a man is not defined by whether or not he plays sports, knows how to fix a car, or whatever other concoction society has deemed appropriate to prove someone’s manhood. Being a good person and treating others is respect will always be what makes someone a good human being.

So fellow readers, what say you? Are these rantings just that, a nonsensical rant or do you find reason with my point of view? I admit I’m an over-analyzer that observes everything I say and do to the most finite level. But again, a little self reflection will always be a good trait to inhabit. Regardless, I think we all can agree that being happy with who you are, is what’s most important.

OP-ED: MUSCULAR GAY MEN – RIGHT OR WRONG?

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At a party recently, one friend posed this question to the group: ‘If you could wake up tomorrow and have one of the following, which would it be? Be able to speak another language; be able to play a musical instrument very well; have a masters degree; have £20,000; or change one physical feature about yourself’. While we all pondered the potential new talents we could have or how useful that lump sum of money would be to us recent graduates, I was astounded to hear none of my friends rank changing a physical feature highly. Obviously the reason for this is that my friends and I are all exceedingly good looking. But seriously, either my friends were not being entirely truthful, or they are the lucky few not to be affected by the media bombardment about how we should all look.

I’ve never had to watch what I eat, in fact I eat more than most, and I’m lucky enough to be slim still (at the age of 23). Yet while most people would probably look at my body and say I have nothing to worry about in the ‘body image’ department, I’m still very conscious of what I look like. I won’t pretend that it keeps me up at night, or that it means I’m in the gym every day, but I’m definitely very aware of how I compare to others.

The ‘trend-setters’ and image conscious media of the modern day have definitely succeeded with many men on the muscle front. Clearly I’m not the only one to have noticed that there is an increasingly overwhelming suggestion from the media that you are not attractive unless you’re made of solid, bulging muscle. Some would even go as far as to say that the pressure on men is even greater than on women. Now, I’m sure most of you will agree that this issue is even more prominent amongst the gay community. How many of us actually go to the gym because it’s healthy? How many of us are doing it just for fitness? Or are most of us trying to build muscle or lose weight purely for aesthetic reasons?

There are some more prominent explanations for this if we are to accept the homosexual male stereotype: we’re typically more concerned with our appearance; we’re more fashion conscious and, therefore, more susceptible to media promotion; we’re vainer.

Or is it, in fact, a rebuttal against this very stereotype? In an attempt to rid ourselves of the feminine label stuck upon us by society, it seems many gay men try to assimilate themselves with the more masculine man*. Whether for professional, social or personal reasons, it is still a social norm that the more masculine we are, the more likely we are to be respected – (but I shall refrain from taking a feminist, ’gendered society’ tangent and try and stick to the point). Also, it can be frustrating how others assume that all gay men are “camp”, or are attracted to “camp” men, and thus many feel the need to affirm their ability and desire to be “straight acting” (an issue I will come on to in a later post).

The amusing irony of all this, is that by succumbing to these fashionable images of sex and masculinity, we’re fulfilling the stereotype of the vain gay man, just in a different way. After all, most of us enjoy being looked at sometimes, or knowing that others admire our bodies. Which makes you then wonder if the muscled man is actually more attractive or not – and if he is, what is it that makes him so? Leading on from my earlier point, you could certainly argue that as gay men we are attracted to MEN – manly men, men with muscles – therefore, the more masculine a man is, the more attractive he is. However, any of you that frequent a gym will have noticed how long these muscle-pumped males spend looking in the mirror, adjusting their appearance, puffing (no pun intended) up their chests – if this is the raw, masculine image that we’re all aspiring to then the word masculine needs a new, vainer, more self-conscious definition.

Furthermore, if this is the case, it would stand that most heterosexual females find really muscular men the most attractive. Referring back to the party, not one of the female friends present found a muscular man particularly attractive. Clearly it’s no secret anymore that ‘sex sells’, but with all this imagery of the perfect body, the next generation are being taught, in less and less subtle ways, that muscular = beauty. Are the media really reflecting our preferences, or creating them? And by following this image of muscular masculinity are we improving the gay stereotype or actually further damaging it?

All comments are very welcome – I’d be interested to hear your opinions. (Or write to me/follow on Twitter @Pete_Thom)

*I use the terms “feminine” and “masculine” in their generic and general meaning for the purpose of this article. I recognise that these terms, in themselves, are highly contentious.