Tag Archives: black and gay

How Sports Can Teach A Gay Man (And Everyone Else) About Relationships

September 8, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsbear gay, bisexual men, bisexuality, black and gay, black stereotypes, communication in gay relationships, dating apps, football, gay analogies, gay couples, gay dating, gay dating profiles, gay growing pains, gay relationships, gay social dating apps, gay stereotypes, grindr, Growing Pains, heteronormative practices, homophobia in the African American community, interracial gay dating, intersectionality, intersectionality of race and homosexuality, misogyny, race and sexulity, racism in the gay community, scruff, seperatist logic, sports gay, Tennessee TitansWill Kohler

How often do you think about what attracts you to another person? Better yet does what attract you to someone affect how you treat others? What about how you view people that have relationships with different groups? These are questions I ask and write about a lot because I feel that once we truly understand what these questions mean along with all that encompasses them the closer we are to being able to truly have meaningful dialogue in recognizing if there are issues involving a prejudice towards a group of people.

It’s a mouthful while also being the opening to a very long-winded rant that involves being gay, being an African American and loving football but they all seem to relate to each other in my rambling thoughts. And I’ll try to show how sports are a lot like life in how we communicate with each other in our relationships. Improve your skills by playing at 918kiss the best online casino games.

You see the reason I’m on this topic again is because today, while watching the Titans game, I received a message from a so called friend who just casually wanted to chat and catch up (aka gossip). This guy loves to talk about who’s hot and who he’d like to date (and hell I love doing that too) but the Titans are my home team that I root for even when their defensive line is abysmal and offense is all over the place. So I wanted to watch (also scream at my TV when they’re doing great or awful or both) without any distractions.

But my friend is persistent and somewhat of an inquisitor of the human condition (or maybe I’m a pushover). Anyway, I yield on watching the game to focus on what he’s saying. He then asks why I don’t like black men (…what). Naturally the question both confused and angered me at the same time because for one it was random and came completely out of left field and secondly because I always know how conversations like this go. Someone will say something completely untrue and downright dumb followed by me very bluntly stating that their opinion is not only false but also dated.

They will then quickly try to recover by providing some “empirical evidence” to support their lofty opinion. But I will then proceed to pass over any reductive laundry list of examples to addressing why the question itself is out of bounds leaving them stumped and angry because they realize that the way they asked the question was insensitive and more than likely prejudiced.

And wouldn’t you know it the situation went exactly like I predicted it would. He went on saying that it bothers him when people don’t date their own race while I pointed out that sounds like his problem not mine. But I couldn’t leave it there and had to expand on it and figure out what this dated opinion came from so I asked for clarification.

He couldn’t think of a way to explain his point without making it sound worse so he then talked about tastes are innate also leading him to the conclusion that sexuality is concrete with no fluidity meaning he believes there’s no such thing as bisexual men. So he choose to go all in on his ridiculous small minded opinions.

If you follow football, or rather any sport, this conversation and ones like this are a lot like the game. Two opponents standing their ground making large plays to score points and win. Either opponent can fumble the ball (or the point they were trying to make). Either opponent can intercept the ball (conversation) to score another point (in support of their opinion). The time runs out and the person who’s made enough right points wins the game (argument/debate).

So at this point of the conversation it should be enough when I say that you know what? Even though the majority of men I’ve dated have been Caucasian that I’ve not only attracted to but have also had romantic relationships with every race and a diverse amount of a different ethnicity. That yes I am aware of race and color and ethnicity and aware of the differences and while I acknowledge those differences it does not inhibit arousal or sexual attraction.

But it doesn’t. Saying that will only add to his warped way of thinking. My explanations or reasoning would only exacerbate whatever closed minded opinion someone else is voicing while making me doubt how aware I am of these cultural aspects when dating.

If I had brought up how at one time I was foolish enough to believe that the societal norms, including sticking to your race, did not extend to the gay community when in fact in some settings it is amplified. Maybe that is due to not wanting to stick out more in society by engaging in an interracial relationship on top of a gay relationship. In my experience this is more true here in the south.

And some may say the same can be said about acceptance of the gay community by the African American community but that too is subjective. Fair points but in this setting it would’ve come off as trying to give all the responsibility on society when ultimately that decision will always be mine and mine alone, no matter the lifetime of influences.

Why do we even care that they have an opinion on who we should do/be/say/date/have sex with/love/marry could’ve been another point to win this argument. I could have expanded on how sexuality is a breathing changing entity of our being and as our tastes change so may how we define our sexual identity. Yet talking about it will always seem like defensive bitterness and frustration. And it is that, but not for the reasons some may think.

Because it’s not for your pity. Never for that so you can keep it or throw it away or better yet not pity people because its degrading and treats someone like they’re subhuman. But it’s important because we do need to know how and why people are drawn to each other. It helps us in a very delicate, subtle way understand where our negative beliefs began. While we are not initially hate and attraction are innate how we perceive them is learned. But bring that up still would not have proven my point.

Do you see now how conversations like this become a game? You on defense trying to make as many points to defend your opinion and your pride before the conversation ends. There’s interruptions (interceptions), Hell sometimes there’s even snarling. The only thing that really sets it apart is that there’s no gentle slap on the ass at the end.

The only time you should be concerned with who someone dates or what their dating preferences are is when they stereotype or categorize an entire group and completely exclude them from based on that backwards opinion. Like Grindr profiles that have “no chicken (people of African Decent) rice (Asian) but spice (Hispanic nonblack) is alright”. Those are the “it’s just a preference” people you should direct these conversations towards. I am not one of those people. But again that would give a point to him because it would appear that I may subconsciously do the same thing as the inept men that have racist dating profiles.

The whole conversation made me defensive as it always does because I never want to be made to feel like I have some quota to fill and should have to seek out other gay African American man in order for it to “look right”. And I don’t want anyone questioning the legitimacy of bisexuality. But either consciously or subconsciously that’ll be what runs through people’s mind for a split second when they don’t understand. That logic would mean that I question whether the next time I’m attracted to another African American man is that guilt or actual physical arousal.

This should be entertaining to the outside observer and the victor afterwards but conversations like this don’t turn out that way. It’s life. Because even though I won the argument I don’t feel like a winner. Especially when this exhausting exercise in logic always leaves you feeling on guard for the decisions you make solely based on your race or sexuality or both. Then you hopefully reach the moment of asking yourself why the opinions of others matter in what a person sees in a race or sexual orientation.

In the end I didn’t use the points that I knew both from experience and studying human behavior meant that instead of answering a question we have to ask more questions. Ask why it feels right to you when two people of the same race are together and uneasy when it’s two different races together. Ask yourself why you need to define what someone else’s sexuality is for them and why that bothers you when it’s different from your beliefs.

My point is that it’s circular and reductive and repetitive and you will again have to go out on the field and be ready to defend your position every single time you’re challenged if you go into conversations like this with that mindset. And the thought of having to repeat the same plays can at times be daunting leading up to confusion and doubt and uncertainty that anything was accomplished at all.

All puns intended when we take on this dynamic in discussing race or sexuality it sets up an us vs them mentality rather than exploring why some have these inaccurate convoluted beliefs. And even when they are right in questioning a person exhibiting self hating tendencies or homophobia (ie not dating one’s own race or trying to define someone else’s sexuality) we have to ask what lead them to see this and open the dialogue even more.

So sports can often reflect the strategies we partake in when we have these types of conversations. Like how some people need to fight in a relationship to prove they’re right just for the sake of argument because it gives them power rather than actually having a legitimate point. Now while I’m not saying life is a game but the way that we interact and choose to have these conversations do take on these dynamics.

Even though this form of communication is the way we are taught to settle debates it is not the way we should be discussing race or sexuality. We need to examine where these questions come from before answering them because when people have questions like my friend that is where he’ll find the answers.

And next time, let me enjoy the damn game in peace.

