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DOMA & Prop 8 Struck Down, But The Fight Is Not Over

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What a monumental day in our nation’s history to finally see the wheels of change honor the integrity of freedom. To come closer than ever in making the words written by our forefathers centuries ago guaranteeing of all of us being treated equally. I am beyond ecstatic about today’s ruling. It means a great deal to me to see the joy and love between two people that have built a life together and fought so hard to have the same rights as straight couples finally be afforded the same right. As of today, 13 states have full and equal marriage.  To see so many couples today celebrate and look at each other with joy in knowing they won’t have to leave this country in order to share their lives with each other.

The warmth my heart felt knowing the beautiful love and union between Edith Windsor and her wife Thea Spyer, was legal, was recognized and it had given validation to a woman that kept the love of her departed so close to her heart. So much that it brings tears to my eyes with joy to think this woman has inspired us to stand and fight when we have been treated unfairly.

But I did not feel it as much as I wanted to. A part of me held back and tried to reconcile the tension I still felt with the historic moment in LGBT history.  And I knew after a few moments what it was. “We are not finished yet. We haven’t even begun to fight.” Maybe that’s why my mood became muted. Because the Supreme Court did not rule completely in our favor as I’d hoped, even with how unlikely that outcome. It made me feel like an outsider because I was holding back on celebrating with passion so many of my friends were exuding. 

And then I was angry. Angry at myself because despite the fact that it was not a sweeping victory it was all the same a monumental step forward so I felt this emotion was taking away from the joyous occasion that so many in this community are celebrating. It was giving me a migraine because that phrase kept coming to mind. So I laid down to calm my thoughts and asked why I felt this way. But my feelings were grounded in truth.

Is it because I know that in the remaining 37 states in this country, including my home state of Tennessee has a very long, hard battle ahead now that it is truly up to the states to decide the rights of millions of Americans. That the couples living here in the rural south that have worked their entire lives and entered long-term relationships for decades still do not have those federal rights that the New Colony states now have. Can still be denied the legal right to call the love of their life their husband or wife.

Or that as an African American it will be an even harder battle because of the Supreme Court’s decision to remove some provisions from the VRA. Some believe this means that states like Tennessee can rezone voting populations of any minority or pose extremely stringent regulations to keep other ethnic minorities from voting altogether to scheme and potentially win elections. To also deny us our right to marry. Who’s to say that this tactic wouldn’t be used against heavily populated LGBT areas to further prevent marriage equality in other states? All because enough justices felt that we live in a post racial society. I would say the family of Trayvon Martin greatly disagrees with that sentiment.

Neither I nor any other LGBT citizen of this country should have to move in order to have the same rights and if the deplorable actions of the GOP state senators from Texas last night are any indication of a time table of when all states will see marriage equality may be another generation. Or more. If we stay complacent.  So that means that there would be another Edith Windsor, this time from the south would have to endure the same pain of having to fight the government in order for her rights as a citizen to be honored.

And that’s why we have to fight now. That’s why we can’t just celebrate and get to work tomorrow on today’s problem. Because each moment we wait is still a moment too long someone is being denied the freedom to love and share their life with someone. We cannot wait and stop to just celebrate this victory. As we are gathering in bars and rooftop parties and in the streets tonight we need to also be discussing how we move forward because we have so much more work to do.

This doesn’t only pertain to marriage equality. We as a community are being denied more rights that affect our livelihood. We still can be fired for being LGBT in over half of the states in this country. So the decision of the Supreme Court today should give us more wind in our sails not tell us to dock safely at shore and sail another day.

Our persistence has begun to pay off and we are at the allegorical light where we make new beginnings. But we are still in that tunnel. Our journey for true and full equality has not ended. It has only gained momentum. It made me resentful towards the leaders in this community that decided to focus only on marriage equality and completely ignored the other rights that are just as important to our way of life. So we can celebrate our victory tonight but at the same time cannot afford to forget even for a moment how much more work needs to be done. 

