Nothing says  gay like a movie of hot bitchy male witches starring the ever dreamy Sebastian Stan and Taylor Kitsch in speedos!

In a nutshell…….

Caleb is the leader of a gang of “undercover” male witches who spend a lot of time showering together. He is obsessively targeted by a mysterious stranger, Chase, the new kid at their exclusive private school.

I don’t want to read too much into the fact that the school’s female students are featured mostly as blurry, indistinct figures in the background. Why read anything at all when we have an all-male naked locker room fight scene to watch?

The beefcake casting, is so gay that it’s hard to believe any of these guys’ painfully superficial relationships with girls are anything but closety cover-up. In support of this impression, the girls get their faces diseased, but the beefcake boys, importantly minors, are preserved as splendid chickenhawk bait to the end. (Calling Dustin Lance Black!)

The Covenant is the classic (gay) story of male friendship: One man defends another in a naked brawl, sparked when one of the men is called gay. (Isn’t how Mel Gibson met Danny Glover in the first Lethal Weapon?)

After their bond if forged through butt-naked combat, Chase and Caleb hit some bars together and engage in extended male swimming competitions while wearing tiny, tiny shorts. Their relationship reaches its climax when Caleb discovers the secret that Chase hides away from the world in the clos … cupboard deep within his soul. We’re of course talking about the fact that Chase is also an undercover witch.

Chase becomes desperate to consume Caleb’s ………….. magic, when he learns that Caleb has a special magic that will only fully develop once he turns 18. Chase stalks him, threatens his friends and eventually holds him down and kisses him. Sort of.

And there’s even a sequel!

Best Quote of this closet case horror movie: “How about I make you my wi-atch?”