Confessions Of Gay Men Of Color, Your One Night Only Fantasy

August 22, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsactivists, African American stereotypes, anatomy of gay sexual practices, black and gay, Black Man stereotypes, black stereotypes, businessmen, completely, construction workers, exhibitionist, fetishization, gay couples, gay dating stereotypes, gay fetishes, gay hookups, gay interracial relationships, gay one night stands, gay people of color, Gay Sex, gay stereotypes, grindr, hard and slow, hypersexualization, marginalization of gay black men, men who have sex with men, mental health professionals, morning after one night stands, MSM, myth about black men in bed, one night stands, penis size, politely, racism, sadomasochism, sex, sex with gay black men, surly, teachers, tied to the floor or bed, voyeurism, We are yours, we at one point in time, youWill Kohler

We are yours, completely, to do all that you desire for only one night. One night only do we exist upon the same plane. We are your conscious come to life. A sexual yearning that needed scratching and the awakening of sexual arousal to satiate your physical appetite. The one wish you dare not speak aloud. But we will fulfill all that you require for just one night. And we will disappear in the first light of dawn, by your request, as usual. Our only purpose is to satisfy you for one night. Only one night.

We are selected from various social venues then inspected to ensure we meet the vision of your specifications. Your fantasies. We do not exist outside of the concepts of double rainbows and blue moons. Only between your sheets and between your thighs are we made salient. We are judged to make sure we can lift you and grab you, squeeze you tight in the rare moments when you seek our comfort. Your eyes calculate and measure to ensure that our mythical horn is what you’ve heard about behind closed doors. But if we appear too wild, surly, or untamed we are asked to leave because we may be too dangerous for your tastes. Then you relay this to us, politely, covertly, or bluntly.

Our mahogany, ebony, caramel skin absorbs the soft light of midnight, the only time in which you have the courage to summon us. While the rest of the world sleeps so they dare not discover this sinful encounter. Few words are exchanged both in text and in person. But we don’t need words because we will let our bodies speak for us. As the descendants of Mother Africa society sees us as the beast of humanity and throughout time has always been reduced to sex. To fuck. We have only one task to perform tonight. Just this night.

Our desires are made into yours. Our dreams of closeness and family and picket fences and soulmates and..love are extinct in this moment. We are not to be seen in daylight. We are the sexual beasts your fantasies yearn for. Our shaft your thighs our hands your sides. Smooth long strokes that shock and bounce you into place. You want us to massage and excite. We see the fear mixed with intrigue and desire in your eyes but we pretend to not notice. We are a mystery you dare not investigate beyond the faint breaths of passion to separate myth and lore from the real being inside of you. A man. You marvel at how much it aches to feel this good. This is your version of living on the wild side. For tonight only.

Our fingers electrify and excite you as you wonder what will happen next. Soft lip biting as our bodies groove into one. Our tongues explore and sensually sear the skin, igniting your body and mind. Then we stride inside, hard and slow, fast and rough. Each thrust and stroke to make your pulse race and raise your body temperature. The sweat only makes us work harder. It’s an elaborate dance we have done time and again. To you, sex is our only purpose only for tonight.

Standing up, sitting in a chair, tied to the floor or bed, pulling you up and down on us. You want us to stretch and collide inside your walls. Going as long and as hard and as deep as you wish. Then deeper. Your moans of delight as we await words or body movement to instruct us further. We whisper how good it feels and move our bodies with enough fervor to make your knees buckle. We will continue this mechanical dance until your toes curl and your back arches to the floor and await the moment you explode from inside and the orgasms lead us panting, gasping for air and some semblance of reality. We are your farm boy, your masseuse, chiropractor, doctor, chef, and lover all at once. For tonight only.

Our supple lips trace with excruciating precision all over your body. You have been convinced we are the experts and are to implement all activities while you can lay back and enjoy all of our efforts. To you we are the beasts of night and only when deemed tame enough are we permitted with going through your checklist of explicit challenges designed to stimulate. But only until the sun rises.

You will ask us to role play for you. To be the aggressive representation the media portrays us as. To playfully reverse centuries old roles and be the master while you are our slave. The beast. Soul is only required in rhythm. Because, in your mind, this is our only specialty. Because to you outside this sexual sanctuary we do not exist. We are just a fantasy.

We are artists, doctors, lawyers, mental health professionals, teachers, construction workers, students, businessmen, investment bankers, activists, and leaders but all that fades in the allure of moonlight. Because we can only serve one purpose, you, for only one night.

And you may call upon us again when you allow your mind to think of we satisfied your thirst, when you are ready to drink from us again and require your body to be caressed and satiated with sexual fantasies. We are not to call or text you, we are not to want to know more about you, we are not even allowed to address that we know each other in daylight for fear that it will expose our sinful transgressions.

Because we are not suitable to meet your friends and loved ones because they either come from a different time or would be unable to appreciate our nights of passion. We cannot make them or you uncomfortable. And for the most part, we at one point in time, will silently accept these terms, out of necessity to satisfy our own desires. Or to somehow prove we are more than the shapely figures you passionately hold onto while driving you into ecstasy. Or when we aren’t strong enough to see differently believe that is our sole purpose. That we exist, to you, for only one night.

The above is a compilation of conversations and submitted writings I’ve collected over the past several months from some of the experiences that gay men of color have experienced. Often we are only seen as sexual beings only capable for having a hot passionate night of sex. We are fetishized and perceived be to voyeuristic and exhibitionists that sometimes borders on sadomasochism. Some of us are but not all just as any other race. But sometimes we are only seen as this stereotype.

Not even necessarily saying the stereotype or rather the hypersexualization of African American men and other men of color is necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, (with the exception of referring to us as sexual beasts cause that is offensive. And racially insensitive). Remember this is the stereotype that is supposed to work in our favor.

But a real problem arises when you only think of us as sexual beings that only want to have sex all the time. That we don’t have dreams and aspirations and goals outside of that. That we don’t want to build lives together with significant others, to someday have families and being a part of healthy, successful long-term relationships when most of us do want that. This is a perfect example of how some so called good stereotypes still work out negatively for that biased group of people.

When only these stereotypes are believed it can make venturing into interracial dating difficult. How are we going to be able to interact with those that believe that’s all we are capable of being? How are we to overcome being interested in someone or trying to invest time into knowing someone who is terrified of introducing us to their parents and friends?

What do we tell the gay people of color that are apprehensive of having interracial relationships when they’ve been told, “This would be so much easier/less complicated/better if you weren’t black”? Can’t tell us to just stick to our race because not only is that racist but also not always feasible, especially when you live in areas or cities where there are only a handful of out gay men of the same race. Is it our responsibility to challenge these misconceptions every single time we come across them?

These questions are why I reached out over the past few months to some of the gay African American and other gay men I knew to talk about some of the issues we’ve come across in our experiences. We discussed how sometimes we are referred to the mythical beast, a belief that transcends sexual orientation. Because sometimes we are sexualized and made to feel like we can only have one purpose, sex. Now don’t get us wrong, the men and myself included love sex. Love everything about sex. But it is jarring to only be seen as a sexual object. That us dating and interacting with interracial relationships it is something we come across from time to time.

While discussing this we were also aware that there are a few gay men of color that may use this stereotype to their advantage. They may play into the troupe to get what they want and it’s so easy to just go with the vibe of having a great night of sex with no anticipation of commitment. It could be that these men have completely bought into this stereotype and see no reason to investigate further that is reflective of a learned helplessness. But I have found that this is likely the exception to the rule.

And the men and I that have discussed this topic are not saying that this happens every single time we involved with interracial relationships but it does happen often. We brought this up for those that do only see us as sexual beings and remind them that no one with self-worth wants to be seen as a robot that only exists to fill some sexual request. We just wanted to shine a light on how marginalizing a group of people to having only one purpose still is negative, no matter how purportedly good the origins.

It is only our responsibility as gay men of color to be aware of this for our own well-being and not have to teach this each time we come across it. We’re saying everyone should actively investigate the perceptions they have about a group of people, even when that stereotype is perceived to be inherently good.

By sharing this unique collaboration of experiences that we encourage people to think about the perceptions they have a group of people and go beyond that. Learn and investigate on your own. To make note of when you only see people that way, you end up missing out on truly knowing us and finding out the things about us that have much more significance than a fun night of sex.