I felt enormous guilt for my thoughts because again it appeared like I was taking a poignant moment away from those who also deserve it. But I should have no shame in how I feel because we are not done yet because we ALL deserve it. We all deserve the same rights and we all still face more foul, underhanded scare tactics that pretend to be the word of God from the mouths of man and tell us how to live our lives. So until we have completely won we must be willing to fight for ALL our rights.

So I ask everyone that had their marriage fully recognized to continue to fight. I know many have spoken the same words that I am writing today in how necessary it is for us to fight and have vowed to keep fighting.  But we ALL must be a part of the solution so there is no longer room for complacency on our part. That means organizations like HRC and GLAAD need to implement more advocacy not just in marriage equality, but ALL other rights we are being denied. Remember that these organizations that are celebrating right now were the same ones that were too afraid to even bring these cases up for the Supreme Court. We are in the middle of it so we can no longer tiptoe around the issues. The GOP is not wasting any time already looking for ways to overturn today’s decision, so we can’t waste time either. 

To those couples that don’t have to leave the country to continue to fight because we still need your help for states like Florida, Texas, and Arizona that have higher populations of binational LGBT couples hoping they don’t have to move or even worse separate. Hold on to that joy and use it to help initiate equality so that no other family has to endure what you’ve gone through.

Our fight for equality is not over. We cannot rest until we are all equal.

Dear Parents Of Gay Children

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Often I’m asked to approach all facets of coming out of the closet and today is no different. I’ve spent a lot of time talking about our process as we come to accept our sexuality. But I haven’t addressed how us coming out affects the people in our lives. Not just the everyday people that we may have to interact with at school or work. I’m talking about loved ones that are a part of our lives and care about. Our parents and siblings and extended family and even close friends.

See, often the process they go through isn’t talked about. Because while this journey is solely about your own self-discovery, when we come out, it is also a part of their lives and their stories. Talking about our process brings perspective and with that provides clarity for those who beginning the process. So I thought I would write a letter To Whom It May Concern to the parents that addresses their process as well as ours. Because we all go through a process. And we need to talk about it.

Dear Mom and Dad

Today, we shared with you one of, if not the, biggest secrets about who we are. Today we old you we are gay/lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. You don’t know how hard it was for us to tell you all this but it is a long, often challenging process that we do alone.We know that this is a process for you as well but there are some things you should know that we for various reasons may not be able to accurately express right now. We know that you are probably having varying levels of emotion right now so let us try to address some of what may be going on in your head. 

From a young age we already knew this about ourselves and how different we were from almost everyone else. We tried so hard at a young age to understand why we were so different than everyone else. At first we just couldn’t understand what this meant and we didn’t know how to articulate it. And maybe you saw the internal battle taking place but didn’t know how to address it either and we can’t fault you for that.

As we grew older, we came to make more discoveries of why and at this point, may or may not have come to accept it. Going through puberty is hard on everyone and this secret magnified our experiences. We were constantly bombarded with moments of confusion and fear to anger because of how some of us are bullied for being different. We wanted to tell you so badly what we were going through but feared your judgment more than anything else and it would be too much to handle. 

And then we reached a point that not telling the truth was too much because the thought of living the rest of our lives being someone we’re not was no longer worth it. And we, just like everyone else deserve a chance to be happy. From having the right career to good friends to being able to find a love of our own and possibly start a family, we deserve all of those things that you have envisioned. We’re also writing this because of some of the ways you may react to this and we want to address that as well.

We know at first you may not be accepting of who we are. You may struggle for months, even years after we come out. Sometimes even longer. We wish we knew how long it’ll take for you to accept the truth and somehow congratulate your child for being an exceptional being that embraced who they really are. All the while we wish that you would just hold us and take away the fear and anxiety that we are consumed with as we watch our parents struggle with this indelible truth. 

