Tag Archives: masc

The All Too Relevant Myth About Bisexuality

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“What? You haven’t heard of the myth about bisexuality? The myth about it is that bisexuality doesn’t exist. It’s all for show. It’s so obvious that they’re lying to themselves.  They get to have the best of both worlds with fewer consequences and they are completely greedy. So selfish. They’re doing it to buffer into being gay. Sort of like some gateway. They don’t know how to be monogamous.  Or it’s just made up so that clever gay men not ready to face the truth yet and accept that they’re just as gay as the rest of them. That’s why I never date them. It doesn’t exist.”

This is what a normal conversation looks like that sums up how most men in the gay community feel about bisexuality. So often the only discussion is just a few sentences that deny that it has any legitimacy or accuracy. Either many don’t understand it or simply don’t want as a result of resentment and frustration Instead of the outward appearance of solidarity; bisexuality is one of the most openly condemned subgroups. It’s so easily discarded almost immediately upon mention without any further investigation and not worthy of any more discussion.

And at the end of these superficial conversations, they are always met with the declarative phrase like, “That’s why I don’t date them”. The statement is said with so much vigor and so finite that it seems as if they truly believe that bisexuals as some kind of leper of our community. So many believe that being bisexual is actually some type of detriment to their character. That their sexuality is an actual problem, not just who they are and is met with such disdain. There is always a reason to have such a strong stance something so I ask is there any validity to this stance? What leads so many gay men to view bisexuality in such a negative way to the point that they don’t even believe that it’s possible?

The topic is too often avoided or danced around and as a result, these myths about bisexuality appear and just accepted as truth. The myths are that bisexuality, and more particularly in bisexual men, are often believed to be confused about their sexuality.  Or that bisexual men cannot be in a sustainable, monogamous relationship. More than likely, when the topic is brought up, it is either overstated that this man is gay and just hasn’t come to terms with it or is looking to cushion the blow of coming out. And the most common belief that bisexuality doesn’t exist.

Think about it, when Frank Ocean talked about his relationship with a man last year, most media, bloggers, and news outlets just referred to him as coming out gay. Despite the fact that Ocean has never declared himself as gay, most of the media wouldn’t even entertain the thought the more than likely that he is a bisexual man and completely okay with that. Even after he clarified later that he does not adhere to these labels and further suggested the fluidity of his sexuality, almost everyone just considers him gay. And it’s for reasons like this that I want to examine these aspects of how we categorize (or dismiss) bisexuality and the way they may be true and why some of them are not true at all.

So why do gay men seem to have the biggest problem with other men that declare themselves bisexual? I think there are several reasons for this stigma. First, a believed common trend up until a few years ago was to come out as bisexual to “ease” into the gay community. It’s believed that you were likely to still garner some praise from the straight community as you still had “normal” behaviors by being attracted to women. It meant that you are still a man and weren’t a complete lost cause and just needed to find the right woman. It’s perceived that going this route makes coming out as easier because at one point, these men enacted in acceptable behavior.

It’s true that some men that now identify as gay once categorized themselves as bisexual. I have several friends that have done so and for the very reason of it being easier and admitted later that they felt it would make it easier. But you can any of us really fault them for this? We come from a society that adamantly rejects any notion of a man embracing anything seen as “feminine”. So even bisexual men are criticized the same as those that identify as gay.  So maybe this trend did have very apparent drawbacks. Maybe the result of some gay men coming out initially as bisexual, made it harder for some to believe that there are in fact legitimacy of bisexual men in our community.

But these men are still attracted to men whether they identify as gay or bisexual. Why are we so critical when someone decides to take an “easier route”?  We all know the process of coming out and how it can be a constant unrelenting challenge both internally and from society. Why wouldn’t we want to further complicate someone’s life by adding to the challenges? That’s what happens when bisexual men are judged in this manner and makes coming out even more challenging by adding stress to this process. All of this scrutiny leaves a harder road for the bisexual man. Because instead of feeling welcomed in a community that should openly support him he feels like he has to choose to be gay or just a straight man that occasionally experimented with guys.

However the same is not true for bisexual women. Actually the truth is that bisexual women are praised for being adventurous and sexy. In both the straight and gay community. Taking on the aspects that are both masculine and feminine, like a tomboy, are heavily sought after. Many things that he may have perfectly blended together are now about him attempting to project an image that is most accepted. Even gay men praise and hold in high esteem women that are able to blend masculinity and femininity in their sexuality. But the truth is that the only reason that is accepted with bisexual women is because women are viewed by our misogynistic society as sexual fetishes.

So there is somewhat of a double standard at play here. It’s okay for a woman in our society to be bisexual because so often masculinity, in any form,  is romanticized and depicted as the accepted standard. It’s okay for both men and women to be attracted to masculine qualities. But as always any feminine attribute or anything associated with the feminine gender (like being attracted to men by other men) is disputed and rejected. Men are not allowed to be attracted to what women are attracted to or exhibit feminine qualities.

On some level, when we meet bisexuality in men with such trepidation we are advancing those oppressive beliefs. As a result we erroneously carry those societal norms into our community and project them onto bisexual men. We are carrying those same notions that feminine is bad and masculine is good. Horrible thought that the behaviors and attitudes towards bisexuality drive people to make the same hasty decisions like picking a side. They should be able to express their sexuality openly as we do without the criticism that we faced when we came out as gay. They feel misunderstood and unwelcome, and it’s contradictory when they are condemned by gay men.