*Special Thanks to the seven extraordinary men that helped contribute their experiences into this article. And as always my journals for helping me recognize my worth early on when I first came out.*

Actress Raven Symone Comes Out On Twitter

August 2, 2013Entertainment, Tweet Of The DayAmerica's Next Top Model, black and gay, coming out, in the closet, LGBT actresses, marriage equality, Raven-Symoné, same sex marriage, Thats So RavenWill Kohler

There have been numerous speculations and rumors on whether a celebrity is gay and that is certainly true about That’s So Raven and The Cosby Show star Raven Symone. Many just presumed the actress was dating America’s Next Top Model contestant AzMarie Livingston as they were living together for some time. But nothing had been explicitly confirmed by Symone on her sexuality until she tweeted that she can finally get married and expressing gratitude:

This statement is after the country celebrated Minnesota and Rhode Island officially allowing same sex marriage as of yesterday. Symone went on to retweet followers expressing their support as well as addressing the rumors on the actress’s sexuality:

But is most important is that Symone did it in her own way and on her own time. Instead of addressing the rumors she did what anyone should do which is continue to live her life the way she chose to. And she decided to announce her sexuality in the same way. If only every one would take this and other instances of people, celebrity or not, being able to express their sexuality and who they are on their own time and no one else’s schedule. Too often people believe that you owe them your story but that isn’t true at all. This is your journey so anyone else that has the mindset of telling you when you should express that needs to have a seat and realize that it is your life. Coming out is about taking ownership reclaiming your identity, not pacifying what is expected of you from other people.

Congrats Raven on your official coming out day

From Summer Flings To Fond Memories Of People Places & Things; New Tales Of Growing Up Gay

July 17, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsbeing gay, black and gay, coming out, fireworks, Fourth of July, gay couples, gay kisses, gay lifestyles, gay love, gay men, gay romance, gay stories, gay storytelliing, gay summer flings, growing up gay, homophobia, Homosexuality, process of coming out, reasons for staying in the closet, rules of attraction, staying in the closet, summer flings, summer love, summer of love, tales of growing up gayWill Kohler

So it’s really late and today has been a really crappy no good soul crushing day from start to finish. As I was processing all that occurred I received a really sweet message about my first tale of growing up gay and it brought the first genuine smile to my face all day. It’s amazing how serendipitous life can be. And as a personal thank you to all that have shared your own stories with me because I have shared mine, I’ve decided to open my journals yet again and share more of my tales of growing up gay. Thanks for reading and enjoy!

The time of adolescence is always marred with confusion, doubt, and an immeasurable amount of angst. But during those times of our lives we are awakened to the innate desires that make us who we are. And at sixteen, I was the epitome of all those geeky, awkward moments indelibly etched in memories that at the time we hope we never remember but as we grow older we are so thankful for being a part of. Doesn’t hurt that there was a hot guy that was a part of it.

This was not a time of new discoveries, or at least that’s what I believed before all this happened. For I had already began to discover who I was and having a good idea what I had always been, I still was not willing to accept that I was gay. Especially as the very introverted teenager I had become. Building toy models, holding down a job as cultivating and farming tropical fish from my aquariums in my bedroom. Always reading about different worlds and people but I somehow unwilling to interact with the people in the real world. And always writing in my journals trying to decipher why the world was the way it was and why people do the things they do that contradict their actions. But I learned it was a time of sweetness, and summertime flings.

I had not yet reached the level of confidence that I now have as a man that contrasts the meek adolescent I was back then. It wasn’t that I had a hard time being social, far from it. I’ve never had a problem of being able to talk and engage in meaningful conversations with people. It’s just that back then, I really had no desire to interact with my peers or forge new relationships. I know now that it was because of fear. Fear of someone noticing even more how different I was from all the other guys.

I knew that I had an attraction to other guys. My body had a bad habit of showing me how much I liked my own gender through involuntary dreams and involuntarily body movements. I knew it meant I was gay but was still deep in denial and wondering why God had made me this way. So I was experiencing the basic rules of attraction and the stages of coming out all the time. Thinking about it all the time because while at school I was constantly being reminded of it with no control over when these strong emotions happened.

That’s why I was so glad that summer break arrived to finally give me a reprieve. So I wasn’t constantly around guys that made me think about being gay or around girls that reminded how I was not attracted to them. So I spent the time reading and writing and selling the tropical fish I had farmed to support my hobbies of buying comics and building toy models or designing wood sculptures. And I loved taking long strolls through the country woods as the sun set and by the creek. Who knew that this daily walk would soon bring all the things I was running away from directly in front of me once again?

My childhood home was deep in the woods, the sparse neighborhood was surrounded by tall stoic trees were delicately woven in waves of green hills and farmland. The air was always fresh and a lingering sweet perfume that invigorated, even on the muggy, humid days in Tennessee. On a particular day in early June I took the daily route through the trees and down the path to the creek during sunset. Honeysuckles pilfered the air as the sky turned gold and rouge with splashes of fuchsia and magenta. As I was lost in the clouds I heard a branch crack and my eyes darted towards the source that had broken my daydreaming sequence. And there was this guy around my age staring back at me.

At first I tensed up because in the south you’re taught to always be ready for two things: a fight and for love because they both can happen at a moment’s notice. He was tall and lanky with olive tanned skin and stark black hair. Intense blue-green eyes and a chiseled smile that could crack rocks. I was in awe. Staring at him trying to take in what I was seeing while telling my brain to stop racing the thousand thoughts zooming at top speed making me unable to speak. He said hello and I kept staring, Repeated himself and I kept staring. He tilted his perfect head of curly hair and he turned to walk away when I began cursing at myself out loud because I hadn’t said anything. He turned back around and said it was cool. And I melted.

After the embarrassment wore off we introduced ourselves. “Sam” as I’ll refer to him here was athletic and charming. A year older than I and a running back for his old high school team. He had just moved into our widely spaced out neighborhood and hated how country everything was. We talked about TV, movies, videogames and just about everything else for three hours. We met up every day after that and did more of the same. I felt like I had a new friend but every time we were around each other those same racing thoughts and feelings came rushing back to me.

A few days before the 4th of July another neighbor who was my age showed up with her friends by the creek, no doubt seeing us cut up there every afternoon for several weeks. The ladies were all inquisitive to the magazines we were reading to spark conversation and I, as naively can be sometimes, and ignored all the signals that they were flirting with us. So I forgot to feign interest to mimic the way Sam was interacting with them. He flirted back and showed how strong he was while I rolled my eyes and continued reading. I was feeling jealous because I wanted him to flirt that way with me. Then I made snide passive aggressive comments, which is a clear departure of my subtle and docile nature.

When Sam asked what was wrong with me I panicked so I stormed off and he trailed for a few paces before placing his hand on my shoulder to turn me around to see I was on the brink of tears. Concerned, he asked what was wrong and my emotions were running wild so before I could process what generic answer to give I blurted out “why don’t you talk to me the way you talk to them” and I was mortified by what I had just said aloud. I hadn’t even accepted that I was gay so how the hell had I just exposed myself to someone relatively new? Sam was puzzled at first and then had the look of “Oh, he’s one of them” and I was even more upset because he knew, and obviously didn’t feel the same way. So I ran home and cried myself to sleep, worried he would tell someone else.

Days past but Sam didn’t show up at our usual meet up place. I was hoping that he’d just forgotten the prior events but that was most likely what kept him away. The next day Sam showed up at my house wanting to hang out like nothing happened and I was more than happy to oblige. we talked about our plans for the 4th that I worried were scrapped but Sam still wanted to continue on. Then while we were talking about bottle rockets Sam brought up how his uncle who was gay taught him how to light them and stared rather awkwardly back at me. I became angry and he said he didn’t mean anything by it (he did) so we tensely went back to going over the inventory of fireworks we collected. Sam then stopped and said “I’ve thought about it too” and ran out the door at what seemed like an actual rocket. Couldn’t process what it meant. Did it mean he was feeling the same way or was he just talking hypothetical. But I didn’t want to lose our friendship so the next night when we met up to pop fireworks I pretended he never said it. And so did he…

So we went on with normal conversations until interrupted by thunder. A storm was coming in and we had to hurry if we were going to do. We reached to the top of the hill we picked out and set up everything to get the fireworks going. We started setting off more than originally planned and as Sam lit up another round one went off unexpectedly and went past his head grazing him near his eye.