We know that you may be relentlessly examining everything that you have ever said or done with us to determine if there is something that you did wrong. Beating yourself up over if maybe you were too lenient or not strict enough. Searching for signs that you may have missed or interpreted differently. Wondering if you somehow showed that this “behavior” as you see it was something that you condone. These may be your thoughts as a parent’s first instinct is always to love and protect us. You want to ensure that we are safe and free from any pain or threat. Maybe that’s where your resistance to accept our sexuality comes from.

We know that a lot of times the experience of finding out your child is gay is erroneously compared to the death of a child. We of course know that being gay is nowhere near that devastating and we implore that you stop saying that. Because it is not devastating. Being LGBT is great. Maybe you compare it to death because you feel like the child you have always known (or thought they knew) no longer exists. Maybe it feels like the dreams that you envisioned when you first laid eyes upon us child are gone.

But we also know that isn’t true either. We know that we are able to have fulfilling lives and can have families just like straight couples. We are working on fighting for equal rights so we can marry the man or woman of our dreams. We can have children if we choose to do so. All the things that you envisioned for us are still possible.  It just doesn’t happen in the way that you thought it would, just like everything else in life. We are still alive and right in front of you. And we still want your warmth, guidance, and love.

Maybe you’re wondering why we didn’t tell you because you love and accept us no matter what and we are thankful. But there’s a lot of different reasons why. We feared being rejected and disowned by you and by society. We fear being bullied and beaten. We are angry at the prospect of being treated differently. Or we just wasn’t ready because this is a time of self-discovery and with that, some things we have to learn on our own. And even though you have supported us through everything else, we just weren’t ready because we were still processing it. 

We know you may say it is because of your beliefs that you don’t support who we are. And we need for you to know that with all of your beliefs that the one thing that you have taught us all our lives is to love no matter what. To show compassion and a willingness to learn something that we (you) do not understand.  And those beliefs taught both you and us to not judge the differences. That people are different and that this is no exception.

But we are our own people with our own thoughts and beliefs and truths that may not reflect your own, but we still love you just as much as when you kissed our scrapped knees and you took us to our first theme park and sleepovers. Our late-night chats about life. The hard lessons about discovering how cruel and how great the world can be. How to love and respect those around us. 

We know now that some things are different. And as our parents, you do have to learn the new rules. Just as we discovered as adults, we know you have to learn how certain phrases that made us cringe at and would make us cry ourselves to sleep at night are no longer acceptable. Because when those jokes at someone else’s expense are about us now too. And we say this all with all the respect and love that we have for them. 

Us coming out was not done out of contempt, malice, a challenge to authority or you grounding us for sneaking out of the house when we were kids. We told you because we want you to know us. The real us so that you see that we other than our sexuality, we are still your child with the same dreams.

We are here to remind you that we are still their children and are worthy of your love. That your fears and beliefs will not change that. We want you to know that under no uncertain terms was us being LGBT a decision that we were coerced into by wayward friends on the other side of the train tracks. It is simply how we were made. You have nothing to feel guilty about in that aspect.

We need you to know that this is not going to change and that this is who we are. We have learned that there is nothing wrong with being LGBT. You do however have a say in how you react and how you treat us. You can be open minded and let us share with you our experiences so that you can have clarity about it. You do have the power to show us that your love truly is unconditional. 

We don’t know how you will process this but we hope that you will at least try to understand. And we are willing to respectfully talk about this with you to help your process. In the meantime, we will continue to live our lives authentically and proudly as you have always taught us to do so. We hope that you will want to be a part of that journey as much as you were the moment you laid eyes on us. 

Love Always

Us 

Some of these elements of this letter is what I wrote my parents and I am forever thankful for their understanding and love. Even after I came out, and even with how unconditional the love my parents have for me, they still needed time to process me being gay. Because until I said it, no matter their suspicions, they still weren’t sure. They needed to hear me say it in order for it to be true.

