Happy HOMO-ween! – The Unintentionally Gayest Horror Movies EVER! – Jeepers Creepers 2, The Covenant, and The Forsaken
At some point along the line Hollywood decided that a good horror movie needed to be built on a strong foundation of homoerotic subtext. Now where that’s not really a BAD thing. But their efforts to both cram in as much homoeroticism as possible, while avoiding actual gay characters or story lines is well, a horror show really.
Cases in point…..
Jeepers Creepers II (2003)
It makes sense that a man-eating monster might eat the occasional half-naked teenage boy. But when it’s all he eats, the other monsters might start asking questions.
The first time we see the winged monster from Jeepers Creepers 2, he’s preying on a young boy in a cornfield. Next, he targets a bus of mostly shirtless high school football players. Their team is called the Bantams, a name which prompts its members to sing lengthy songs about “fighting cocks” while the three token female students sit up the front, bewildered.
When the bus suffers a mysterious flat tire caused by a ninja star made of human body parts the boys disembark and then take the opportunity to, uh,spend a long time urinating together, all the while accusing each other of being gay. The scene is then interrupted when the monster starts hunting the team from the air, first carrying off the adults. The boys do what any other person would do after seeing three brutal murders occur in front of them: continue to accuse each other of being gay. The monster eventually appears, winks at the boys, licks the glass and makes what can only be described as the world’s most terrifying O face.
Then he starts hunting them, and first kills a young man after ripping off his shirt. The half-naked corpse lies provocatively on the ground for the remainder of the film, the camera often pausing on it lovingly. He continues to hunt down male victims, until he is shot and brought down by the father of the first boy he killed.
Best Quote: “Thinking you’re going to come onto me and every other swinging dick on this bus makes me nervous!”
The Covenant (2006)
Caleb is the leader of a gang of “undercover” male witches who spend a lot of time showering together. He is obsessively targeted by a mysterious stranger, Chase, the new kid at their exclusive private school.
I don’t want to read too much into the fact that the school’s female students are featured mostly as blurry, indistinct figures in the background. Why read anything at all when we have an all-male naked locker room fight scene to watch?
it’s the classic story of male friendship: One man defends another in a naked brawl, sparked when one of the men is called gay. After that their bond if forged through butt-naked combat, Chase and Caleb hit some bars together and engage in extended male swimming competitions while wearing tiny, tiny shorts. Their relationship reaches its climax when Caleb discovers the secret that Chase hides away from the world in the clos … cupboard deep within his soul. We’re of course talking about the fact that Chase is also an undercover witch.
Chase becomes desperate to consume Caleb’s magic, when he learns that Caleb has a special magic that will only fully develop once he turns 18. Chase stalks him, threatens his friends and eventually holds him down and kisses him.
Best Quote: “How about I make you my wi-atch?”
And last but not least my personal fave……
The Forsaken (2001)
Basically, to sum it up in a nutshell.
Hot straitlaced young man befriends an even hotter vampire blood infected dude, and goes onto ignore attractive woman for 90 minutes.
Its the closeted gay vampire version of The Pineapple Express without the pot.
Now when you rent or buy this don’t let the half naked girl on the cover fool you. Actress Izabella Miko appears in approximately 10 minutes of footage, and the rest is devoted to a lengthy bromance between Sean and half-vampire Nick. The naked women, gratuitous violence and vampire car chases thrown in throughout the film just make the homoeroticism stand out more, the same way that Al Pacino’s presence in The Devil’s Advocate made Keanu Reeves look even cuter and dumber.
The plot kicks off when Sean is asked to transport a car cross-country, and given a specific no-hitchhiker rule by his employer. And he’s able to follow it until a young blond hitcher, named Nick, catches his eye and asks, “Use some company?” (Yep, we know the answer to that one. Don’t we?)
Sean keeps Nick around even as he gets him fined by the cops, steals his food and money and randomly strips an unconscious girl naked in his hotel room. Unfortunately, this loyalty doesn’t pay off because both the girl and Nick turn out to be vampires, and Sean gets his ass bitten (Unfortunately not literally).
Nick then explains that Sean has been infected with a blood disorder that can only be slowed with a cocktail of drugs.
The two young studs team up to attract and kill the head vampire, a Frenchman who also seems to have a thing for Sean. The “head” vampire, though, is no match for the most powerful force in the universe: white-hot, bromanctic love. and the film ends as the two men stare meaningfully into each other’s eyes, and ride off into the sunset together.
Best Quote: Actually. All the lines are pretty gay.
All three are these movies are great gay, um I mean “bromantic” cuddle on the couch with a couple of brewskis and a joint horror movies for gay boys and straight dudes alike or together.
The easiest way to turn a straight guy gay during Halloween? A six-pack, a joint and any one of these 3 movies.