He fell down and I took a knife to cut off a part of my shirt to cover the wound. it spooked us both more than anything. But I just wanted him to be safe and okay so I was doing my best to tend to it and gingerly cleaning it. Then he looked at me I guess seeing the concern. Sam smiled at me in a way he never had before and I returned the expression. It all happened so fast but it began to rain with lightning flaring up the night sky. But instead of collecting the fireworks we both instinctively lit more up to match the sky. We were out in the middle of an open field lighting off firecrackers in the middle of a heavy thunderstorm which retrospectively was stupid but in that moment made us feel alive. Immortal.

So we lit the last one, a cannonball together and stepped back and it shot up so high it looked like it hit the lightning and we jumped and slid backwards with us falling over each other staring each other in the face. His eyes danced as he said what to do next. Time froze like it had when I was younger but this time the sensation and emotion I felt was not friendly as it was in third grade. It was romance. It was perfect. He touched my hand and the next thing I knew I instinctively wrapped my hand around his jaw and kissed him.

For a split second I panicked at what I had so impulsively done and was about to withdraw until I saw him close his eyes and kiss me back. I couldn’t believe this was happening but didn’t stop myself but at the same time I did not want to admit how right it felt. I didn’t want to think so I continued until the rain let up like a sign it was time for it to end. We walked back without saying a word and didn’t talk to each other for a month. The next time I did see Sam. he was holding the hand of the neighbor that had visited us before with her friends. They were a couple, and I retreated back into my world of toy models and exotic aquarium fish only this time a bit more confused and more grown up than I had left it.

Months later Sam randomly walked up to me when no one else was around asking if we were cool and I said we were. Then said what happened was just being curious and I quickly agreed to silence the tension building. He smiled and patted me on the shoulder like he had the first time and kept it there for a moment. Then he smiled and rejoined his girlfriend who was waiting for him.

We have kept in touch over the years and are still friends and when we talk about this story we refer to it as a nice moment between friends. He and his wife have been happy for over a decade and when the three of us do talk about that time openly we don’t spend hours on end debating if Sam may be gay or bisexual but rather that two people can share a moment like this and it is all it was. People experiment so I don’t want readers to think that there was more to it on his part.

The point of sharing this particular tale is to remind us of even when it doesn’t work out the way we planned that we can appreciate those moments that meant something special to us. Even when it ends abruptly for no reason. Even if the person you shared it with turned out to be someone completely different than you expected. Even if you find out that they don’t feel the same way that you felt. We can always appreciate how it made us feel and how for a little while we felt a dream coming to life. And if we can remember that lesson, we know that taking control and making those dreams is possible so long as we are open to them when the opportunity comes to you. To remember there is always something new when we least expect it.

After all, it was summer

When Are We Going To Reach Out To Each Other To Stop The Violence and Oppression

July 16, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsabortion, black and gay, civil rights, feminism, gay civil rights movement, gay rights, GLAAD, homophobia in America, homophobia in the African American community, HRC, intersectionality, intersectionality of race and homosexuality, Jesse Jackson, Juror B37, Marco McMillian, Mark Carson, media coverage, NAACP, prejudice vs racism, race and homosexuality, race and racism, racism in America, racism in the gay community, sex and homsexuality, Suffrage Movement, Trayvon Martin, Womens RightsWill Kohler

These truly are trying times for our society where we have to ask what we are doing wrong. Why are the issues of racism, homophobia and sexism still plaguing our society? Why are the freedoms, rights, and protections that many have fought and died for in generations’ past being circumvented by those proclaiming God’s Law into the laws of man? Why do we have to fear for the safety of our children now, with more awareness and social consciousness, than any other generation before us while protections against discrimination are being ripped away? Why are women beginning to lose complete, autonomous control of what they can or cannot do with their bodies? Why are minorities still facing so much adversity?

The truth is that those issues never left us, rather they are momentarily placed in our periphery until we are forced to see what our extremists, or ignorance, or complacency has brought upon us. You see, the questions are never easy to say out loud while admitting the complexity to the answers because doing so leaves us with even more confusion than before. A quick look at the highly biased media is a testament of the roller coaster for the past several months and what it means to be a minority in this country.

Our very existence has been the epicenter for challenging the opinion of social constructs, political reform and change. The lows have been painful and the highs brief because it shows how much more work needs to be done. But the worst part of all of this is when adversity, animosity and sometimes violence that is being directed at us, those of us that understand the plight because it so often mirrors the same struggle, is never held prolonged attention to the other groups. In other words we don’t help each other out.

We are fragmented. We see each other during moments of great pain but don’t take the active steps to ease the pain. Possibly even prevent them. Why? Because one group feels like even though they understand our pain that they don’t truly know it. Or that by that associating with that group will make them look worse. Or complacency. Or apathy. Or who knows what else.

So much debate is also centered on how we are not listening to each other. What’s in place is awkward statements, tension then resentment. We should be united and feel united not like forced coworkers we exchange pleasantries to keep up appearances. Kind words are wonderful in times of great pain, confusion and doubt. At least they are for the short term. But what happens months later is a fleeting memory because we as a society have adapted the mentality where we will discard anything we feel does not directly affect us. Then this cycle of no progress continues. But we cannot allow it to continue this way.

As a gay African American man I do not always feel completely welcomed in the two groups I belong to. Maybe that is some latent insecurity of mine that I haven’t dealt with that bubbles up to the surface. Or maybe it is because I see the dissension between these two groups. Maybe it’s because of the numerous times one or both has confronted me about the other part of me they are unable to fully accept because of preconceived notions. I know it’s not just me that experiences the same sensation.

And when people like me witness tragedies that affect one group the most being ignored and cast aside it makes me extremely frustrated and sad. It makes me think of how much more progress would be made if these groups united together under the same cause. That I am constantly hoping that these groups will see the vested interests they share more rather than the differences. That all these groups will come together work together while supporting each other.

Just because we belong to a marginalized group does not mean we cannot not hold the same prejudices towards another minority. We cannot afford to be only for “us” anymore. We have to be for everyone.

For instance today a letter recognizing the travesty in our judicial system that denied Trayvon Martin and his family the justice they deserved this weekend was sent as a means of comfort. Will any efforts to prevent further travesties be made by the core LGBT groups like how to prevent things like this from ever happening again or will it be forgotten?

When will HRC and GLAAD and other Gay Inc. organizations realize that marriage equality is not the only focus that this community needs? When will they notice that there are people of color that are targeted in the same manner Trayvon was which led to his murder. That more comprehensive attention needs to be focused on the members of this community that feel like they have no voice at all because both sides continue to believe the other will take up the slack?

Same goes for the African American community leaders like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. When will the NAACP take steps to be truly inclusive of all its brothers and sisters that feel left out because our needs as queer men and women are far too often ignored? How many more cases like Mark Carson or Marco McMillian are going to happen before they acknowledge that there are people of color being left behind? Are they willing to see the bias that exists within the organization? Is it fear or willful ignorance that I feel like barely a mention was given to either of these men in a time where being of two minorities makes some of us even more 0f a target for hate, discrimination, and violence.

The story of Carlos Vigil is a prime example of the need for unity. This teen felt so lost because of the pain and shame that was being placed upon him that he felt he had no other reprieve than to take his own life. Were there other factors that contributed to his untimely passing like that of his ethnicity or race? Sadly we will never know the answer but why ever leave something like that to chance? It is our responsibility as activists and advocates to stop assuming and reach out whenever we see someone struggle, whether they belong to our community or not because they are all a part of community.

So where do we start? We need to look at various organizations that are fighting for equal rights. I’ve written several times about the intersectionality that exist within our society that makes so many feel left out because they are being left out, cast aside, or sadly forgotten. This dichotomous existence, an intersection of self where one’s cultures conflict or are apathetic to each other. It’s like a family where we see two parents fighting in front of their child then looking for them to pick a side. It makes coming out harder because you feel like no one will listen to what problems you face by other members of either community.

This is not limited to LGBT people of color. It goes with gender, class, age, education, and many other demographics work within this paradigm. It is a demanding emotional exercise to constantly feel you have to reconcile aspects of yourself that within yourself work so well but to the rest of the world doesn’t fit. Ignoring it by the leaders of these groups only make it worse.

We see that lesson in the interview given by Juror B37 of Trayvon’s case as a prime example of what willful ignorance looks like and what happens afterward. All the while she describing why a she sided with a murderer rather than a child, her rhetoric was nothing but it’s not our problem, its theirs”. She so easily believed that the issues we have faced in the past like racism have already been dealt with when in reality they still plague our society. Since she believed it didn’t directly affect her that she only focused on the person she related to, the murderer.