We all faced some elements of this letter and that’s why I constructed it in this manner, hoping I touched on the varying ways that our parent’s reactions are after we tell them our reality. We hope that our parents will be open and ready for meaningful dialogue. Even though it may take time we have to live our own lives. Still this process is about you, and hopefully they will see that and show that their love truly is unconditional.

Read President Obama’s Message To A Girl With Two Dads

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With all of the frenzy in the atmosphere as a result of tomorrow’s several high-stake elections, here’s something to make you smile. A girl by the name of Sophia Bailey Klugh wrote to President Obama about his support of marriage equality as well to address how other kids treat her differently at school because she has two dads:

I am so glad that you agree two men can love each other because I have two dads and they love each other, but at school kids think that it’s gross and weird, but it really hurts my heart and feelings…. If you were me and you had two dads that loved each other and kids at school teased you about it, what would you do?

And President Obama took the time out to respond back to Sophia’s letter telling her that diversity is a thing to cherish and how our differences unite us:

Dear Sophia, 

Thank you for writing me such a thoughtful letter about your family. Reading it made me proud to be your president and even more hopeful about the future of our nation. 

In America, no two families look the same. We celebrate this diversity. And we recognize that whether you have two dads or one mom what matters above all is the love we show one another. You are very fortunate to have two parents who care deeply for you. They are lucky to have such an exceptional daughter in you. 

Our differences unite us. You and I are blessed to live in a country where we are born equal no matter what we look like on the outside, where we grow up, or who our parents are. A good rule is to treat others the way you hope they will treat you. Remind your friends at school about this rule if they say something that hurts your feelings. 

Thanks again for taking the time to write me. I’m honored to have your support and inspired by your compassion. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to dinner, but I’ll be sure to tell Sasha and Malia you say hello. 

Sincerely, 
Barack Obama

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what hope looks like. To reach out in times of dire need, frustration, and confusion to help promote understanding  Our world needs more leaders to reach out and show that they hear our voices, to simply now that those that govern our future care about us and not only listen, but address our concerns.

Words cannot express how imperative it is that you make your voice heard and vote. Help decide what our future will be like and the leaders that will help facilitate the change we wish to see in our country and our world.

Rupert Everett Doesn’t Like Gay Couples Being Parents And Still No One Cares What He Thinks

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In who really gives a damn what you think news, uninspired “actor” Rupert Everett decides to let the world know that he does not like gay couples raising children. In a recent interview, Everett particularly pointed to gay men having children:

“I can’t think of anything worse than being brought up by two gay dads. Some people might not agree with that. Fine! That’s just my opinion.”

Then he tries to clarify that he meant no harm but fails miserably:

I’m not speaking on behalf of the gay community. In fact, I don’t feel like I’m part of any ‘community’,” (well it’s probably when you make asinine comments like this, is why people in general don’t like you moron)“The only community I belong to is humanity and we’ve got too many children on the planet, so it’s good not to have more.”

Usually I would try to present both arguments to this debate but I’m not. Not wasting you the fellow reader’s time or my time. It it such a self loathing thing to say filled with arrogance and a severe lack of insight. Also keep in mind this isn’t the first time he’s said something flat out stupid. A couple of decades ago he encouraged gay actors to stay in the closet (remorse for his own flailing career? Most likely)

Is he entitled to his own idiotic opinion? of course, everyone is allotted that privilege. Is his opinion based on research? probably not. Is this recent statement a way to get attention? Probably.

Another Boy Scout Leader Fired Because He’s Gay

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Another leader in the Boy Scouts of America was forced to resign because he’s gay. Greg Bourke, father of two was a scout leader for both the Boys and Girl Scouts for Our Lady of Lourdes Catholic Church until his dismissal. Bourke had been a volunteer for five years and an assistant troop leader for three years.