What all this information should address to those naysayers is for you to reflect and remember that when you came out, you more than likely had a plethora of straight men  promoting this religious propaganda by telling you that this was some phase you were somehow talked into by some delinquents. We also need to remember that sexuality at its foundation has always been a fluid concept. Why? Because we are all different with varying degrees of sexual attraction, expression, and behavior.

We have all learned, sexuality may be fluid and changing. Whether it is small incremental changes to huge monumental moments we change and grow. And while I’m not saying that the category in which your sexuality is placed changes or that everyone is bisexual, the way you categorize or label your sexuality can change. So we need to be sure that we don’t criticize these men and support them, regardless of how they identify their sexuality.

What makes this talk about bisexuality relevant is that the myths are believed without question or any further examination. It’s ignorance and even more so ironic that these beliefs are held by gay men more than anyone else. These negative reactions are a consequence of conditioning from society and we need to be cognizant to not exhibit the same oppressive mannerisms.

We don’t talk enough about the things that we do to each other within our community and how some of our behaviors ask members of this community to conform to our beliefs. We cannot advocate such archaic heteronormative behaviors as we see enough of that from places like Grindr that have profiles asking for  “straight only” “no femmes” “masc only”. They are on the same makeup of the negative gay stereotypes that we campaign against. So let’s not criticize what someone defines their sexuality as, especially when they belong to our community.

Hey Dude, You’re So Masc…

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Do you cringe when guys use phrases like that every day (I say dude a lot; sadly it’s a habit I’ve been unable or unwilling to break). These self-declarations of masculinity used to assert manhood and strength. It’s an attempt at asserting bravado and a sexual attraction by all men. We are so intent as men to prove we are men. It’s our nature due to our genetic makeup so that exhausted excuse to an extent is true. But that outdated concept of our behavior can only go so far. Some of us may have the ideal instilled in us that in order to be a man we have to personify this every day. Whatever the case, we have to talk about why it’s there and why it can be problematic. And the purpose of this is not to condemn or insult because there is more than enough of that already in our community. But in order to grow we need to discuss.

I’ve talked about the yin and yang of gay before so consider this a further breakdown of the yang. Or rather the way in which some of us gay men express (or overcompensate) that aspect of our selves. Within our community and at times even more so than the straight community, masculinity is praised and exulted above femininity. Gripe as much as we like about missed text messages and the end to one night stands but it is true that we carry some of the hetero-normative behaviors from society. It is widely accepted to mock and trivialize any trace of the female gender. Insults are strewn with them as a way to take someone down a peg. Critiquing the over-usage of hand gestures or flamboyant movements, the very thing some of us were teased about to the point that some go out of their way to hide or suppress.

At the same time, let’s not kid ourselves here. We are attracted to men for a reason. That goes beyond a superficial model of physical anatomy or chemical pheromones transmitted on the microscopic level. It’s style and presence encapsulated in muscles and height. Expression of movement that captivates our attention. A firm, assertive stance accompanied by thighs of steel and gluts of granite. Deep voices from hard, angular features in tandem with thick facial and body that we can’t keep our hands off of long enough to recognize much else. The rugged touch and grip as the sweat that perspires making us hot all over. To even the taste of another man’s lips. All enthralling symbols we are innately drawn and captivated by.

You see as men, we are more apt to physical expression compared to our female counterparts that are more expressive in emotion and speech. It’s all about what we see first and foremost. As we take this information in we immediately begin to categorize and evaluate. Effective but exponentially different modes of communication in which each gender dominantly employs one or the other. Whether it’s a compliment of a feature or shaping up an adversary, we act and react to what we see. From the evolutionary standpoint of our hunter-gatherer nature we are still heavily dependent on. So I’m not arguing the biology of why we’re this way.

At the same time, we can’t let that be the only thing that we process as what strength means. It is not only exhaustive to the masculine traits we are drawn towards. Some of us get to the point of fetishistic masculinity as if that is the only suitable attribute in a life mate. It becomes the only acceptable mode.  It’s because, again, it’s what we see and we are hard wired to do so. Goes back to the principle of yin and yang and having that. It’s common belief is that masculinity is dominance and control while femininity is submissive and obeying commands which isn’t true. As gay men we already defy the notion because of our attraction to men.

I didn’t learn how to be a man from that. I learned from my mother, who after my father died when I was an infant, took on the role of provider and the hunter/gatherer. She worked obnoxiously long hours to make ends meet yet still made time to throw a baseball around when she got home. She met and exceeded those needs of mine, even when she remarried and my step dad became a part of our lives. I know of course that experiences like mine either personify or diminish that initial evaluative mindset.

Some fail to see what we commonly consider as femininity as a strength. This assertion to me is contrary as the gay culture openly invites an almost worshiping of strong, self-sufficient pop stars and politicians that are women. So why is it shamed when we participate in the same behaviors? Ignoring the strength it takes to express the softer and emotional that provides so much more satiable relationships. In fact, that understanding makes all of our relationships better.

My point is that for whatever way you define what a man or masculinity is, to not let those concepts and ideals of what strength are. Be your only blueprint. Remember that the mind and heart are great and unimaginable sources of strength and passion. That the yin has the same attributes as the yang. Know that endurance is not always synonymous with muscles as it is with brainpower. Don’t let those initial characteristics be the only thing you see.