Another example is the controversy surrounding the Cheerios commercial of an interracial couple and their daughter that was subsequently followed by the torrents of racism after it aired. Then we see children being interviewed about the controversy and then are grateful to hear they are fine with the notion of races mixing. It’s heartwarming and innocent. But it is also a part of the problem. We assume all will be well even from not knowing if the sample of children that participated in this feel good antidote was demographically diverse. Because if they were all from big northern metropolitan cities like New York, they aren’t a true representation because there are children in the south that certainly would have already been taught to hate differences.

What I’m saying is that our society too often is willing to blindly accept anything that helps them escape the truth. And even though we should be concerned with how our views affect the future, we need to be just as focused on the adults who have the power now. The ones that are on varying levels teaching hate. This is an example of us not dealing with what is right in front of us. It makes us complacent and more willing to accept more of the same.

Well I’m sorry but I have had enough of that formula. There is too much frustration and hurt that means we have to make analogies or be crass in order for you to hear our collective voices when we tell each other we all have a component the other side(s) need. How many more times will we keep ignoring each other instead of taking formal steps to build the nonexistent bridges?

I do not want these layers of prejudice and hate and ignorance and apathy and division we quietly accept in this country to pass on to another generation. I do not want our generation to continue the same traditions of fear based either in faith or bigotry that we encourage by not openly discussing our differences to bring forth understanding. And I don’t want us to continue the dialogue where we are too rigid in our mindset or beliefs that we are bot at least willing to see and hear a viewpoint different than our own.

There are a lot of families in pain right now. We need to ensure that no other family has to go through it.

What Not To Say In Interracial Gay Dating Situations

June 15, 2013Featured, Opinions and RantsAdam 4 Adam, African American and Gay, black and gay, gay culture, gay dating, gay dating apps, gay group dynamics, gay interracial dating, gay interracial relationships, gay lifestyles, gay prejudice, gay relationships, gay social dating apps, grindr, group dynamics, institutionalized homophobia, institutionalized racism, interracial dating, intersectionality, intersectionality of race and homosexuality, racial insensitivity, racial sensitivity, racism in the LGBT community, scruff, sexual insensitivityWill Kohler

Dating can be rough, regardless of sexual orientation but sometimes we can make it a lot harder than it has to be. There’s also a lot of things to consider when romantically pursuing someone you’re interested in, regardless of whether it’s for something long term or just a one night stand. There are things we know we have to be aware of and keep in mind the entire time we’re interacting with these other guys. With that said you’d think there are certain things you should already know when interacting with someone you’re trying to get to know better.

For instance if a person is extremely short you aren’t going to make a comment about how it must be easy for them to reach smaller cupboards are you? No you aren’t. Well at least you shouldn’t bring attention to it. Why? Because it’s rude and whether or not they’ve had with it. Or it could make them self-conscious about something they never had a problem with? And that goes for other physical attributes like birthmarks, speech impediments, physical or mental differentiation in ability. And race, which is what I’ll be focusing on today.

Earlier this week after picking up some healthy nutrition (more like 3 family sized bags of Peanut M&M’s) I noticed a guy was watching my every move. It wasn’t a stare so much as it was one of those looks that someone gives that wants you to notice them. So I turned around and did my default response of whenever someone seems interesting which is an eyebrow raised and I lite tilt of the head. He smiled and returned the gesture.

His eyes appraised me from top to bottom (no pun intended) It appeared that I had passed whatever requirements he had in deciding if someone was attractive/interesting. I have this thing where my eyebrow goes up when I’m smiling and he placed his hand on my shoulder and he commented on how strong he presumed I could be. Then that proceeded into me saying a few sexual innuendos that I won’t bore you with as they were a bit off the cuff and a bit dirty.

All really fun and playful banter. He had an amazing smile and a sweet airy laugh. He loved shifting his weight on either foot to begin and end his thought process. It was all endearing within those first few moments. I was really enjoying the conversation and was ready to forget everything else I had planned for the day go hang out with him right at that moment. But then as he was laughing at our small talk, his expression changed slightly to what only I assume to mean he had something serious to say. He lightly touched my arm and said,

“You’re so cute. Funny. I’d like to get to know you. Seem like one of the good blacks that speak well.”

Seem like one of the good blacks that speak well

THE GOOD BLACKS

All the smiles and playfulness on my face was immediately replaced with revulsion and intense anger. I replied saying why the hell he would say something so racist, forgetting temporarily in that moment that when people say things like that they truly believe they’re paying you a compliment when in fact it’s a huge insult. Needless to as that it completely desiccated any amorous feelings I had for this effervescent man. So instead of enlisting into what I’m sure would’ve been a very heated debate on manners, I collected my belongings and left him standing there in the parking lot.

I wish I could say that this was the first and only time someone has said something like this. Or that I’ve only heard it a dozen times or so. But in reality I have heard this phrase too many times to count from some well-meaning guy something so crass. So many decisions are based on the potential length of the relationship with the first few minutes. You have to convey so much within the first few seconds that you all attributes you want to be known (single/married, looking for sex/looking for love, top/bottom/vers). But when you say something completely asinine like the gentleman in this story you eviscerate any ground you made.

All the things you were silently trying to micromanage onside your head becomes only focused on what you believe he’s focused on. Since he brought up my race, then how am I supposed to focus on anything else? Sure there is a lot of pressure from your inner monologue tell you to decide within this small frame of time what to say and what you should not say. These situations seem to be magnified when there

You see what the problem is with comparing someone to the rest of their race, or other tall or short people, guys with birthmarks, stutters or any other thing that you see as unique, different or outside the box, is that it is a problem for you because that is all you seem to focus on. Too often talking about race in the gay community is dismissed and made taboo because it is just assumed that you can’t be racist if you’re gay. But just because you come from one oppressed group does not mean you know everything there is to know about every other oppressed group.

As I was discussing this with colleagues and close friends they wanted me to elaborate on a few points about intersectionality and how race does affect dating in this community. So I wanted to write about some of the things I feel are the biggest issues and point out some things that I feel arise in these situations that if we remember in these situations you won’t offend a person and actually see them as a person. But more specifically these are some of the issues that arise the most.

You don’t have to tell us that this is the first time you’ve ever went out with an African American or anyone outside your race because more than likely we are the first. Even though we are becoming more diverse by the day, most of the dating pool is in the gay community is comprised of Caucasian males. I know you aren’t going to know each and every phrase. No you don’t need some special manual to interact with me. Just be authentic and treat me as I do you’ as a person.

That doesn’t give you an excuse when you’ve said something we feel is insensitive. You can express how you didn’t see it as offensive but try to understand why we are upset. Just like with being gay, there are a lot of intricate levels of insensitivity to institutionalization of racism. In any case when you’ve offended someone you care about, apologize first then talk about it.

No you are not responsible for knowing every sensitive, intricate detail of what it means to be an African American in this country for the man you’re dating. You don’t have to know the reasoning of every time we are offended by something that is insensitive to the color of our skin. But understand there are so many varying levels you may not see. So when your guy points it out, both of you should be willing to listen to both sides.

Remember how it is when someone straight dismisses you for something you feel is homophobic/insensitive to LGBT? The same rule applies here. Because you may not notice the same things that we do. And we see it from a lifetime of patterns that let us know that the intent of statements like “you’re so articulate” can sometimes mean “I don’t think African Americans are smart, intelligent human beings”

So don’t ever dismiss the way we feel. Ever. Even if you don’t agree and are unable to see what we see. Just because you don’t see what the issue may be known that it may not always affect you even though we are together that it will always affect me.

Yes you can engage in conversations about race and race relations. It affects you just as much as it affects me, just not in the same way. You sitting there listening to me giving a speech about what you did wrong or what I found offensive by what someone has said or done will do nothing but make both of us resentful. Open dialogue is what changes perspectives and fosters understanding.

Don’t tell us why you think we are the exception to our race like the story I shared earlier. It makes us feel like we are some type of anomaly of an otherwise undesirable race of people we belong to and are a part of. Telling us we are a contradiction to a stereotype given to our race implies to us that you believe those stereotypes to be true and that even though you show no evidence to the contrary that we are still capable of those behaviors. So on some level you only see the person as a stereotype or a contradiction of a stereotype, and not the person. Stereotypes imply that we are susceptible, regardless of action and behavior.