Bourke says he was forced to resign while executive of Bourke’s troop group Barry G. Oxley claims that Bourke “disclosed he did not meet Scouting’s membership standards” which led to him being asked to resign. Originally Bourke refused to quit his position until he was told by the pastor of his church that the troop would lose funding if he didn’t resign. Oxley also stated that Bourke can still be involved as a parent and that “our members to treat those with different opinions with courtesy and respect at all times and to adamantly oppose the mistreatment of others based on any perceived difference.”. But is this not mistreatment forcing a man that has excelled at volunteering and others within the troop showing their support?

In July,  Bob Mazzuca, executive of the Boy Scouts, released a statement on the orgaanization’s policy on homosexuality:

“vast majority of the parents of youth we serve value their right to address issues of same-sex orientation within their family, with spiritual advisers, and at the appropriate time and in the right setting.”

This statement coincides with a prior statement made on the organization’s website after the Supreme Court ruling in 2000 that reaffirmed their right to refuse and dismiss openly gay members because they have the right under the First Amendment to express themselves freely in private or public:

 ”must have the right to establish its own standards of membership if it is to continue to instill the values of the Scout oath and law in boys. Thanks to our legal victories, our standards of membership have been sustained. We believe an avowed homosexual is not a role model for the values espoused in the Scout oath and law.”

Bourke says that he fears for the Scouts that come out as gay and are rejected from the close minded orgnaization commenting, “What kind of organization does that?”

The Boy Scouts and their refusal to accept LGBT has made several headlines and media coverage. Last month, Tim Griffin, leader at a Boy Scout camp, was fired after he disclosed that he’s gay. Griffin is currently seeking his job back after he delivered a petition to Boy Scout executives with over 70000 signatures. Also in April, Den Mother Jennifer Tyrell was also forced to resign after the organization discovered that she’s a lesbian.

Again I ask, with this mode of thought, are parents that have children who are gay supposed to keep their children at home? Isn’t the Boy Scouts supposed to teach you how to live within the environment and acceptance and leadership? What do executives and other Boy Scout officials think they’re teaching by saying LGBT aren’t welcome? I’m not saying the Scouts have to teach sexuality but I definitely think they should teach acceptance and this mindset is not that.

 

Horrific Final Message From Father To His Son: “Get Straight”

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In what this is messed up news, a man leaves a sadistic message final message to his son. Frank Mandelbaum, founder of  Intellicheck, an ID verification company, died in 2007 and left a message to his son, Robert, that in order to receive his inheritence he had to marry and have a child with a woman.

Robert married Jonathan O’Donnell shortly after their son, Cooper, was born via gestational carrier. It’s detailed in Frank’s will that any grandchildren born would receive a stake in the trust of $180000 which his other three grandchildren are already a part of. But there’s a sadistic catch to that.

An edict stipulates that the grandchild is unable to receive the trust if Robert is “not be married to the child’s mother within six months of the child’s birth.” So basically Robert would have to live a lie in order his children to receive. This makes Cooper ineligible to have the trust as Jonathan is the other parent and the egg donor is not involved in the child’s life.

Anne Bederka, a law guardian looking out for Cooper’s best interest stated

“Requiring a gay man to marry a woman . . . to ensure his child’s bequest is tantamount to expecting him either to live in celibacy, or to engage in extramarital activity with another man, and is therefore contrary to public policy. There is no doubt that what [Frank Mandelbaum] has sought to do is induce Robert to marry a woman.”

Robert feels that settling this legally because such a mandate to marry a woman knowing that he’s gay violates state law. Ann Freeman, wife of the deceased Frank stated in court papers that her husband’s estate would not allow Cooper to inherit from his grandfather’s estate:

“alleged that he had a son from a homosexual relationship which he believed should be a beneficiary . . . My husband’s will specifically prohibited such a child from becoming a beneficiary.”

Robert has said that his late father knew about his sexuality and about his husband, even noting that Jonathan was included in family vacations and dinners. Some sat that unless it has to do with employment that a last will can be discriminatory. How sad and honestly sadistic to leave that kind of hateful message to their family.