You see color. Unless you have some kind of differentiation that does not allow you to see color or are visually blind you see color. When someone says “I don’t see color” that means that you are going to ignore when (sadly not if, but when) something comes up about race. Whether that be an inappropriate comment from you or someone else. See the current politically correct thing to say is phrases like I don’t see color to show that it doesn’t factor in who you’ll choose to date. You can’t say that you enjoy learning about different cultures and perspectives and say you don’t see color. Because you do see color.

But again it’s a generalization, and no one ever wants to be considered the “other”. We all notice differences in culture, race, and ethnicity. All of us need to learn that when it comes to race, sexuality, pretty much anything that is innately different to us, does not equal better or worse. Just different. We are still a society that is obsessed with hierarchy and order instead of incorporating even playing fields for everyone.

I am not just my race so when you focus on that it is all I believe you will ever see when you look at me. If all I believe you can see is what’s on the surface then why would I want to go deeper with you? Spoil you? To put all the effort necessary into building a strong stable relationship or one of the hottest, most passionate hookups ever? Because you are only seeing the surface. And I am better than that. Even certain myths and stereotypes (no matter how true they may be) that on the surface shows a group in a positive light are based in discrimination and hate.

Be open and ask. Be open to the fact that perspectives are going to be different. Patience and understanding is rewarded to those that are willing to hear both sides of an argument/view/opinion. When we listen even when we don’t agree because it allows us to see why we feel the way we do.You should never be afraid to ask someone you’re with why something is the way it is. Just don’t treat it like a science project that you’re collecting data for. Don’t understand something? Ask. We are not silently blaming you for the actions of ancestors long gone, but we cannot ignore that their actions still affect us. So talk. As often as necessary.

Not everything will be about race, Far from it. But don’t pretend that these issues won’t arise because they will, just like every relationship. This isn’t to detour you from pursuing someone you’re interested in. These situations only become a big issue is because as a community we actively choose to ignore it and not talk about it. And just like any relationship when communication is down, everything falls apart.

But let me make this clear that this is no more work than if you were dating someone of the same race. I’m pointing this out because it is obvious and something you can see thus making it easier to address. This is to remind those that have always wondered but been unaware of how to approach it. We can’t change it if we ignore it. So scenarios like the story I told earlier still being a reality today fade into history where they belong.

You Will Not Make Me Choose Between My Race And My Homosexuality

June 1, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsblack and gay, Black Caucus, civil rights, civil rights movement, dichotomies of race and sexuality, discrimination, gay civil rights movement, gay rights, gays being racist, group dynamics, heteronormative practices, homophobia, homophobia in the gay community, Illinois 4 Marriage, Illinois House Representatives, lesbian leaders, LGBT rights, marriage equality, misogyny in the gay community, prejudice, race relations, racism, racism in the gay community, same sex marriage, SB10, State Rep Greg Harris, transphobiaWill Kohler

Like many people looking to advance equality I too was frustrated with the events of Illinois’ leaders not having enough votes to pass a resolution allowing same sex couples to marry. I’ve expressed before how it felt that the members of the House seemed to be tiptoeing around the situation instead of making a huge commotion of it. At one point it appeared that no one was making any efforts to advance the bill. But that’s not fair because we don’t always hear what goes on behind the scenes and with the reaction of State Rep Harris when he addressed the floor, I feel that even with the outcome he put all the effort he had into making this amendment happen. I can’t fault a man with that much passion and heart for a worthy cause.

But all the same I wish the democratic leaders would have taken a more blunt, in your face approach to this bill. Seems like the more vocal people are, no matter how valid or invalid their position, are heard and given a greater platform to express their views.

As always when something goes awry we look to those that are in some part responsible for our failure. Our failure. All of us. More on that later. But back to my point, the first people that were addressed for being responsible for the bill’s failure was the Black Caucus, who are believed to have been targeted by the guilt machine known as the religious right that were no doubt telling them if gays marry it will be the downfall of society and will lead to bestiality and destruction of families. You know the usual.

I understood the frustration people felt after the announcement that the bill didn’t have enough votes but the way I witnessed people, specifically gay men go after the Black Caucus angered me as well. Because it went from talking about equal rights to name calling. Racial epithets abound in situations like this. The N-Word was used freely and was justified because the Black Caucus was seen as the blame for all the inequity we face as an LGBT community. And there’s a complete disregard, even dismissal of the people that actually created the law in the first place. It becomes about people focusing on only one facet of the complete equation.

Then I find myself in this place. A place where again, like two parents having an ill-timed inappropriate all-out fight in front of their children; I’m made to feel as though I have to pick a side between my race and sexuality. Both are a part of me that I love. Both are aspects to who I am that I had to accept not everyone else would love. That some would openly hate, ridicule, even threaten, but I still choose to love. But they’re glaring at me and wanting me to say who’s right and who’s wrong and I’m sick of it.

I can’t tell you how many times that both communities have made me feel this way and that I have to stand on only one side. Riding the fence is seen as an act of open betrayal against them both and you want to have the best of both world. Well, who doesn’t? Being on this fence means I can point out what I feel each of them is doing wrong. Because that’s what happens when an argument begins with these two groups. Respect turns into animosity and name calling.

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way that are from these two groups. Know I’m not the only one that is made to feel like one is preventing the other from being happy. Because we don’t really talk about the issues in depth other than making a sweeping generalization of a problem that we are ALL are contributing to and also responsible in rectifying. I’ve written about why and where I believe it come from but sometimes it’s hard to describe the feeling other than comparing it to two angry parents fighting with each other.

It’s an odd position to be placed in as a gay African American because I see where both sides stop listening and start accusing. Where two groups that probably share the most commonality of any other groups in our society seem to be at odds. An uneasy association between them that each fails to realize.

Some may say that I’m making this about race or playing this mythical (and completely unreal) race card. But remember this, that for some people, even to this day in 2013, just as it may almost always be about your sexuality, it also is almost always about race. There are still places in our country where you cannot be alone as an African American at night. Targeted because of your skin. It’s insulting to think that some believe that all the varying, intricate degrees of racism that still exist in this country is made up.

It’s not just race that this community seems to have a problem in communicating with. Gender issues are just as prevalent. We complain about when gay men use the terms masc or no femmes or straight acting but we don’t do a real examination this behavior is so prevalent. But how can we complain when our leaders only represent one spectrum of our rainbow. If we ourselves show how diversified this community is, then some of the ideals we don’t like can be addresses more. How are other members going to see where we’re going wrong with assimilating to heteronormative practices when our leaders are comprised of the very thing we admonish. This sameness does not speak to everyone in this community. We don’t try to see the correlation of it being about having unresolved issues and how we can change it. We just complain and then sadly, accept.

Our leaders are almost carbon copies of each other. Not in personality or method. But on the level of appearing the same. Caucasian men with no differentiation. It’s sad that I feel like I have to say it and even sadder that I feel that by saying it some people reading this will make me bringing it up about exclusion or singling these leaders out rather than seeing it as me wanting to be inclusive. By pointing out what I see is problematic is in hopes that it will encourage these leaders to seek out different perspectives within this community than what they are accustomed.

Because it shouldn’t take me more than 10 seconds to think of a Lesbian LGBT leader. Or a transgendered LGBT leader. Bisexual LGBT leader. African American LGBT leader. Hispanic or Disabled or Asian LGBT leader. We need to bring a more diverse yet unified group of people into the forefront because if we are going to reach people like the Black Caucus they need to see there are people like them in this community too. So we need to be more aware that not everyone’s reality is the same as ours in this community because sometimes even we forget that.

As for some the African American community leaders that seem stagnate and unmoving to see how not standing up for LGBT rights is hypocrisy: We have literally been spit on, literally been dragged through the mud, literally beaten to death and called animals and it is time that you stop looking towards the heavens (and your pockets) from these religious zealots that have completely contorted and misconstrued God’s Word for answers that are already right here looking at you. Do you have the right to be angry when someone says “gay is the new black”? yes you do because black has not finished being black. We still face so much prejudice in this country. But we have to be willing to see some of the commonality of this between racial struggle and claiming of sexual orientation.

I have always felt that a part of some African American leaders’ hesitation on advancing the civil rights of the LGBT community is fear of association. Because with as much advancement that we have seen in relation to equality when it comes to race, those memories of blatant discrimination is still fresh. We can remember those first moments of knowing that you will always be made aware of your race and by supporting another group would only disrupt the very delicate membrane of rights it took centuries for us to establish. It’s fear. Understandably fear, but still not good enough reason to oppose the human rights of another.

Many of us have family members alive to tell us stories of our people being treated like dogs while having hoses and dogs used against them. To times where we were told we have no souls and therefore no way to get into heaven. That we aren’t even fully human, just 3/5th. If we are remembering our ancestry and the past we have to remember how prejudice in any way against another human being is not the love the messiah would show to others. We see parallels of the same in the LGBT community almost weekly of being beaten, harassed, even killed and that should incite something within all of us. That oppression falls and equality always prevails. And just like those gay leaders, remember to be aware that not every oppressed group’s reality is the same as yours.

This is not how you reach people. You don’t add validity to your argument when show prejudice and discrimination. And this isn’t the first time that this happened. With how much we know about discrimination we sometimes forget how that also applies to our own behavior as well. The problem is that each group feels like they understand each other but they truly don’t and simply talk at each other rather than to each other. My words are harsh and cold but my intent will always be love. Always, always love. But this is how I feel.

It angers me, frustrates me, even brings me to tears when I think of how there is so much angst between these two groups that are at times unwilling to see each other’s similarities. And just like the child that eventually becomes an adult and tells their parents they can no longer place them in the middle of their argument, you will not make me choose between them. You will not make me choose a side and call the other wrong when it is BOTH of you that are at fault. You will not make me claim one side of my full, actualized identity while ignoring the other. You will not make me feel guilty for embracing and loving you both. So when both sides are truly ready to listen, that is when things will change. For the better.

And as always I promise to love you both while pointing out what you’re doing wrong because while I’m a part of you both I am my own entity that because of this blend of nature can see where you went wrong. Reconciling being of two natures should not be made harder by the very thing that created it.Sometimes the way each of these communities conduct themselves make people like me who belong to both of them feel like they have to choose and we have to be aware of when we do and stop it. Because we are all better than that.

Lauryn Hill’s Latest Song Reveals Potential Anti-Gay Message

May 28, 2013Entertainment, Featuredblack and gay, civil discord, femininity, gay femininity, gay insults, gay rights, homophobia, internalized misogyny, Lauryn Hill, misogyny, racismWill Kohler

Today, Lauryn Hill is finding herself in some hot water, and it’s not because of her tax evasion, its coming from her fans after they discovered some anti-gay and suggestively homophobic lyrics to her latest song titled, Neurotic Society. Upon further analysis of the song, the song implies that society is being overran be gender bending effeminate men and is leading to our downfall. Though some analysts have tried to find alternative meanings to who exactly Hill is confronting with the the aggressive lyrics but there is little more to infer from them.

The meaning of the song came under more scrutiny as a reporter for BET.com, Dr. Monica Miller analysed the song released days before Hill was sent to federal prison for three months for failure to pay her taxes. Here’s what Miller had to say:

Whether or not Hill is merely using these comments as examples of the smokescreens and sleight-of-hands that pervade this “Neurotic Society” is unclear. Beyond intention, these sorts of statements suggest that society is in a shambles because it’s been taking too many cues from the LGBTQ community, acting like “girl men,” “drag queens” and “transvestites.” Is her beef with oppressive society or is her issue with people who don’t abide by a traditional family structure?

On a more personal note, I have been a fan of Lauryn Hill for as long as she has had a viable career in music. She has a raw talent that is rare and so ethereal that before all this, her message really spoke to me. What was once a message of understanding the paradigms that can consume us and our society seem to have had such an extremist effect on Lauryn, thereby she now feels she has to label anything she doesn’t see in her vision of truth, and that makes me the enemy.

At first when I heard the song Neurotic Society I admit that I didn’t listen to the words or what they implied because I stopped halfway through. It was all spoken word and did not resemble the voice that I fell in love with all those years ago. But reading the lyrics today, I do not recognize the empress of freedom fighting lyricist that I had come accustomed to in my earlier youth. What was in place was an extremist that seemed to be blaming the world’s problems (and her own) on everyone else, most notably the LGBT community, my community.

It was suggestive of us being the reason that the world is falling apart much like the racist of yesteryear (and still to this day) for the downfall of society. All because of African Americans, another community that I belong to, are becoming more successful and recognized in society. It felt so hypocritical and it hurt to see someone who you’ve admired for so long be so passionate about calling you a sinner. There’s no way for me to see an adequate defense of what she wrote in these lyrics:

We’re living in a joke time, metaphorical coke time
Commerce and girl men
Run the whole world men

Or these:

Whole world run savagely
Greedy men and pride fiends
Program TV screens
Quick scam and drag queens
Real life’s been blasphemed
Think twice its past dream

Other than having a misguided ideal of what a man is, these lyrics are highly suggestive that men cannot be feminine which is at best misogyny and at worst blatant homophobia. It stings to have someone you’ve admired for so long be so demeaning about everything you are. It took me years to process what it means for me to be both an African American and a gay man in our society, so I cannot and will not defend this confrontational homophobia disguised as liberal freedom fighting against oppression.

She’s subscribing to the same rhetoric that racists partake in when calling us names and saying we’re all the same when we are not. Claiming the need to save our souls while their own seems to be in perpetual turmoil and delusion. How can she save us when she can’t even save herself is the first question she should think about. it cheapens the perspective that she once was so clear in presenting, but all I can hear is anger and ignorance. In my opinion, this scenario is no different a racist that calls for attention. I’d rather her just say it rather than try (and fail) at being clever.

We have been judged and bullied to death, both figuratively and literally because of we you are. With as smart and insightful as she herself claims to be, you’d think she’d be able to see the similarities instead of adding to tension of two communities differences that does nothing but separate. How can someone promote freedom while oppressing another? I’ve supported this artist for her unbelievable talents for almost two decades but sadly that has ended today. The beauty I once believed to be so rare and talent I believed so unique and progressive has faded to nothing more than grandstanding.

I will always support freedom Lauryn, freedom of expression and voice and the ability to illustrate our innate talents in whatever fashion someone sees fit. But I will never support hate, and what your definition stands for because it is no longer a message, it’s hate.

Do Unto Lesbians As We Do Unto Gay Men

May 8, 2013Featured, Opinions and Rantsbeing gay, black and gay, Brittney Griner, civil rights movement, coming out, coming out of the closet, discrimination in the gay community, discrimination in the lgbt community, feminism vs homosexuality, gay apathy, gay civil rights, gay hierarchy, gay infrastructure, gay news, gay prejudive, gay stereotypes, gays in media, gays in professional sports, gays in sports, gender and sexuality, GLAAD, heteronormative practices, HRC, internalized homophobia, internalized misogyny, Jason Collins, lebian, lesbian athletes, life after coming out of the closet, negative gay stereotypes, stereotypes, Suffrage MovementWill Kohler

What an incredible few weeks it has been for the LGBT community. More evidence that our victories are reflective of the evolution that our country has seen this past year. With the news of Rhode Island and Delaware officially becoming the 10th and 11th states to recognize same sex marriage our efforts are truly showing progress. That coupled with Jason Collins, a veteran and still active NBA player coming out of the closet, a new precedence in our history illustrates what an immense breakthrough for our entire society.

Though there have been a few detractors that have strayed away from the significance of Collins’ coming out, this story has inspired so many men and women already to live and celebrate who they really are no matter what. It shows the world how the process of coming out is a harrowing but worthwhile journey, Even in this day and age it takes courage to come out no matter the circumstances or demographics an individual represents. Yet coming out on such a large scale, knowing the varying scenarios that can arise as a result of such a personal admission needs to be recognized.

I was so happy to see the amount of support this man was receiving for, unknowingly to him, taking LGBT community into another level of awareness. It shows the true diversity that this community is comprised of different ethnicity and races while providing greater emphasis on our different interests like sports. This story also showed that as a whole we do not reflect the stereotypes often projected in the media and even if we do, that we are so much more than those perceived notions of behavior. It brought tears to my eyes seeing an outpour of love that basketball fans and just progressive people that are willing and able to accept our sexuality is remarkable.

But for me a moment of pride and celebration was muted and met with a building frustration as time progressed. Because I began to think of Brittney Griner, an up and coming WNBA star that just came out last week as she was drafted. I kept thinking where is the outpouring of support for this woman? Are there not women that are still in the closet that may have just as hard a time coming out than a man? These questions began to swirl around and I felt that asking them was somehow diminishing the impact of Collins’ story. So I waited to write this because I did not want my opinion to seem as though I was trying to overshadow or diminish the monumental part of our history in the LGBT community when Jason Collins came out this week.

I didn’t like this feeling. I did not like that if felt that our society values the experiences of a man more so than a woman. That her story is not given the same value of a man. And when I brought this up in social media and in general conversation, the responses like “who is that?” or “who cares about the WNBA” or that lesbians don’t have to endure the same as gay men it frustrated me even more. It did more than that; it angered me, deeply.

The media itself did not do much better. Griner was given a 30 second spot on the 11 o’clock news and not much else. Nike even signed a deal with Griner and most LGBT news sites, blogs, and other reporting outlets have barely spoken a word about her, if they mentioned her at all. And Collins has had 24 hour coverage since his story broke. No covers on magazines. No invites to speak on radio and numerous tv interviews. As far as I know she hasn’t been invited to the White House either. Though her story has just as much impact on the women that are still in the closet, and looking for a face to show them that they can succeed at all their goals.

We forget how there was a long, arduous struggle that women had to endure just to be able to play sports yet it is still openly acceptable to criticize, even joke about their participation professionally. The Suffrage Movement was what led to the civil rights movement of the 50s and 60s which led to the civil rights movement of today. To learn through our history how much women;s history influenced so much of our own only to be given less emphasis is unsettling. To be shown so little respect deeply disturbs me and once again reminded me of the other times where this community is not as welcoming as it appears.

As I read more breaking stories about Collins, more of the news read event as “Jason Collins, The First Out Professional Athlete” when that was not true. Men and women have been coming out in professional sports for years. We’ve had representation in boxing like Orlando Cruz along with a plethora of women that have come out in nearly every professional sport. It showed me where our priorities are and have always been and it does not feel like true equality.

This community does not fight as hard for the rights and recognition of women. How the bisexual men and women in this community are often laughed at and not given the platform of gay men in this community. How race/ethnicity is at times just as big an issue in this community as it is in the rest of society, sometimes even more so when there are gay men that believe that it is impossible for them to be racist. At times the open misogyny that some practice in this community angers me more than the total disregard of intersectionality, which women in this community also have to endure. I can only imagine the experiences women have to endure when they are slighted by a community that does not reach out to them.

It angered me to feel that the same misogyny that society embodies as a whole still has a grasp and is being kept alive by some members of this community. When I brought this to the attention of HRC they ignored it, which with some of the stories and rumors of their transphobia and lack of diversity within the organization I should not have been surprised. That angered me even more as I thought about how too often organizations like HRC and GLAAD set the tone of what this country sees as LGBT when it’s mostly comprised only of affluent gay men. They either didn’t feel a woman coming out was not as important or did not care

Our society still sexualizes women habitually and when she discloses her sexuality it is fetishized and not respected. Because we all know that there is this belief by some that it’s easier for a woman coming out. That us gay men have an immensely hard time coming out because of all the societal pressures, cultural norms and gender roles placed on us. That we are bullied more, threatened and attacked more as gay men.

It’s a common belief that most if not all women that play professional sports in any capacity is written off automatically as a lesbian when that isn’t true either. And if people believe that, since their sexuality is inferred that lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered women athletes have it easier. But if f we took the time out to read the varying challenges that women like Griner face, like bullying, fear of being judged, inner turmoil, then we’d give stories like hers much more agency.

Women are teased if they do things that no other women do or see as “normal” . Yet as a community our understanding of how similar the adversity we face is forgotten. Even with how much as some of the leaders of this community pride themselves on pushing forward equality in the rest of society, we need to do the same thing within and properly recognize the issues we do not focus on enough.

Women, like Griner, and their accomplishments should not be met with such disregard and apathy. To hear this kind of rhetoric from gay men, that know the varying degrees of discrimination and insensitivity directed towards us would with such a flat affect deeply disturbed me. I had to reconcile my strong opinion with adequately explaining the justification of my immense frustration on how easily we lose insight and focus of other members of this community.

I understand how important this story is because it challenges so many disparaging beliefs of what gay men look like and goes even further to illustrate that gay men are athletic and fit into the broad definition of what society thinks masculinity looks like. That we can love throwing a 3-point shot as much as he can love hair and fashion. But the stories of our sisters are ignored, overshadowed, or forgotten far too often.

We cannot ignore this problem, or continue with this air of displaced interests and lack of love toward the women in this community who deserve to be recognized just as much as the men. We need to remember that just as there’s some guy in college that plays basketball feels he can be out and proud because of James Collins that the same must be true of a woman feeling proud of what Brittney Griner has done for women. Let’s give the same recognition to women as we do men. We can do better.

Jada Pinkett-Smith Says She’d Support Her Children If They’re Gay

April 3, 2013Entertainmentblack and gay, civil rights, evolution of gay rights, gay rights, gays in hiphop, Jada Pinkett, Jada Pinkett Smith, Magic Johnson, marriage equality, parents of gay children, President Obama, race and homosexuality, Will SmithWill Kohler

Coming off the heels of the story of Magic Johnson, who announced yesterday that he loves and supports his gay son, comes another well known and well liked celebrity discussing that she would have the same reaction as Johnson. Actress, mother of two, and wife of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett-Smith spoke with HuffPostLive today promoting a new film project and also to discuss what she would do if one of her children were gay. Here’s more:

Actress and producer Jada Pinkett Smith dropped by Huff Post Live to chat about the new film she produced, “Free Angela And All Political Prisoners,” her marriage to Will Smith and raising children in Hollywood.

When asked how she would respond if either of her children, Jaden or Willow, both stars themselves, came out as gay, she answered, “I would support [them]. For me, I just want my kids to be happy. As long as they’re happy… As long as they’re living the lives that fulfill them, I’m good.”

Pinkett Smith isn’t the first celebrity parent to speak out on offering support to gay children — potential or actual. Magic Johnson’s gay son, Earvin Johnson III, was seen with his unidentified boyfriend for the first time on Monday, April 1. Magic and his wife, Earlitha “Cookie” Kelly, told TMZ “[We] love EJ and support him in every way… We’re very proud of him.”

It’s also important to note that Pinkett discussed how older African Americans may still view homosexuality or as she referred to it as “alternative lifestyle” as a last resort which she passionately disagrees with. It is hard to decipher if Pinkett herself felt that being gay is a choice which is frustrating both as a blogger and a fan of her work and as a gay man. I hope if ever she is asked about this particular scenario she described in the clip that she clarifies what she meant.

We are seeing more and more celebrities and politicians that are African American speak up and support LGBT rights over the past year. No doubt as the result of President Obama’s evolution lends support to the theory of “not wanting to be the first to say it” is why we’ve seen this snowball effect in the media. Now more than ever we have seen rappers that were once known for their homophobic slurs in their lyrics speak out for gay rights. It’s interesting to see how the country has been so passionately interested in the opinion of African Americans on this issue when not too long ago, in any other social issue, the incentive for answers towards this community may not have been so hard sought after.

While writing this I asked myself the question if I were writing this more because it leads into the discussion of Magic Johnson’s son, Earvin, coming out or if it is to show further proof that the African American community is not as homophobic as society sometimes depicts. A few theories may surround why this is a common belief, including the fact that as the African American community is seen as the last group in our nation’s history that has faxed oppression and discrimination (that does still exist). That in turn outrages some when African Americans that are homophobic from the LGBT community should understand the current struggle of the gay civil rights movement.

And unfortunately when a negative opinion is held by one member of a minority group, it is believed by the rest of society that all members of that community have the same beliefs. This is generalization and it is reflected on LGBT and African American community. That’s why it’s so vital to share stories of this to show that now more than ever we all need to look at each other as individuals and not community that we are associated with as we are more than a category.

Back2Stonewall

Independent LGBT News, Culture, Media and History

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